An election happened. Whatever way it's sliced, I was probably the only person at the office today who could ave gave a fuck less. I was happy to have the damned affair over. I voted early, but I knew the madness would not stop until today.

That's not why I am making this journal, however. I have more of a bone to pick with how some companies choose who gets hired.

Let me set the stage for you all. I had an interview the other day. I was nervous. It was for a position at a medium-big company. I was worried it would be Niagra Falls all over again like the train wreck that is my job right now. Not only that, but as another added twist...they said I could come interview in business casual clothing. I have never had that for MY dress code for an IT interview even when the rest of the people I am chatting with are in it.

Turns out the company was very contained so that eased my fears a little. I got prepped, got my resume, list of questions, etc. and went to the interview. I talked to several people individually and did a small aptitude test on which they said I did well.

The questions were not the usual "Describe a time when," technical questions. They wanted to know more about my personality as they apparently had somehow already vetted my resume. And so the interview went on without a hitch. I seemed to get along well with the people, answer questions to their satisfaction, and the whole process felt more organic than rigid. Then they gave me the standard "We won't let you know for two weeks" deal. Now most people view that as a bad sign. I've had it mean good and bad things so there it is. There are a few more important facts to take away from this event. They told me things were very informal and laid-back. They said not to worry that people had ample time to learn things and people were available to ask questions. It sounded like a good place and really there was no reason to think otherwise at the time.

I left feeling confident even into the next day. Then that's when it all went south. I got a call from the recruiting firm that submitted me to the company and they wanted to give me feedback. They said they were surprised to get feedback so quickly. I had tried to act cordial, unassuming, and inquizative during the interview and like I said it seemed to work initially. They gave me feedback that apparently I wasn't in-your-face enough or aggressive enough for what they wanted. I'm sorry...am I supposed to have a navy-seal oorah attitude to start at a computer screen for eight hours and write code while pile-driving other developers?? That vexed me and I couldn't put into perspective what in the world I had done that made them think I wasn't assertive enough.

The second thing they said was that I had a resume that showed a lot of "jumps" from place to place. I have only had two real world jobs and two internships for my chosen field. First of all, I can't control how long a company has a person around for an internship. The places I worked had no plans to hire me on after, but it was good experience as I was still in college at the time. Second, I had stayed at both of my jobs for at least a good year. The first job, I had explained to them, was one where there was no room for upward mobility and I wanted to move to where I am now to get more opportunities. The second job was where I was at with tenured contract so obviously I needed to move to a permanent position before it was up. Seems all logical right? Apparently not to them. No one else dinged me for having internships on my resume so I am not sure why these people thought it was such a travesty that I had them listed.

I am trying to remember the last point and it had something to do with asking a lot of questions about what normal days and training were like at the company. Again, I'm sorry but...am I not supposed to act like I want to be here ready to take whatever job offer may come my way in two weeks? With people interviewing me who want me to shove my opinion down other people's throat, act like I am king shit of fuck mountain, can't understand that everyone has a different journey when they are traveling down the career path for IT jobs, and can't see genuine enthusiasm and curiosity about the place they most want to work, they don't deserve to have anyone worth their salt taking the position. I told my troubles to a couple of my friends and they said this experience was a blessing in disguise. I had dodged a bullet.

Both IT places where I had worked before had a balanced environment. You didn't need to act like you were top stag at the watering hole and were berated if you tried to be. I don't care if you think you are God's gift to software development. You code will get edited even if you leave the company for new employment. You're code isn't going to be perfect.

So I just wanted to get that story off my chest. I don't know how a company can be so ass-backwards or why they tried to sell their environment as one more akin to a hippie-commune as opposed to cutthroat developer hell. I know I am worth a junior developer position that pays well. I just need to find a company that actually gives a shit about employees for who they are and not who they need to rise above.

I am back after a long hiatus again. Been figuring out life again. So much has happened in the recent months. I had a short relationship again and it didn't work obviously. I have closed my heart off to relationships...its not worth trying.

I am finding so many guys in this fandom only want dick. I suppose I can understand poly-relationships, but it seems like commitment is something that many people flee from. If I may be quite honest here, I am what most would call someone who thrives off intellectualism. Smart people hold so much better conversations than the usual fare at the bar who can't hold their liquor. I enjoy people who I see as puzzles to figure out. What causes them to be anxious? What do they like to do when they have free time?

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed my days boozing it up and getting frisky with whatever hot-to-trot college or mid-twenties worthy of my judgment came around the bars I would frequent.

I want these stupid student loans to go away, at least one or two of them. I want to get a house. I want to move beyond this stupid tenured contractor position I have. I keep trying to find ways to relax, but my body feels it needs to keep going like the Energizer Bunny. I keep trying to summon up strength on the weekends to do creative things and its like turning the ignition in a car that has ran out of gas. I lay around feeling morose and I wonder why I can't just power through any sort of difficulty.

I also wonder a lot why I feel emotions as strongly as I do. I want to care for people, I use caution in my daily judgment. I feel like I would be able to get a lot more done if I just...couldn't feel half the things I do. I try to build people up, I try to get them to like me. I hate using people and I try to see the humanitarian side of everything when I feel I should just be a guy who is about business as usual.

I saw a movie a couple weeks ago of a book I had heard about, but never read: The Little Prince. It was supremely well done, but I feel I failed to get the full message from that movie. Even when you are an adult you should be able to feel happy and carefree like a kid. Lately, I have just felt alone and uninspired in downtown. It's not that I don't feel my situation won't ever change...its more like I feel the world has gone a different way than me. I like hosting get-togethers, making raffle baskets full of fancy things, being able to donate money like I used to before I moved away from Cedar Rapids.

I never have anyone that appeals to me to take to some nice restaurant. It's always some place like McDonalds. Seems people don't even give a damn about the simplistic choice of Applebee's anymore. They are all centered on their couch eating junk food and waiting for the next show they have queued up in their Netflix. I have been trying to keep the silence at bay by going out and enjoying the weather. I get brief moments of company, but they all seem to have their own agenda besides spending a half-hour with me.

