300 for a whole week's free time next week? Aiming for some real fancy gourmet shit to flex my corpse ass back into some action. The world still feels devoid of any hope but I am feeling a nice warm glow of an itty bitty spark of spite motivation rising deep within me towards the driver's seat. Maybe all this time watching the dogborg art pie growing bigger and bigger without getting a slice for so long is finally getting into me during these trying times. A little reminder to the world that the rabbit who dug that hole still lives.

Anyway, any takers? Feel free to let the broader dogborg community hear too. Haven't heard much of a peep of recognition lately and would like to be a little more than just a myth of a ghost forgotten. And also not end up homeless in a couple months or so of course.

I can finally get to revisiting that ancient ass mod I made back in the day for skyrim with a new properly designed and original HD model for the funny dwarven dogborg by yours truly. Been planning to do that since the 10th anniversary but never really got to even figuring out where to start with my current tools, but after some recent discoveries and experiments, I finally got all that crap figured out while working on some fun new features for the next update of the Bastard Edition. Also some of those new Bastard Edition features include new autotransfer maw/neck/etc bulge system and proper new creature weight gain morphs system. Also the new "dogborg" will probably also get those slider morphs in it haha. The design may end up lowkey a little vorny as a side effect maybe. Anyway, I've really been cooking with this stuff lately and the next playtest updates might drop soon once I figure out a couple more fixes and implement some user-accessible settings for the new experimental shit.

Turns out that bureaucracy bullshit from last year has sneakily hit me again without any warning or reminder nearly 2 months ago, and this time the demands are even more massive, requiring new up-to-date diagnoses and medical plans and so on. At least this time I know what not to do from the experiences from the last time, but it's probably still gonna be a lengthy process with all the added demands even if I do reach out to private health care before my savings are all gone again. Honestly just losing my hope and trust on these systems and getting increasingly certain I will be needing to rely on more ballsy strategies to break free from this shit by finding a more sustainable source of support and income online and probably also just go force some place to hire me through some underhanded means, like straight up robbing myself a job no one's willing to give me otherwise. Until then any support would be appreciated. My current stress levels still aren't letting me focus on producing arts, and trying to sell future commissions at this point just feels dishonest to me if the world refuses to stop sinking deeper and deeper into shit like it has for the past 5 years nonstop. When will the "slow apocalypse" finally be over? I have no idea and thus have no idea when i'll be able to deliver, but for a little more loose and less scammy alternative, I suppose I could offer people a chance to invest into a future commission? And if they find themselves in need of getting their investments back before I can get to working on the stuff, I can just refund it if I'm not in a similarly dire situation myself at that point. Could these strats work maybe?

Tbf she's doing fine, but I'm not. It's just that I don't know how things might go if something were to happen to me. In the worst case I'll probably find her a better home before it's too late. I just don't know how to put it in words how little value the world has ever dared to put on my price tag. Raised to be worthless and constantly reaffirmed that by the world getting more and more hostile towards my very existence every year, month, week, and day. I'm not sure if I'll be getting a chance to continue with my current disability employment thing past next january, and with the nightmare that the benefits bureaucracy thing brought last year, I don't think I've got what it takes to endure any more of this type of shit. Sure I should at least try and renew my antidepressants prescription that ran out a couple weeks ago, but even that would just bring me back to how things had been for the past miserable years. As long as the source of misery remains unaddressed, all that those meds do is make me too tired to feel proper emotions and too tired to act out on them. The source of all that misery has always been the curse of generational poverty and how it had destroyed any chances i could've ever had for a healthy childhood growing up in a society where every other caste would consider poverty a myth fabricated as an excuse by the lowest filth of humanity to commit unspeakable things. I was raised to never ask for help or attention and that poisoned any and all chances I could've ever had in life. That's why I had to put my dog in the title here to get even started with this journal to begin with. She deserves everything that my destroyed soul would refuse to seek attention for if it was for me. One of the plans I did have earlier this year was to put a good chunk of that backlog benefits money towards investments, taking my opportunity to squeeze a little bit of myself into the markets while the global economy was taking a huge fucking dip and making the entrance appear relatively affordable and future looking promising if the world were to ever begin to heal again, but so far things have mostly been just getting worse and it would take months at current rate to even break even, let along get anything out of it. I cannot afford to escape poverty on my own, and in order to rugpull my bootstraps like a ripcord to get myself spin like a beyblade and start working for such goals, I'll need a body and mind that aren't falling apart at the first step. This has been a plea for help. Love you all

