Mmm, it's been six months since my last entry.

Honestly, i can't really be bothered mentioning everything that has happened in the last six months, but the last week i can do easily. A lot of people have pissed me off recently, but then again i suppose thats not really something new is it? Some people, who have shown severe lack of respect to others and some who have been just plain over-dramatic rude.

I care for my friends, whether you all here from me very much or at all, i have met you and i wouldn't be keeping my eye on things and 'watching' you all if i didn't care to some degree. I consider most people i know as my friends, because if i didn't think they were, i wouldn't have bothered remembering. Why would i? Is someone is not going to be friendly or at least decent or nice, then there is no reason i would care to remember them. They don't deserve my time or emotion.

Im mostly pissed off this time, with the exception of say two people who are friends, that have made me angry, im mostly pissed off at 'friends' of my friends because, well, honestly they're not acting as friends. They're hurting you, you numb skull, why are you still giving a damn about these other people?! And its not the first time either!

Anyway, in the past week, i have had a black eye, a bruise stretching down the side of my ribcage and now i have drops for my eyes because of inflammation. Nothing puffy, just very red and sore. Not cool. So i can't read, i can't watch things, i can't go to work and i can't drive around. Not great. So im going a little insane. Probably why im taking out my frustration on people who are just a waste of my potential oxygen!

Sigh. So yes. But im here again, strangely enough, and will probably keep my eyes (whats working of them), on this section and on a few people for a couple of days and then vanish again. Im good at vanishing. Or not being around. Been contemplating going back to some furmeets and things but its a big internal debate. A lot of the furs i used to go and see don't show anymore and things just seem so dramatic and complicated and unfriendly. I don't care how it LOOKS, it FEELS unfriendly half the time. From previous experience, maybe its different now? Who knows.

Possibilities.

There are many moments that i can be frustrated by. Many situations and many issues that stress me and pull on my mind. The worst of which, is currently plaguing me.

A friend, who has put themselves into a particular instance, that when looked at logically or reasonably, leads to certain consequences. Certain disasters will occur from this, and when you have yourself been in that type of story, you don't want to see someone else go through it. Not when it almost broke you.

Not when you care about them.

You don't want to sit back and watch this happen, but you don't want to intrude too much for fear of being hated or judged that perhaps you are doing it for your own benefit. But above all you don't want to see that one person in pain.

I wonder, what it is i should do in this complicated array of circumstances....
And i wonder how to help the other who will be affected by this in various separate ways...

Pay attention now, this is really important.

I need an identity, a volunteer, someone nearby Sydney, willing to head to Liverpool, more then likely (but not promised) with me, who is preferably somewhat car savvy, to check out a car and its worthiness, for another fur friend.

Anyone know anyone or think they could possibly be up for the challenge?

Im so sick to death of people either letting me down, disappointing me or just plainly being unreliable.

Bluntly, i want to bitch about something that happened to me recently, and maybe something similar has happened to you once, by all means feel free to share your encounter too.

I went to the local-ish pub on thursday night for karaoke, like i usually do. Spent the night with my wonderful old furry school friend from primary school, and a few other mates i usually see. Had an awesome time, sang songs, enjoyed every bit of it. Even though my ex was hanging around and was hooked up with the friend that i always got along with when we were together. I didn't care. I had my mates, and i was happy.

So the next night i get a text message while im sitting in the cinema with the same friends basically, watching Rango. Which was hilarious, and its a good thing it was because if it wasn't i probably would have lost my head then and there. According to my ex, i was giving him and his new girlfriend dirty looks all night, and i 'know what im trying to do'. I was pretty damn sure i was just ignoring him and trying to have a decent night. But it continued! Im a 'psychotic, sadistic, manipulative, vindictive, pathetic bitch'.

I can handle that. He wanted to tell me to stay out of his life and god knows what else, it was a long message. So i said i didn't talk to them because i didn't want to cause trouble. Which is true, believe it or not, i've been in that situation on different levels and perspectives, and its not great. So i said okay. I would leave them alone.

Again a long winded reply about how seeing as i replied, i mustn't have got the hint and he never wants to see me or hear from me again and if i keep doing it he'll go to the police for harrassment. And i couldn't help myself, i just had the short reply telling him i don't know what i've done wrong, but if thats the case, he shouldn't have started the messaging and insulting in the first place, but alright, i'll cease.