I'm in the process of house hunting, too. I understand it would be a lot to make flipping houses a possibility, but I want to flip one or two and that's it. I don't want to go and start a full-fledged business. To be quite honest, I want to speed up payments on my student loans. The sooner they are gone the better. Perhaps I would have enough money leftover to put into the stock market. Really, that it where my involvement would most likely end.

Why do I want this ornate kind of life with nice nights out and being able to secure more financial stability for myself? Why don't I just take a deep breath, sit down, shut up, and color in my goddamn coloring book like I have been blue-pilled? Because I am sick of seeing so many people settle for less. I am sick of seeing so many people have great talents and they choose to squander them. I live in a world corporeal or otherwise where ideas splash around like a sea of vibrantly-colored water. A lot of other people live in a world where they climb so high up a mountain and decide they don't need to reach the summit because they are tired.

Lots of stuff has been happening lately both to and around me. Let me reassure you all I am still in good shape with a balanced mind. These last few weeks have not given me much of a chance to sit down and throughly explain myself to those curious about me.

First announcement: I am cancelling any and all conventions until I am sure I can keep with my workflow both inside and outside of my day job. Yes, I am still planning the con. As far as I am concerned though that is not tangible work for the time being. The idea is there, but its still too far out to get anything like a hotel arranged.

That brings another subject to light that I know you are all probably wondering about if not a little queasy: The sudden supposed Aryan takeover of the RMFC hotel. I have kept quiet on this. Mainly because when when you post something on Twitter about a drama-filled subject like this whether it is rumor or fact, you word is taken as gospel and twisted around more times than Samus’ screw attack in Metroid.

You want to know my opinion on the subject? Well, here you go: I don’t have one. That’s right, I am choosing to stay neutral in this situation because I don’t have the full story. From one side is sounds like there was some big fuck-up on the convention staff side of things that could have been prevented. Speculations about that would only serve to power the inane-thought-generator on that which most call the rumor mill. On the other hand it just sounds like some whiny, emo person who has a constituency of wannabe Nazi friends regarded as furry or otherwise who just want to stir shit.

Until the very moment one of them goose-steps into the RMFC main hotel with a small mustache on, yells “Heil, Hitler!” at the top of their lungs, and goes on a killing spree don’t bother trying to get me to join the conversation on how awful the Colorado con discussion is. I am sorry, but I have seen it too many times on Twitter where even the most levelheaded and intellectually-based people on my feed come off as tinfoil-hat-wearing Illuminati conspiracy believers that would sooner go right of the rails with fear than keep their mouths shut. To be honest, I have never heard much about RMFC good or bad from friends or strangers. Its just one of those cons that is quietly there in the west.

This all being said another poignant question comes to light. Why aren’t you worried about a similar situation happening if there is a convention started in Iowa? On one hand I suppose there is always the infinitesimal possibility this could happen at any convention. However, this group seems to be based in the same state where the convention is happening. If Colorado furs where being bothered from a presence somewhere in a place like Kentucky, then it would give me more pause. From all the scuttlebutt I have seen on Twitter it sounds like these people were a problem at one point in the past and summarily dealt with in time.

Back to the subject of the Iowa con in two years. I will address this issue more next month, but for now I have nothing much to report.


Second announcement: Furmeets at my apartment will now be a monthly thing! I can’t guarantee dates as I only get my on-call schedules monthly, but you can bet your sweet nippy these will continue! I had a total of 10 people last time, so I am anxious to see what it will be like in May. I am adhere to what I have know termed the pizza principle. I am thinking asking $5 for pizza orders from each person is an easier idea than walking across the river for more expensive food. It helps that there is a Domino’s two blocks from my apt complex. Everyone seemed to enjoy fruiting, YouTube watching, and just generally shooting the breeze which was the intended goal.


My dinner is ready so I must take a break from writing, at least for now, in order to enjoy some delectable chicken. I will be back later this month with more updates most likely.

It has come to my attention there are a number of people who are concerned about me starting a convention. Yes, this is a big undertaking. Yes, there will be lots of stress along the way. Yes, I will probably have a lot more patience by the end Before anyone starts to think I am coming off as flippant let me say I can see there is a lot of hard work ahead and no its not going to be a picnic by any means. I’m sure I’ll get agitated at times, histrionic, overbearing, etc.

I’ll slide right into the meat and potatoes of the matter at hand. So what makes me different from every other fur with the aspirations to take on the world and fasten down a convention in the great corn state of Iowa? Let’s run through a list, shall we?

Q: “First and foremost, where are you getting the funding for this venture?”
A: The funding for this until I get can get 501c7 status approved is coming from my own extra income. After that I hope to host bowling events some picnics. I of course will leave June for Nbowa to host StormCon. The budget I am shooting for by the time the weekend I want for the con rolls around (both money spent by that time and any money leftover) is around $8000. This number was suggested to me by Path Hyena, chair of Texas Furry Feista. Over the course of two years it is reasonable to accrue this amount of money.

Q: “Alright, well then where do you hope to host this? Surely you must have a few places in mind?”
A: Right now it is between two locations that both offer perks the other one does not directly have. First on the list is the hotel where Anime Iowa is hosted over in Coralville, Iowa. That hotel already can host a large number of people for a convention so there is that. Also, people seem to gravitate towards the eastern side of the state. The second hotel is the Doubletree by the Des Moines airport. While have some of the most delicious cookies on earth, it is close to an airport if the con were ever to get to the point where people wanted to fly to the hotel. I may research others if those two don’t work.

Q: “Ok, those both sound like reasonable hotels to use and I am sure you have other options at your disposal. Do you have people who can commit to being staff down the road?”
A: I have asked several good friends who also have experience in the respective areas I asked about. I know people who have management experience, graphic design (for publications) experience, etc. I have staffed for one con so far and hope to volunteer for others. I will continually check in with them and make sure they are still on board. New people may come into the fray as time goes.