Mmh... Feeling about as alright as these circumstances allow. On a less doomed timeline I'd probably be doing pretty great rn. I've pretty much done everything I've been able to do to get things better without losing my shit and disconnecting from the world and disappearing into the woods forever to become some feral cryptid or a corpse lol. The summer is coming and all my personal major life situation issues have pretty much been resolved for now. Yet the dread of existence remains near unchanged due to the increasingly fucked up situation literally everywhere else outside the reach of my sphere of influence. I'm just here standing and staring at the world and being like "It's your turn now..." while watching as the shit and piss stains keep on flowing further down the world's pant legs into a wider and wider puddle on the floor in front of me. It is a real curse to be living in "the world's happiest country" while the atrocities worldwide keep on fueling the innate "problem solver" in me towards more and more drastic measures of direct action. Had I not been surrounded by this buffer zone of niceness isolating me from the action and my lack of funds to reach my arms beyond, I would be out there personally taking these dictators and war criminals and oligarchs ruining everything out with my bare fucking hands, but here I am, stuck confined behind the wall padding of the local bubble of relative competence of running a society. Tired of feeling so helpless against a bunch of squishy crunchy little bags of borderline expired flesh that the world surrounding them seems to treat as literal immortal deities. Anyway that' enough of this sorta rambling I was able to squeeze out of my rotting brain for now. I just hope the world starts healing before my dog runs out of her years. She's already 9... I'd be doing more art again if life wasn't constantly throwing this sorta "you can't sleep with enemies nearby" type of energy between the gears of my creativity. I wish I was able to fix this myself, but as a dumbfuck nobody from bumfuck nowhere, I can only try to maintain what little hope there is and complain online about it to the handful of people stumbling across my online presence :v

Hopefully it wont eat up all those savings of mine again.

Anyway, back during the worst parts of the past few months while I was "feeling the blood pressure throbbing inside my teeth" it was not just stress related. Apparently one of my chipped teeth had cracked further and deeper, all the way into the pulp without me even noticing. I suppose the final crack and subsequent pulp death both had to happen some time while I had been asleep. I had kinda noticed and been wondering how I hadn't felt any pain or discomfort in that tooth for a while until another piece came off a couple weeks ago. A rather large 2x2x3mm chunk showing every structural layer of the tooth from enamel to a blackened smut stain at the pulp side like it was a piece of some kind of anatomical chart illustration. So yeah... The dentist is gonna find a whole new straight up hollowed out tooth that hadn't been like that during the checkup earlier. Been kinda tricky to try and keep relatively not packed to brim with rotting food gunk cause it's pretty much got a hole big enough it could almost fit the tip bulb of a small headphone jack, facing directly at the work surface that i've been trying to keep away from work for a pretty obvious reason :v

8 months hell over.

Pent-up stress tensions from this matter have been released and my head's feeling like a deflated balloon rn. Got some plans and other stuff to figure out next but for now i'm just gonna let my deflated ass remain aflop on the floor and relax

Day ### of Still No Money.