Pretty ridiculous and i could have simply not responded, but i didn't -do- anything! But whatever you know, its not a big concern now, im over it and the next time i saw him at the pub on the sunday karaoke night, i just did what i did the first night and though he sat next to me at one point, dutifully ignored him. If he doesn't want to lay eyes on my ever again, he can damn well shut them when i walk by, but im not leaving my fun karaoke nights just because he decided he had PMS and wanted someone to lash out at. We hadn't even spoken the three or four months before that message.

Sadistic, probably. Psychotic, depending on the situation. Pathetic, more than likely. A bitch, yes. Manipulative and vindictive, who knows. I try not to be, but with my luck, mybe i am just a horrid person.

If thats how i am when im trying not to cause trouble and have a good time, i wonder what im like when i get pissed off.

Other then that, the floods in the Illawarra cut me off from everything and everyone the other day, seeing i like in the main area it drowned. First the Queensland floods and now this. Unbelieveable.

So yeah, thats my annoyances currently. Being used by some others isn't fantastic either, but thats for another irritated rant session.

The past week has been basic misery. Work non stop, saying goodbye to people i would rather be spending more time with and then being in the path of having been 'forgotten'.

More work and on the one day off i have i have housework to do, laundry to do and errands to run. I haven't slept more then four to five hours each night in the past week.

There has been a string of bad occurances and problems to follow and its getting ridiculously unbearable. So im understandably fair upset this fortnight.

So i... Have... Nothing else to say.

My head...
I was doing so well.

Get out of my mind and leave me alone...

I won't go through this again...

Right?

Im sorry, but i cannot contain this. I have had a very bad few days and im about fit to blow up the world, im in that much of a rage.

To top it off i read something from someone as a comment to a journal post. And im not sorry for this, but all i could think in regards to them at that point in time was

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET SYMPATHY IF YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A LITTLE SHIT!
So grow up, get over it and stop trying to make other people feel bad, just because you can't hack it that they don't think you're the centre of the fucking world.



Alright. I think im finished. Rage has slowly subsided. Surprisingly, i rarely get so mad... Interesting, no?

*Ahem*

Mofo!

Im deciding i should go to the saturday meet this weekend.

There are people i want to see, some i want to meet finally, and naturally some i feel need to have some comfort. Regardless of whether they want it, need it or if they don't want it, there is something that disturbs me enough to hang in the area and keep an eye open.

I could use the entertainment of seeing a group of furries all in one place as well.

So i suppose, that settles that. Im wondering how im going to get up there on time and whatnot, and thinking maybe i should find people along the same train line and seeing if i can't get my mind around getting a small gathering on it ay.

Right. Furries doing that. No chance. I'll just rock up and see what happens if i can manage it. Though im feeling a little on edge, im quite worried about a few people. Which is making me twitchy. I care about everyone i meet, to varying degrees maybe, but i do.

So i worry. Im concerned. And to those who know or need it, im always around somewhere.

Yes. I am so very, very twisted.

Oh dear.

First of all, for my resent double shift at work that had me up all night, i have to say a very warm thank you to Sariya for staying up all night and having phone message conversations.

Erm, a few things have been happening, but im not sure which i feel like mentioning and which i don't. A lot of people have been grating my patience and nerves lately and its worrying me because im usually (if anything) passive agressive. Recently, i seem to be feeling particularly rage-struck whenever something like that happens. That's not a good sign, generally. More so for me.

Others have simply had the habit of bringing up bad memories or old thoughts which i had delibrately evicted from my mind a long time ago for my own reasons.

Job is good. Plans have started motion.

My point this day seems to simply be that right now, i hate most people. I don't want to, but it just seems to be going that way, and i can see how, but i literally cannot change it, unless the other person assists too, and usually they just fail.

Im stuck in a social mess, a relationships-based mess and also a mess my mind appears to be either fabricating or bringing to light. Either one it is, i still count it as a mess and i still see it as trouble for me. Most other topics or genres of mess or trouble, i can handle without too much fuss so there is not point in ranting about, or even mentioning them.

Right now i have a forefront point to make.
- If i don't personally tell you about something, or i don't respond enthusiastically or by explaining things to you, then its because it's something i don't want to tell you. Either it is personal, or plainly just none of your business. I figured that is reasonable.