Q: “Very good. Do you have a weekend in mind for this shindig?”
A: There is a gap in con midwest weekends from Mid-September (Furry Migration) to the beginning of December (Midwest Furfest). There is one con in Ohio, but for the sake of this conversation I am calling Ohio part of the northeast. I figured I would take advantage of the gap and plant the con on the third weekend of October.

Q: “Alright, you’ve satisfied my thirst for information thus far. Let’s throw a bonus question your way and see how you respond. What do you think could distinguish your con from other midwest cons?”
A: Well, I’m glad you asked that, Sonny Jim. I have a few ideas up my sleeve. The first is possibly to have a staple of the con be a cooking panel similar to that of Iron Chef. Hotels don’t usually permit opening flames, but there are any number of non-flame heating elements that can circumvent that rule. Also each team would have a staff member helping them for guidance. Also, if there were to be any kind of tournaments video game or otherwise, I would see if perhaps I could get some staff to commentate it like tournaments are done at PAX (gaming) conventions. I have other ideas bubbling around in my head, but now what fun would it be if I gave out all my ideas before I even started to get this underway?

So there you have it. All the obvious questions answered. If you still have a grave amount of doubt about my ambitions and ideas, well I don’t know what to do except answer more of your questions and try to put your minds at ease. I have the basics nailed down and all that is left to do is to make the journey to two years down the road and see where it takes me. Highs and lows, good times and bad, they all must be experienced to get to the goal.

Talked with the parents and with my current finances I don't have to worry about coming home that much anymore. Maybe once a month. Such a relief as I have things I need to complete before the month is over. If I can just get past those projects...

Look, I get it. The world is not a perfect place. There is corruption. There are lots of backroom deals everyday. Here with Bernie Sanders you have the David and Goliath story in a most pure, unadulterated form. What’s more is he really is going grassroots versus SuperPAC Hillary.
Let me explain why I view this issue the way I do. At first I was like “Ok, we have a Democratic Socialist here who’s dreams are far too unrealistic and he has no way to prove himself.” As things go on though, I start to see things. Hillary waffling moreso than John Kerry during his election bid. Bernie even is outraising Hillary even though Wall Street is pouring scratch into her pockets. That’s not just a contrast in everyday politics, that’s a horse of a different color. You truly have people believing in someone who is free to direct as they choose and not just have people call them another Wall Street shill.
No matter how long the Sanders momentum does or does not last, in the jaded world of sham candidates and political theater it has given me something to feel happy about for the moment. I don’t think it is so much politicians get elected and then don’t care. They get to be puppets on strings who don’t get paychecks and possibly get dangerous adversaries if they say the wrong thing. No matter how much we cry out for them to say what we want, the money speaks louder.
I have always wondered about how greed is intoxicating. You have a million dollars, but what does two million get you? I suppose the questions are almost as old as the earth itself. We don’t want to feel left out, we don’t want to feel inadequate, we don’t want people to find fault in us. One bad comment can ruin a person’s entire day. I should know having been there.
I can see how a regular everyday person would view an opportunity to move into a new, higher tax bracket. Between getting my two degrees, I had a lot of “McJobs”, some full-time, some temping. Perhaps some people grow complacent and find themselves being in these jobs for life. Not me. Call centers are places where you are hired to get fired, imo. Temp jobs I was in were not field-jobs so to speak. The people I met were the type who just wanted their beer money and screw bills, they were just a nuisance. Then I got my second degree. With luck on my side, I found a job right after graduation. The atmosphere was so different working office-side. People didn’t care for drinking, they didn’t care for partying-up every Friday. They had lives, kids, obligations with purpose. Their idea of a normal night was shuttling their kids from after-school activities to home where a well-prepared supper was most likely waiting. It definitely was more up to my speed.
Anyways, I will stop rambling here. Call me an armchair idealist for all my talk about the Bern, call me whatever the you like. Its nice to be able to smile after all the Hell I was put through last year.

It is with a heavy heart I inform everyone that after I am done with my current round of fursuit commissions I will be closing shop on that front for good. I have four left. A job like this that is labor-intensive physically coupled with my day job which is now fluctuating between nights and days is too much for one to bear. Perhaps if my day job were any other job than IT I could retain the determination and mental capacity to sew up and glue parts together like I have been doing.
I can’t go remotely back near to the point of where my mental health was last year. I have felt and seen Hell. Hell is NOT the stereotypical place of fire and brimstone, at least to me. It is the time and place in your life you feel the most dejected, utterly helpless, feeling like the scum of the earth with no room to breathe whatsoever. My anxiety medicine (which I thought would be something akin to providence from my fears) only turned my mind to the verge of suicidal thoughts. If one had to face my Hell after their time on earth was through, I would see why people would endure any shot at reconciliation for even the slightest chance at deliverance from a never-ending pain.
This won’t stop me from other endeavors I am doing. There is a difference in the ventures I choose to pursue. Doing work like coding freelance and for work is only taxing on the brain, not on the hands. I am simply choose equilibrium over equanimity. It doesn’t do the body good to be stressed all the time, even if its eustress (good stress). Somehow all my clients have been patient with me and I will keep to my word to get these suits done. When there is a light at the end of the tunnel, things seem the slightest bit easier as well.
I apologize for making this journal drag on, but until now for some reason, I just couldn’t force myself to write it. Lately, I have been getting all my thoughts down in a paper journal, but these thoughts are things to be shared publicly. I also have a bit of an odd announcement, one which I can’t overtly go into detail over. If you want the story behind this next part, ask me in private. I probably in 100% seriousness not make it too most other cons this year. I was planning for FM, but...well that’s the part you will all have to ask one-on-one with me. Its nothing bad on my end...just something I would rather not divulge to more than one person at a time. I can hope to make it to Stormcon this year, but that’s low-hanging fruit in Iowa two hours away.
It’s getting late and my clarity grows short. I will leave more writing for another day. It feels good to have this all out of my system. Until tomorrow, my friends. Until tomorrow.