I've been recently catching my thoughts veering off to unusually high levels of, dare i say, almost bitterlike type of envy in the presence of people or characters considerably heftier than I am. Kinda to the point it's kind of starting to feel somewhat unhealthy, and I'm not talking about the weight being that, but the envy itself rotting my brain green. I feel like this is how a medieval peasant must have felt back in the days. I just... can't afford to get softer than this with how things have been. I know I'm not a very skinny person, but out of my bulk it's mostly just meat grown from years of physical labor with not enough padding to properly even sink the first joint of my finger in at the thickest. And how much that goddamn celiac disease limits what I can even eat is not helping. Kinda just wanna drop that off altogether to be honest. I am done suffering tinyass little portions designed for special needs children and diet influencers instead of adults with adult size organs while also costing 10x the price and still tasting/feeling like crusty fake food rations from post-apocalyptic dystopian scifi media. I want real food.

Anyway... Just kinda wondering. Would this be a great idea? Would it even work?



Edit: Yeah seems to be kind of a bad idea then... Would be nice to settle on a drive for a nice dinner for tonight though. I'm feeling pretty hungry rn.

Actually I think I am gonna do it a little bit tho. My body does not feel like it's in a very healthy range at the moment. Emaciated below that. I've got some catching up to do in order to even reach a normal level.

Currently in a point where almost anything feels like an improvement what comes to my mental and physical health. Even the lowest rung on a ladder has appeal when you're stuck in the dirt. I'm tired of feeling like a ghoul.


Edit 2: Ate a big pizza. Feeling alright again :v

Nothing new or urgent tho. Been like that for at least 20 years, probably more.

"Idiot savant" is such a funny concept and probably what i've always considered myself to be. Brain stats minmaxed into a single egg basket. And with all that, still achieving some wild shit through sheer stubborn determination feels kinda great tbh. Brain sorcery with zero wizardry shit. All my brain points vaguely poured into "problem solving" and some for "eyeballing measurements", which have somehow enabled my art, design, and gamedev skills as a side effect. The rest of my brain functions are like... dog level I guess. That or someone born with platinum trophy on fetal development issues. Forsake the use of one of the billionaire worship cult's favorite slurs. I really struggle to use my brain for literally everything else and can't remember jack shit what comes to learning most stuff. Whenever I gotta like really think, it feels like i'm physically scrunching my smooth brain like juicing a fruit barehanded. Like i gotta imagine my my brain wrinkly so hard it kind of begins manifesting, as reliably as an imaginary thing conjured into existence through sheer willpower can. When I do arts I can't recall skills or techniques. I just kinda develop them from scratch with the help of some context clues every time. When I code I don't "know" any coding language. I just look at how existing code around it is done and work around that. If I don't got any sufficient context clues to recreate the circumstances of the initial experience my whole brain just runs away into the woods forever lol. But like a dog I can still learn tricks! And being a good boy gets my ass all waggy. Positive reinforcement.

Anyway last night I managed to create a smooth 3rd person voreprey view tracker system with analog stick camera controls for Bastard Mod VR version in a game that literally has zero support for any kind of nth person camera system whatsoever and got it working damn near flawlessly through several stubborn hours of sticky shit+wall coding strats. What is an "impossible thing" if not a challenge for a grit tripping halfwit. I dread the moment an actual skilled individual takes a look at my source codes and finds the thickly coated walls of my stinky-style abstract expressionism hiding in there...

Also I still haven't received that money fsghjkd true bureaucracy moment. At least I did manage to convince them to move the case up an urgency level this week, after 3 more weeks of waiting for a single guy to take a look at a paper and say "Yup that's a paper". Hopefully maybe next week...

I went through so many loops trying to find some of these fancy words i vaguely knew existed through loose swings of context based search engine sleuthing lmao. But I found them! ...Eventually :v

Anyway I forgot what I was planning to write like 3 sentences in and just ended up rambling out of my ass into a vague direction of the subject I forgot. Felt nice tho. Felt smart. Grandiloquence.

There's juice on the floor.