The last thing i would like to say, is unless someone is just playing around, being a little immature for amusement purposes or simply having some fun; Don't be a child. Grow up. Having hissy fits and tantrums and the ever so popular 'i don't care approach of saying 'whatever' and wandering off, like that makes you such a memorable force of wrath, is to me... Purely pathetic.

I believe in discussion, though i know i get emotional. I won't block people on msn, i don't disregard people and walk away and i most certainly never take the 'oh whatever' approach to things.

I understand depression and other emotions and some personal issues can come into consideration during these times and various other points would be valid too, but you need a really worthy excuse to make some actions passable in my mind.

However unflattering, i do regard people and can't help having my opinions, which also means i can't help having my scale of respect. Those i can respect easily, and those it takes more effort to keep it there for and of course-

Extremely rare; the people i have no respect for.

I think im finished ranting now. A little angry still, and still hating a vast expanse of population...

But thats me.

Here it is, everything.


Forgetting the beginning of my life, and every relationship from then besides my two close best friends, my girls. I've been with some real awful people, and particular others in my life know about those.

Recently, things have been going off the rail. When i was with KM, as what i am going to refer to him as, things started out as well as could be expected. And for four years i was with him, and things began going wrong. Computer games take over so many men's lives and stops then doing anything. Like not cooking or caring or cleaning or helping. Nothing. Not even going out for a night, dinner or movie, not even only a movie. Nothing.

Things broke, and i left. Since being back home i was determined to get things in order and i have my certificates. Some more males, however, decided they wanted to be a part of my life as well. The first, being an old school friend who has made everything a right little awkward mess, even though i refused to be with him. Secondly there was someone who got to know me, went out, asked for dates until i caved and said i would be with him. The day after i did he would go on about getting a job and making himself something and moving his band under way and everything else.

Naturally the same screw ups happened, he never even wrote out a resume, no matter how many times he said he was going to or wanted to, so i started reminding him and trying to help. I must have just always gotten in the way because before i know it we're taking a break and then he is kissing his best friend. Not to mention leaving me deserted at the pub to go off with some other girl he used to date.

That naturally ended, and when i tried to turn things around to some positive manner, he ended up saying or acting into things that came across as me being ditched by him, a second time. The third person involved, i apparently damaged his former relationship just by damn well talking to him and getting along, trying to be friends with people i had barely met before. Wonderful, no? Now hes nice enough, and he tried, i can't say he doesn't try. But he is constantly making things out to be mountainous problems and hes been hurting me. Emotionally. Mentally.

If anyone ever again hurts me physically i will break their jaw. Among other joint, more then likely.

The fourth, is the man i have been in love with before and have wanted to be with for a very long time, but who keeps giving me mixed signals about whether he does or doesn't want me. Saying he wants to see where things go, but he doesn't want to commit to being with me. There is no way that can work out in my mind, because i don't want to be waiting around constantly.

I want to be with someone. I don't like being alone. But im a strong woman, and i know i can handle the let downs and i can be alone for as long as it takes to find a decent person to be with. I've done it before and i have dealt with this sort of desperately miserably feeling and i haven't succeeding in dying from it yet, so im surely going to be fine.

But for now, for this moment, im going on an exercise, fitness, health crusade, so that i can stay distracted enough to not think about anything. I will come out to see people and re-socialize myself when i feel like i am able to face things well again.

And for now, on the 'other people related to my life' side of things, i think that is about all.

You know what?

I may not be attractive, but that doesn't give any of the population the right to screw me over!

So be damn careful around me in future!

So, im sitting in a little house near to Ipswich, this area being surrounded by others that are flooded or are currently flooding. I would like to convey everything that has gone through my mind since the whole situation started to eventuate. And really, i go on holiday and the closer it gets to when i have to leave, this sort of thing starts to happen.

Woke up a day or rather two days ago, to hear about all of the levels of water in creeks and rivers are rising and not an hour after that, i was told they were all breaking their banks and going over bridges and generally screwing up anything that came into contact with them. Naturally at this point i was yet to panic, i figured with all the rain pouring down and the fact that it had been doing so all night beforehand, that some things were going to get a little more then just a bit wet. Right?

So then i start hearing about the flash flood in the neighbouring areas. Mind, those areas are, (granted) a fair while away, it was still a little unnerving. And so i started making small preparations, getting the first aid things together and a small bag of my generally important things, like my wallet. Then it gets worse... We get a call from some friends, telling us that the home phone lines are sending out the emergency signals and code and warnings. Lovely. I started to panic. We made sure we had a lot of things, and after that, not a few moments after that at all, we turned on the news.