Here I am again at the tail-end of a convention reflecting on how life is going. Like the Frisk in Undertale I am filled with determination. Now...how to translate this into everyday life? Seems a lot of times I go home and it's like a pin being put into a balloon. Maybe this can be the time that I somehow hold on to that glowing feeling that seems to align the stars and have life make more sense.

Suit commissions:
I appreciate everyone being patient with me. I just found out I will now be alternating days and nights at my day job. I am not completely happy about that, but more on that later. I will be closing commissions for the time being so I can finish everything in my queue. I have also tried to start Livestreaming my suit building, but it's turning out to be something I need to research a little more.

Day job:
So as I said earlier my IT job now alternates schedules. I hope this won't hamper my schedule too much. I have only been there four months so I really can't think of shifting positions anytime soon. I'm not worried about anything coming up that may be financially taxing and as long as things are in the state they are right now, I am planning on keeping my life as it is now.

Other projects:
When I need to take breaks from suitmaking I try to fill my time with other creative endeavors. I hope to have a video game to debut at Furry Migration, for example. For me, being normal is never enough. I strive to go above and beyond. I am learning how to keep a balance in my life, though. It's so easy to let life stress you, tear you down, make you feel the only thing in the world are dark clouds. I pray someday I find I can work more on projects and not a day job.

That about sums things up for now.

So here is how my day went. I got up and went to work. Then I remembered I was the on-call person for today which meant I was working 10 hours instead of eight. I think thankfully managed to snag lunch at Panera and finished up my day getting home around a quarter after six at night.

About an hour after I get home and start doing game development stuff, friend A telegrams me and asked me if I want to talk. I get to a stopping point with my work and then I call him up. The first thing I hear from the phone is him sobbing and speaking in a very shaky voice. I ask him what the matter is and he tells me that him and his new squeeze are very likely to break up within the next day or so. This would not be so bad if they had not just met in person and he was still where friend B is miles away from home.

Over the course of our conversation I help him calm down and I tried to comfort him as best as possible. This also strikes a chord with me as I have been the veteran of many failed relationships. Some have been my fault, some have not been my fault, some are the case where we still don't know why we broke up in the first place but we did. It did make me realize something, however. At least in my experience, getting to know somebody online and falling for them before you even meet in person is a recipe for disaster. Whether or not you have a backstory with this person, when you meet in person it's like you're starting over from date number one again whether the mind realizes it or not. You're actually seeing this person for who they are and they're not hiding behind a computer screen.

I finally calmed him down to the point where he was ready to go to bed and was not going to hurt himself, but it got me thinking. There is a certain tranquility to being single. Yes there are spots of loneliness, but you deal with them as they come at least in my situation. As most of you know last year in March I broke up with my most recent ex-boyfriend and he moved back to California. I went through a period of six months with nothing but depressive and anxious thoughts after that, barely being able to function in daily life yet somehow by a miracle holding it all together.

It was harder on the both of us because we were actually engaged to be married. There were a lot of flaws with our relationship that we did not talk about until at least a year later. We had poor communication and bottling everything up inside just made things go to hell that much faster. I have had lots of relationships in the past where the other guy just gets tired of me or couldn't handle what state of mind I was saying at the time we were together. I kept pining and yearning to be with someone thinking that I needed them to complete me.

That old maxim holds true all so that when you stop looking for love somehow everyone comes out of the woodwork and starts wanting to be with you. They keep trying to butter you up then dish out all sorts of compliments to you. I don't want any of that. I am fine being in solitude right now on my own. Well I'd be this way forever? Who knows. But as a song I once heard said "if love is lined with broken hearts then I don't want any parts" Holds true. I don't need someone to be happy because I can create happiness on my own. I don't need someone to supplement me socially or financially. I have a job where I am perfectly capable enough of earning enough money to buy a house for myself and go from there.

On the other hand though I can also understand why a lot of these relationships and cyclical behaviors happen. No one wants to feel alone and I will flat out admit that not everyone has things as nice as I do right now, nor might they have the maturity to handle life or the presence of mind. I wish I could say those situations are just remedied by using mind over matter or just snapping ones fingers and has the whole world set right, but seldom is that the case.

All I can really do right now for my friend is just be that: a good friend. Eventually his heart will heal and it will take some time, but at least it can make me feel good knowing that I am there for him. I just hope you doesn't do anything irrational in the meantime.

Hey everyone,

I'm finally situated down here in Des Moines. I get actual Internet on the 28th. Right now all I have is data on my tablet and phone, but I wanted to update you all.

So first on my checklist I wanted to describe my new job. It isn't an ideal job, but it is one that helped me make the move down here. It's a contract position that last for a little over a year and I am confident by the next years and I will have secured something else more to my liking in my field. If I have been quiet to anyone in particular, I do apologize.

Second order of business on my list is hopefully getting off these anxiety meds. I had them for the transition down here to Des Moines and a little before that, but now I don't need them. They have been causing me a great deal of tiredness and even at times it has messed with my body more than I would like it to.

I'm starting to scout out a lot of places around the area here, but I have yet to hit up some of the more well-known places like Zombie Burger. Living downtown I can walk a fair number of places and there is a barcade that is not too far for me. One would think that the sounds of the city would bother me, but they really don't even when I'm trying to do things like get to sleep. My apartment is next to one of the busier streets down here by the Civic Center.

I want to make another thing clear here right now. I probably won't be going to any conventions for this year. Conventions happen every year and you only get one chance to say for big things like the house. Not that I don't like living downtown, but last year in my dreams kind of got shorted by a bunch of unexpected bills that came up. I had an ambulance ride, my windshield cracked, etc.

I think this entire year for the most part has been hard on me, but I am imagining that next year will be tons better now that I have a lot more figured out with my life. I broke up with my ex last March and spent a good number of months getting over him. I also move this year which was no easy task. Friends and last year's convention swear some of the only things keeping me sane through all the commotion and anxiety medicine and whatnot.