Mails snailed too hard. Deadline for the validity of the payment backlog was tomorrow and I had gotten no confirmation of the documents reaching the destination in time, nor even a response to my message asking about it yesterday. I just pulled off a wholeass heist vibe operation rushing my ass unannounced to the medical office to GET a copy of the documents just moments before closing time. Even got it signed there without needing to pull out hostile measures thank goodness. Quickly rushed to snap pictures of the documents to immediately send over online, sending it to two adjacently named departments just in case, and then stuffed it all to envelope I deliberately marked with date of delivery to haul off to the local physical office just a few kms away to personally drop it off there right before their closing time.

For some silly context, ever since my childhood I had been tracking if it's even little bit sunny on my bdays, and from the start of that habit, there had been some sun at some point around here every time without failure. Until yesterday. Solid overcast all day. And such was the case today as well, even had some rain while I was hauling off heist style, all the way until I had dropped off the physical package and stepped out of the office. Suddenly sunny. I had finally turned 32 for real, dates be damned :v

32 geezer points

I really hope the mail has done snailing so that I could at least get my missing income tomorrow. Past week's stress gradient been rising with each day of not hearing anything from that stuff been kinda heavy with increasing feeling that someone might have managed to fuck the whole thing up again and lost the documents in mail or something. Even my recently discovered "potential stroke warning system" has started kicking in again in the past couple days with the real physical throbbing sensation of blood pressure inside my teeth and nasal cavity lining flaring up, reminding me to chill the fuck out before it spreads higher up again.

Life really been edging that catharsis for so long with so high stakes, personal and global alike, like some sort of ultimate soul goon...

Thank fucking goodness. Feeling immensely relieved right now. Turns out the doctor had fucked up and forgot to send the paperwork to the office until last friday via snail mail or something and that I can still get the missed backlog of funds from these 6 months as soon as they receive the documents.

Gonna order something tasty with what little i got left before the big money drops. Been living on gruel for long enough :v



Also don't wanna put another journal up so soon after that sorta news, but here's a fun little edit extra:

I've made a new slightly more curated jam playlist after my other one reached full 5k cap and has been kinda suffering link rot because enshittifytube weird and don't let people remove deleted vids off their playlists, just hiding them while still taking up slots.

Anyhow here's the new list. Made with one simple criteria: It's the old list but only the tracks i've had playing on repeat loop at some point or another :v
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?li.....24Y-YNfl9PmmKl

After what I've done today, I'll probably be getting something quite soon. But what will it be?

A: My missing money.

B: A welfare check.

C: Cops.

D: An excuse.

Place your bets. I already placed mine.

:)

Why in the fuck have I been straight up using "nervous chuckle" as fucking punctuation in nearly all of my communications for so long. The more it keeps happening the more I keep noticing it and it's starting to drive me insane. It's just everywhere. I know I should be killing the part of myself that cringes but it's kinda got a point with silliness like this. I kinda feel like the sheer volume of that is kind of painting a picture of someone who's either in "I'm in danger" mode or clowning out 24/7... Which frankly both kinda do hit the nail in the head to be honest... But it's just leaking everywhere and making a mess. Feeling like I'm someone speaking so wet and sloppy that little sprinkles of saliva keep splattering in the face of whomever I'm talking to and that's sorta how it feels whenever I start noticing it happening lmao. I feel compelled to at least hand you all a metaphorical tissue paper for putting up with this.

heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh...

Not to forget this little fucker too -> :v

lmao (<- Period Plus™)

It'll be in the next month tho, so this month's still going to be kind of a diet month, but survivable. Thanking you all for your support. If everything goes as planned I should be having a backlog of missed payments coming before the upcoming dental bills hit. I got like 4 spontaneously cracked teeth to repair (crooked crowding pressure plus weak untreated celiac era building materials = random mouth explosions lol)

Only 240€ more to go til I can pay next month's utility/service/meds bills.

If I'm lucky I might be able to get the govt support issue fixed before the next (or following) month's dental bills come. But considering my track record with luck over the past 3 decades, i'm not too hopeful.