Everything was going under. And it still is. Im personally, in all honesty, terrified. But its not the time to be saying that we should all remain so positive and moderately happy. No. The time is right for us to stay based in reality, and to be logical. To stay prepared. And we are doing just that. Though tonight, we are drinking. To lessen the stress and frustration and basic panic. So far as we know, we are safe where we are for the moment. I've already treated several injuries and things here and even if i seem a little outright testy or snappy, its because i am remaining focused and keeping my wits up.

Otherwise, there is apparently another storm on the way. Im hoping things are going to remain at least at an appropriate level of safety in this house. And now... i can't think of much to say for the moment. So thats it.

The truth is...

I am such a book nerd...

Jacora and I have a hybrid child.

Im breaking until further notice.

I do not wish to leave the house, unless its for work, let alone go anywhere out of the way. I dont wish to have anyone around, i dont particularly feel like allowing any visitors.

I've discovered i get my cruel tendencies and my ability to be that cruel from my mother. What happened bares no importance, and isn't an overly huge factor in this declaration, and neither is Christmas.


To various people i bare the following messages;

- Do not try to fix my problems
- Do not try to talk me around to 'thinking differently/positively'
- Do not assume you are welcome to my door unexpectedly.
- Do not think you know what "is wrong" with me.
- Do not try to give me a 'big dose of reality'

II've had more then my share of these attempts happening lately, and its more the likely doing more damage then it is good.

For now, i just want to stay in my mind.

Thank you.
~Raz.

So i've been doing a lot of general, sitting around and not really doing much lately. Probably due to my ridiculously non-existant sleep.

But i've started thinking of getting my sketch books and pencils out again. Not the best drawings known to man, and they probably never will be, but i enjoy trying. So i need some ideas of what to draw...

I considered possibly drawing my fursona in my work uniform, or with various other furries whom i spend time talking to regularly or something. Possibly one stradling a companion cube..... Or a tiny little ferret, hanging from the side of one... Oh wow, im so going to draw that...

Anyway, anyone with any thoughts, let me know what you think. Maybe i should just stick to my writing... I draw my avatar though, though that was in 2006...

Ah well, take care all and if you can or if you somehow think of something, let me know! I need a smile or something at least distracting to get into.

~Raz

To start off, i've been sitting staring at my screen for about twenty minutes, with the thought that im going to write a journal entry, basically about the meet yesterday. Taking a fair bit of time to figure out just how im going to phrase the Awesome that was that meet...


The beginning is usually the best place to start, and for me, the beginning was when Jacora and I showed up at the laser tag, which had just finished. He had had things to do that morning before we went, and i wouldn't have been functioning until 10:30am, when he arrived to pick me up anyway. I won't lie, i was almost not looking forward to the meet because it meant i had to put effort into waking up because my sleeping pattern has been very cruel to me lately.

But i was awake by the time we got there, and we all headed down to the food court, as furries tend to do, and sat around having some very entertaining conversations about PC games and various things. Very enjoyable, though we slowly dispersed and to cut to the quick, we amused ourselves on the way out to the train station, had a LOT of good laughs during the trip and then finally ended up at the pub.

Now it got very interesting after that point, in a completely different way. And get your minds out of the gutter. To see a group of furries in a small pub room, lounging around, relaxing, having a few drinks and just generally all being laid back and having a good time, just gave me a lovely warm, fuzzy feeling. So i got a drink. Then another. Then two more. Then another and a coke for Sedgy.

Now to take a moment to give a half hearted apology, in case i did offend anyone, but i don't think i did... Being quite drunk, many jokes went around and i was dedicated to constantly telling dear Smokey just how much i adore the tail and ears she made for me.

More drinks were drunk and more drunks were drinking! It was amazing, tremendous fun and i was scaring myself with just how incredibly happy it made me to be having that much fun.

I met a lot of very wonderful furs, and you should all know who you are, because it was ALL of you. I will (so long as no one tells me otherwise >.>) be attending these meets much more often, as many times as i can i do believe, and it really is worth it. Im genuinely looking forward to the next one i can be present at.


And just for those who were there; My genitalia all split, and went their own ways, so if you see one, do please send on my regards and that i miss them. And that they should also tell any furs they come across, that they miss them in return.


Miss you all, stay safe and take care!

~Razzy