I want to finish up my current round of commissions and go back to game development like I was doing before, too. Not that I dont like the work, but right now at least this anxiety medicine makes me feel like I'm in a sleepy haze all day whether I take Lexapro or lorazepam or both. It's like an invisible hand is pressing you down against my chair if I'm at work or the bed when I am home. About the only thing I've been able to do to keep my energy up his cook food. The interesting thing is I'm not even on that high of a dose of these medicines and yet I still feel like I'm going to fall asleep at any moment given the right day.

For now what I am going to do is take a few breaths, just breathe in and breathe out. Focus on what's important to me and keep establishing myself down here. I know I can continue to improve and be better than it was the day before, but I'm not going to rush myself. It takes time and I am slowly learning that as I go along my path.

Finally I think life is settling back to how it was before March of this year. I finally did it, I got a job in Des Moines! It's an exciting new chapter in my life. I move in midweek.

I get off my anxiety meds completely at the end of December and I couldn't be happier. Aside from the obvious drowsiness side-effects, you ever forget to take lexapro for a period of time? It gives you a dizzy feeling and makes you feel like you are being shocked with a battery.

Now that I know I am in a better job I can continue my suit commissions without so much stress hanging over my head. Unexpected life events came up: ambulance ride, cracked windshield, unpaid time off to job hunt, etc.. That is why I started taking the anxiety medicine in the first place. I was having anxiety attacks to near the point where I needed to go to the hospital. I was very unhappy at my current job and I worried all these expenses would dent what money I had in my bank account.

I do still have one goal I hope to manage after I get settled in more here in the capital of Iowa: I want to organize more events for fires on this side of the state who can't always travel far; maybe get the furs of this side of the state more organized. There hasn't really been anything official over here and I am one to take charge in situations.

So that is where life sits right now for me. Hope to keep updating soon!

It has been a long last month. I statred on anxiety the week of the 22nd. To be honest I thought I was finding a magical cure to my anxiety. My anxiety, however, turned out to be situational.

Maybe I should start from the beginning. I was having a really rough go of things that were. I was in a room that was not soundproof next to a factory and that made it almost impossible to work. I tried your plugs and noise canceling headphones among other things and they didn't work so I finally had to talk to our HR department about moving my desk. I got moved out into the main office and now things are a lot better.

During my stint in that noise-filled room, i started anxiety medicine. Holy damn does this stuff act like a tranquilizer. I found that certain days I am incapable of getting out of bed. I feel a depression come over me. I have depression certain days, but I NEVER had it to that extent. The previous was more like a half-hour of feeling a low and then resuming my daily routine. The latter is more like an invisible hand is pushing down on me and keeping me from getting up or enjoying any of my regular daily activities. Whether I have to vhange medicines or completely step down my dosages this cannot go on.

If anyone has been wondering why i have all but completely disappeared from Twitter snd such, this is why. Even little things like posting to Twitter were not feeling the same with these meds. I've had a bunch of things that have been clouding my mind aside from work, i wanted to get a new job, more bills than usual this month, getting a new place, suitwork. I shouldn't have overloaded myself. I am not Superman.

Know that my situation at work has changed a bit I have been able to function a bit more properly. Until I fully get off of this anxiety medicine or whatever the deal is I think I may have found a creative way to counter the effects of the anxiety medicine. I just have to drink a crap ton of coffee during the day. I am chasing a dragon, but hopefully this will keep me stable. I know everyone is being patient with me, but I want to get back to normal. Whatever mood I am fluxuating to, its not a fun ride.

So there you have it. If I have been quiet or if anyone has been wondering about you the past month, this is a full detailed report of why.

I've been writing down my feelings a lot more lately and it has been good therapy. I am going to tell my parents today I am looking for new employment. They want me to stay around within driving distance, but I am afraid the rose is off the bloom.

Here for a while I was thinking that it would be a travesty to leave right after they retired. Yes, older people do have some difficulty doing things, but my parents aren't that feeble. To be honest Minneapolis is still somewhat within driving distance, but it is a distance that prompts people from far away to think twice about visiting because it is a long drive. Each new weekend is bringing some other reason to get the hell out of where I live.

And then every time I go back to my parents, something new comes up that irritates the everloving shit out of me. During my days as a college student it was a pleasant retreat. I could come home, do homework and laundry, get some good food, and then head back refreshed for the new week. Slowly over time, its become more of a...prison perhaps? Things happen in a certain way at a certain time in a certain fashion. It is like the whole place has gone completely stepford. You start to realize its hard to breathe, hard to think. The silence in between everything grips you. Not to mention there are business things I could be doing rather than being trapped in this temporary holding cell.

Let us say for now no matter what the outcome of my job search is, at least until January, no vacations or trips. If I do get a job by December -- and this is a big if, mind you -- MFF will be a remote possibility. I suppose this search could take through the end of the year, but I would rather hope it does not. I am tentatively planning for Furry Fiesta next year. TENTATIVELY.

So there you have it folks. I already have one interview lined up for this week, but I'm going to apply for more jobs when I get home. Have to work on suit stuff after that. This job stuff may impact the speed at which I get suit stuff done, so please everyone bare with me. Once I have a new life in place there should not be so many things distracting me.

It seemed like such a short weekend, but Furry Migration was a milestone in my life. It marked my first professional room party. This was a room party celebrating the kickoff of my fursuit making company. There is still a long ways to go with it, but I am getting so much positive praise and commissions so far. I am seriously floored by all the support I am getting for this venture of mine. I only hope I can continue to keep steaming along and giving people more reasons to believe in my company.

I got to fursuit a lot at the convention, but this convention was special for reasons that most people probably don't mention a lot. I'm almost 30 and this convention helped me see a new direction to go with my life. Its strange. I've been to several different furry conventions and tons of furmeets, picnics, etc. How could this one con turn my perspective on life on it's head?

Let me explain a little bit about myself. I have been in the fandom since the early 2000's. I've seen things from the time where Anthrocon was less than 1,000 attendees to the events of today where even Iowa is considering having a furry hotel con. Up until FM, I was what you would call a semi-closeted fur. I partook of the fandom, attended meets, hell I even own two fursuits to this day. Yet I wanted to keep that all "in the background" speak. I wanted to "live" the life of a mundane. I wanted to just get a house, bf, life, keep advancing myself. Fun on the side was nice, but I always had to refocus myself on what was tangibly there in regular society. It was never my destiny to fully embrace the fandom like I do at present.