My stress levels have yet to return to feasible levels for creative endeavors such as art commissions. I could probably take some in advance, but it might take a while before i can deliver or refund them.

I was way too ambitious back then and took several commissions and requests that i never managed to finish. Some paid, some not, some personal, some gifts. There's a lot of unseen material from that era. I'll probably try and get contact to folks whose stuff never got finished to see if they're alright with me uploading their stuff unfinished. At this point I'm not really planning to finish those pics, at least not for free at the moment. I could probably be up for commissions to finish some of them though. However my hardware and software tools have changed over time, so preserving layered projects through file conversions may make it tricky to start where i left off, especially with such enormous mental gap between then and now.

It's just that my current money situation is pretty dire. <200€ in the bank, and a couple more i could pull from my paypal if the situation isn't resolved soon enough. Kinda intending to open commissions again to get through the next months, but I can't really work on new stuff with all the unfinished things still haunting me. Uploading it off my chest would essentially just be an attempt to stop the ghosts of the past from tipping my stress levels over the lockup/shutdown threshold while i'm supposed to work.

Found and fixed one potential contributing factor for some of my recent issues today. There was a tiny near imperceptible leak in my low-budget experimental hardware store material dual-loop pc liquid cooling setup. I had been suspicious about it for a good while, cause the coolant levels had been very slowly dropping, losing like maybe a couple ml every month.

I recently did a little reservoir upgrade on it, swapping a crappy old box reservoir inside to a tall narrow cylindrical one on the outside, and due to this one being mounted on the outside of the case in plain sight, and its narrower volume, the slow level drop became much more visible. Anyway, the setup is basically filled with vehicle coolant, which lingers for ages hardly evaporating at all. There had been a small wide flat puddle of it in the bottom of the case. Took a while but I managed to find and fix the leak and so long it seems pretty stable and dry for now.

Wouldn't be my first experience with the nasty effects of coolant vapor exposure. My first (mom's) car sprung a small leak in the cabin air heater, which had been pushing fumes inside. For a good while it was just a nasty inconvenience cause it kept fogging up the windows with non-evaporating stuff that needed washing to come off, but just a couple weeks later I spontaneously out of nowhere got the biggest nosebleed I had ever seen and connected the dots. And this time its source had been microdosing me in my own bedroom, probably doing to my brain what the fumes had been doing to the windows of that car back then. fogy...

I really need some kind of solutions for this persistent state of exhaustion and fatigue that's been pissing into my cereals for the past few years straight. The glasses did help my eyes at least, so I no longer feel 100% that "forced to wake up way too early with sand still in my eyes" type of grogginess 24/7. My eyes feel nice and comfy now but the rest of my body still feels like a poorly reanimated corpse with brainfog so thick i can't even see the wrinkles. The last time I felt genuinely unexhausted was some recent past year when I straight up fainted after standing up too fast or something and crashed back into my senses on impact with no trace of brain fog for a little while.

So I ended up getting a second VR headset as well for comfort reasons (cause Quest 1 is a proper hefty brick to make any day an unskippable neck day) after finding a different used affordable set that was newer and more powerful and with better weight distribution. Kinda disappointed to find out the weight part on the online specs comparison site for Pico 4 was kinda bs and probably wasn't counting the battery on it at all cause it kinda feels slightly heavier than my Q1 somehow. At least the weight distribution is more balanced with the separated battery pack behind the head strap. The resolution and refresh rate are much better, but no backlight bleeding LCD panel can match the immersive contrast of the OLED tech on the older set with the advanced darkness that makes it look like the screen straight up dies upon entering the void until you look towards something brighter again :v

Anyway the 2 headsets were only half of that recent splurging mentioned...