Something I can't describe happened on the way home from Furry Migration that I will never forget. I was carpooling  arcturusthechusky home as we both live like 15 minutes away from each other. We were both fighting PCD hardcore and we got to talking about the con and life. I recounted my experience at FM for him and something happened that had not in a long while. I cried from happiness. Three times, separately. I had felt like a key was being inserted into the door that was my heart and opening it to some sort of warm, loving feeling. I never really felt the same about the fandom after that. I was ready to accept it more into my life and not worry so much about being the perfect mundane. I mean there is nothing mundane about furry, its a new thing every day.

Work has not been going the best for me lately and this revelation last weekend made me see just how unhappy I was. Those of you on Twitter have obviously heard me rant to no end about the harrowing experiences I go through every day. This convention I made many friends and solidified relationships with a lot of Minnesota/Fargo furs that I had just been acquaintences with before. I thought about it a lot and...well...maybe Iowa isn't the last stop on the train for my journeys in life...maybe Minnesota is up next. There are lots of IT jobs up there. I talked to several of my friends, some in IT as well, and they all agreed I was at a job where I wasn't able to advance it any way possible. Granted this was the only job I had offered to me after graduation when I had bills to pay, but I have two years experience now and am ready to get the duck out of fodge.

Its been nice living here in Iowa and I hope to keep in touch with you all whenever I get a new job wherever it may be. I still want to help out with StormCon and visit as much as I can. Heck, I've grown up here and it is painful to think about leaving, but people find new destinations and new opportunities.

I just got done applying for several jobs today and soon I will see if I can get some furry stuff done. I am currently at a Starbucks as the wireless is temporarily out where I am staying for the weekend. I'm hoping I can jump ship at my current job before things get worse. Its amazing how furry can fill up your life if you just simply let it. All I can do for now is see where this job search takes me. I'm almost out of PTO, so I might have to start using unpaid sick days. I'll have extra income to compensate from fursuit making if need be, I just hope my company understands the time off. Somehow I'll get to where I need to be, its just a long road to hoe as they say.

I have not been in a good in a good place mentally lately. Last week was the first time that i clearly said to myself that I actually hate my job. Not like i was saying before where i simply was not making enough money, it was just a flat-out admission that i literally cannot take another year of being at my current one.
I have tried to rationalize all the problems i have been having, but its just the fact my personality clashes with everyone else at the company. I want to work and maybe talk with people once in a while when i need breaks. The other coworkers make jokes all the time and treat me like some freshman pledge in a fraternity everytime i make a mistake or don't outright know how to solve a new problem. None of them are my age and the newest guy fresh out of college doesnt even talk to me. The pay is less than a lot of other places around Iowa and our software is in the dark ages. I can't sit here and atrophy. I made a list of pros and cons of staying at my job and the cons doubly outweighed the pros.
I know i wouldnt have benefits for a period or good insurance, but that is the risk anyone must take when trying to find a new job. This new job won't happen instantly, I understand. I thought for a while it was just the money thst was bothering me so I started my fursuit business. I have too many things clouding up my mind right now to the point where sometimes I dont even remember stuff that is told to me right away.
All week I have had this huge sickening feeling in my gut. Usually, stuff like this goes away after a day, but i have so much on my plate with my day job. I try to bury myself in work so as not to feel anything, but I now realize there is a time to feel every emotion. I can't just be a superman and pretend things don't affect me. I thought I would be better at separating work from home, but when work doesn't even afford you the option to be comfortable in a work environment its not possible.
I have lost sleep over work or it has had me mentally drained each day to the point where i have to start drinking copious amounts of caffiene just to keep my body from crashing. Seriously, that is how bad it gets. Aside from fursuit work, i come home most days and my mind cannot function. I keep trying to simply think thoughts and my mind seems like a blank databank. When that happens something is very wrong in one's life. Since I really don't go out much and my suitmaking business takes up most of my nights, its one of those two things. Since this all had been going on even before i got into fursuit making, I can only conclude it is my day job. IT jobs are meant to be stressful, but when they drive you to a point like I just described where the body cannot function normally outside of work...yeah.
I'm almost debating not to go to Furry Migration, finish up the commissions I have, mail them out, and sell whatever remaining projects I have on FurBuy so I can focus on job searching.
To be honest I'm not sure where I'll wind up with a new job and i don't have much PTO left to take time off for job interviews. Guess I'll have to take a few unpaid days off and tighten my belt. I'll be blatantly honest, I have a handful of friends here where I am now and I am thankful for them all, but with everything else is going wrong in my life I may have to relocate geographically which means I may not be able to see those friends a lot anymore. I will have to see where the four winds take me.

Time passes and life changes in intricate ways. I'm at a weird point in my life. I feel like I am at a point where I need to let my feelings out.

Furry Migration will be mostly a business trip for me. I'm going out of my mind trying to think. These last couple weeks have been hard for me to process mentally as my parents have both retired. It puts somewhat of a weight on my mind because they need me now more than ever as I am the youngest kid in the family who has the most free time.

I am trying as hard as I can to get my fursuit crafting Business off the ground, but with all that's going on it isn't that easy. It's not that I am not being productive, I just need to make a good showing when I get to Furry Migration of my wares.

I have also had a bit of insomnia as of late. I cannot force myself to go to bed at an early time during weekdays for some reason. I am usually stuck in my apartment working or just sitting alone in my free time.

I am also simultaneously trying to balance my day job. While it may seem easy, Computerware taxes the brain like nothing else and it is somewhat hard to muster energy at the end of the day without drinking something like a Gatorade or an energy drink.

I have to keep telling myself that somehow this will all pass and there are better days ahead. It just really sucks when you don't know where to turn with your problems. It was very hard for me to write out my feelings in this journal as I am one that explains things better through talking. I did the easiest thing I could think of and decided to use my tablets voice dictation to text so I could finally get my feelings out as I do not have anyone around at this hour to listen.

All I can do is hope for a better tomorrow...

My fursuit crafting business is now on several sites including here! The user account is  onyxwolfcreations and I am officially open for commissions!

I've been realizing so much about myself and what I want out of life. I've felt like I've made some choices that have really impacted me. I know I can't control life, but I've been running away from some problems for a while and I need to address them.

Conventions are nice to go to, but now I may need to go to them in the future more for business purposes if anything. Let me put it this way...cons are money pits. They are good vacations, but at the same time I think the cheapest I've ever done a con is $300. I make plenty of money, but that's beside the point. After FWA and my surgery I'm feeling very drained emotionally and financially. Add to that breaking up with and having my ex move out earlier this year...I feel like I don't know myself most days.

I have the start of a suit making business now and commission stuff to work on. That part of my life is going right. One would think it nets a lot of money and it might, but I don't want to rely on money that is not there right away. I get payments, but until they get into my account I don't think about them.

I want to own a house at some point by myself. I may rent a room to friends or something like that. I am a person who is used to being alone and doing things my own way. I only really get out when I feel I need to do so. It just feels like I can't even leave the house without extra expenses adding up fast. Gas is $30 a tank or so for me. When you go out to eat, the bill may average $12 or so depending on where you go. That's $42 right there. Khoury kept telling me to enjoy myself once in a while, but with the way my finances are right now I can't see much profit in making plans to anything extra.

No fur meets, no extra dining out, I just need to have some time alone to think and do my fursuit work. I need to focus on what is really important right now.

This is weird. I have been depressed for several reasons lately. First of all, I won't be attending MFF. I said it wasn't my favorite con in an earlier journal, but that doesn't mean I don't like to go to it still.

Second, I feel like I've been making less of an effort lately to connect with people outside of my apartment (meaning everyone aside from my dragon).

Third, I think I am being overcome by greed. If I don't see some sort of profit in doing something then I stop doing it. I have recently been playing a lot less MTG, for example, because well...that reason was in one of my previous journals as well. Dropping paychecks on boxes of cards and all that.

The dragon keeps trying to bring me out of this state of mind, but some days I feel like this is the only way I want to feel. Its an odd cycle. Half of the week, I feel happy and carefree and then the other half I want to have a completely new life. I wish I could move up to Minnesota where I got to know a lot of new peeps from Furry Migration. I wish it wouldn't take so long to find a better paying job than the one I have right now.

But then I also have to take the dragon into consideration. He has his new job and I have not yet been with him a year. I am learning that I have to be a lot more stationery and sacrifice a lot to be with him. I just didn't know I'd be doing so much learning.

I guess I just have to accept where I am right now and hope that somehow this all changes for the better.

Let me explain something. I get sick of when people come around to my desk at work and try to tell me about the newest, latest, and greatest things. My degree is in computer science, but I honestly enough I could give two shits less about all the articles they bring me. I do not care about how close we are to nanotechnology or how beneficial eugenics through machines would be.

Now, let me explain why. My first degree is in art and that is still what drives me. I enjoy the whole process of software development from inception of ideas to actual release of the products, but beyond that that is where my interest stops. People think that just because I live in the IT department that I am automatically a technophile like the rest of the 40 and 50 something-year-old's there. I got this second degree both out of enjoyment and necessity. Its like choosing between pickled harring and cheesecake. I'll eat the feesh if I have to, but I'd rather be eating the cheesecake.

I did some coding for the web and my own personal use before I got my actual degree.it was fun, but the design process was even more of a thrill than the actual coding itself. I am mostly a solitary person with my : canasnagase:, but I wish I could do more with art. I could crochet a bunch of works and have an art opening somewhere. Well, to be honest I am working on my card game right now, so that takes precedence.

I guess the moral of the story here is don't judge a book by its cover. I know it sounds like a moral that should be apparently obvious but in my example there's no real way to tell who enjoys what and what interests one might have.

Gah, I am in such a bitter mood today and I'm not sure why. Maybe its just stress from the dragon not being able to work because of snow. Maybe its because Christmas is coming up and that means extra bills. Maybe its because I'm remembering painful things that happened years ago. I don't know what it is, but it feels debilatating right now. I woke up an hour early today in a funk because I was thinking of what to get everyone for Christmas. That led to other thoughts that led to other thoughts and yeah...I don't know. Maybe I need some food to help calm me down.

I wll flat-out admit that I am a capatalist at heart. I understand I don't have a monopoly on everything, but I do realize when there are opportunities to benefit from situations.

Now, the second part of this. I think I need to take a long break from playing MTG for a while and work on my own game. Some people say MTG is more complex than chess. In some ways I believe that to be true. It seems to me also that games like MTG equate to cons in a big way: They are both money pits. Not to say there isn't a huge benefit in investing in either, but they suck up money faster than a vacuum sucking up dirt from a floor. I had a talk with a friend of mine, Daniel, and it made me think. When I go to the card shop I see college students much younger (and probably even further steeped in debt than me) dropping all their extra money on single packs, decks, booster boxes (9 to a box and like $40), and "fat" packs as they are called (comprised of 32 booster packs nd costing around $80). And any way you slice it, it can be a crapshoot. I remember Daniel telling me about one of his friends buying a fat pack and coming up empty.

To explain a bit more about this I should explain boosters. You get 15 cards, 1 advertisement card, one land card, and one "rare" or "mythic rare" card. The rest are common cards worth a great deal less usually than the rare you get. In rare exceptonis, no pun intended, you get two rares in a booster. In short, the main value of a pack lies within the rare/rares you get and not much else. Now imagine gettign a fat pack of these, the 32 booster set, and not getting ONE SINGLE CARD you were hoping to pull. Well, nuts to that, y'all just blew $80 on something that did not turn out to be profitable. I suppose that is the "cost of doing business" so to speak, but it always makes me wary when I see someone buying a booster box. I suppose someone could drop a ton of money on a con and find out they were not having any fun there as well.