The other half might at least pay itself back soon enough if it manages to fix my debilitating art fatigue issues and other eye strain related symptoms I've been struggling with. I finally went and got my eyesight checked properly and it turns out I did have a pretty nasty case of vertical astigmatism after all (-1.75 -2.00) and just thinking about all the effort and energy my visual processing has been wasting on artificial sharpening tricks to have fooled the rest of my brain for so long. All that effort and energy that will soon be available for something more worthwhile.

Also back to the VR stuffs, I've come across some neat stuff and people over on VRChat, but I've still yet to figure out how any custom content stuff there even works. Got to try a bunch of neat free/public avs but anything beyond has so far felt too risky for my clueless little noobie ass to really consider yet, pretty much all along the lines of "Pay 50 bucks to download a DIY mystery bag of raw source files to somehow compile into something" :v

As for Resonite I still haven't gotten any hints about any content or groups over there aside from a bunch of freebie inventory folders. I did manage to find a pretty nifty little system that lets me eat any random objects I can grab tho lmao. I'm so feedable now uwu

Finally managed to get one after finding a used set for super cheap. Kind of an outdated and barely supported model but seems to be still working all fine though. Already got to try vrchat and resonite on it and both work pretty nicely. I just have no idea what to do there and where to find any of the good stuff. If any of y'all know good furry and/or vorny content to check out or wants to hang out some time, I'd love to hear about it

So, basically I kind of have a new compy but it is my old compy in all physical manners. My compy was already beefy enough for my needs, but the old-ass Windows 7 build I've had since forever had been growing more tight and restricting with every year, especially with the final support drop and a lot of things no longer even being able to run on it, so I decided to just get a fresh drive for a fresh install. Was a pretty big decision considering nearly all of my digital progress, files, customization and tools etc that I had collected and gotten used to for the past decade and some more are on the old w7 setup, which is why I chose to just get a new main drive to swap with it for the fresh setup rather than wiping anything. Went with windows 11 cause that's what the store had in a usb stick format cause my compy doesn't even have an optical drive and 10 on disc was same price anyway there. Been spending a while trying my best to bastardize the dumbed down features to the best of my abilities to bypass all the infantilizing stuff in order to tamper things into something I'm more comfortable with. And since I only swapped in the main SSD, the storage drives still have most of my files and stuff so it's just a matter of getting all the tools and shit to work on this thing again and figuring out how to use the modern versions of the tools. So far things have been going pretty well and the new setup is getting closer to being as usable as the old one was. Or is. It's just a matter of swapping some cables around to bring back the old setup and all anyway :v

Sorry y'all for the past inactivity and all. Been a rough spring with lots of crap I've had to deal with, which had all been made so much worse with bad meds and somewhat also the lack of em.

Finally got to start with a new adjusted stuff, which really just is the same old stuff with a smaller dose. The stuff I had been on had been formerly adjusted a little bit too high before I got the celiacs diagnosis and recovery, so back then my guts had been like really busted and pretty bad at absorbing the good stuff. I suppose they had finaly gotten good enough to finally get the full effect of the excessively raised dosage of the meds and all the fun little side effects.

For the past months the stuff had been only useful at work while doing physically demanding tasks, while completely ruining my ability to properly do "sitting work" at home. Anyhow, today's been the first day on the lowered dose and I can already feel the positive effect. Feels good to no longer be stuck in a chemically induced subtle fight-or-flight mode running rampant in the background. While that stuff hadn't been an issue at work, where all the physical tasks had been "fighty" enough to keep the effect in check, any attempts of digital productivity at home had been a complete pain in the ass with all that anxiety and restlessness taking away my focus until making me way too tired or headachy to continue, and without meds my adhd took over its own way.

God I have so much catching up to do with all this stuff now.

Gonna be warming up a little with some misc stuff I guess until I get the juices flowing and such.

Currently got one 3h piece coming up, and after that, one 1h piece.

There's still one official slot left, but more can also open up afterward if I can keep the momentum going.

https://picarto.tv/VURKS