But as far as the MTG stuff goes, I'm sorry. I make plently of money to invest more deeply in the game, but that is not the answer. I'm not sure how all these college kids do it. No one I know is on the pro circuit. That is mostly the only way people make money off of this. Instead of getting raped, pillaged, smacked-around, and ran-over by a freight train with everyone else's decks; I figure why am I wasting my time force-feeding myself the wretched taste of defeat when I could be making faster progess on my game and having people pay me to give them entertainment instead?

I guess this comes around full circle to what I said at the beginning. I always find ways to profit off of things. I know sometimes failure is an integral part of a learning process, but this time failure has led me to see that people love card games even with the internet around. Young or old, they love the thrill of being able to compete casually or competatively. I see more the types that are out for blood at the card shop I go to. I have done a fair bit of research over these games and I have artists doing up designs as I speak. Now its more a matter of time before it all gets done. It was not easy putting this all together and I hope to have it done by Fur Squared.

With the winter season upon the dragon and I, I have decided to make another journal. I have some major life updates, but they are good, sensible ones.

First, neither of us will be going to MFF. Lately, we have been to many cons and it would be at least $300 minimum for us each to be able to attend with food and other expenses. I know that I could just shell out the money and do it, but at the same time I am con staff for another con. I am trying to save with the dragon for a house, too. I'm not saying I won't ever go to any other cons besides the one I staff in the future. I am just saying I am at a point in my life where some things just take precedence over short vacations.

Things are going well at my job and for now I want to stay put. Its winter so there aren't many job openings anyways. I'm focusing my efforts on Christmas stuffs. Religious pretenses aside, Christmas is my time to shine. I love getting or making presents as well as wrapping them. I know, I know, the holiday should not be about materialism. Its not the gifts themselves, its about the fact I have the power to give others some happiness. I love holiday parties and get-togethers even without gifts, too. Usually there are big enough crowds to play games and such.

However, first there is Thanksgiving to think about. My irl family is having it early so I am thinking of an interesting idea. I plan to tell my family about the dragon at Christmas rather than now (long story for those not in the know). But since I still have Thanksgiving off and traffic will be a byach that day to try and make it back home, what I might do is try to is have a furry thanksgiving with friends. I am totally not sure if we'd go the whole nine yards and get a turkey, but I have always wanted to try making one with the dragon, so its not out of the realm of possibility.

Life has been very plain lately and so there isn't much else to report. I guess I'm just very focused on the holidays for now.

Eh, I feel really crappy this morning and I'm not sure why. I upset the dragon last night and I guess you could say that's the closest thing we've had to an argument thus far. I guess we will be baking tonight, but right now I just need to get ready for work.

Part of me is not sure what to think most days. I understand the world isn't black and white, but when I make a mistake I tend to take it out on myself more than I should. Or else I make a mistake and think "Well, I screwed up and its all my fault." The dragon keeps telling me to give myself more credit, but I don't know how to do that sometimes. I'll give an example of why I feel the way I do.

Two weeks ago, the dragon started waking up at 5 AM to leave by 5:30 for work at 6. Unfortunately, this had the side-effect of waking me up at the same time. No matter what time I got to sleep it dislodged me from my sleep cycle. By Friday I was feeling like a zombie since I could not get up and get to bed at my normal times. Obviously, that week my performance at work wasn't optimal. Last week I had sent some of my code for review to the lead developer on my team. It was code that was written during the “tired week” as I term it now. To put it in plain English, I had accidentally copied a line of code that caused a query to work, but it was a copy of the previous line. I didn't know that until the lead developer pointed it out and reamed me for “wasting his time”. Excuse me? First of all, I sent this code to you for review. Second, I happened to have a bad week of sleep deprivation and while I said nothing to anyone about it, I'm not wasting your time with something I did accidentally.

And here is where I started to beat myself up. I felt it was my fault for not getting my sleep schedule on a better track before that week was over. Then the dragon said to me later that day that mistakes happen and I should give myself more credit. Let me explain something before I go on here. Writing code can get to be a lot like writing a paper or a book. You look over the work so many times that you grow too close to your own work and you fail to see mistakes unless they cause some disruption in the application you are writing. That happened to me that day. There is also another point which I must make. This isn't the first time something like this has happened where the lead developer has said I have been “wasting his time”. It has happened many times before this and then he always comes over five minutes later and apologizes and says he was just trying to shape me to be a better coder. Sounds more like an abusive, drunken husband sobering up and trying to console a crying, helpless wife. If it was a one-time thing with a one-time apology I would consider it water under the bridge and I'd try to improve myself. Instead I just started to think of all the reasons I was dumb and didn't check for that error. I strived to be the best student I could be while getting my computer science degree. I held positions of leadership in the computer science club at my college. All of this confidence in my head deflated by some developer who can't control his emotions and thinks that a simple verbal band puts everything back to normal.

My company somehow stays afloat despite being in the red since the housing market crash in 2004. They still did not see a profit this year and to tell the truth they are at least $300,000 in the hole. Everyone is under lots of stress to try and pinch pennies where they can because they don't want to see the company fail. So I am in the wrong? I keep wondering if I should get another job at another company. Are all IT jobs like this with irrational, opinionated people at the helm or is there actually credence to my thoughts about getting myself to a more positive workplace? I choose not to be anyone's friend at work because I don't feel mentally that I belong there. These are all 40-50 year olds who's idea of fun is cleaning the house with their heterosexual spouse and taking the kids to baseball practice. I am gay and have no kids. I have different interests than them. It was hard enough managing my stress level with being constaff for a convention. I couldn't tell anyone at work about it. Yet everyone could tell I was preoccupied. I wouldn't have told them what kind of con it was, but explaining something as simple as a convention goes over their heads when all their money is tied down in kids and houses.

So, I will continue to job hunt quietly and I'm not sure what else to do. With any luck, by December maybe I'll have a new job. This also however means no MFF for me. I'm sorry, its never been my favorite convention, but the cost of going is pretty high as well.