Keep going ---> http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4940405/ <--- You're almost there

I got this questionnaire from  hornetv2 and thought it was neat :3

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Do you love me?
5. Give me a nickname and explain why.
6. Describe me in 1 word.
7. What was your first impression of me?
8. Would you hug me?
9. What reminds you of me?
10. If you could give me anything, what would it be?
11. How well do you know me?
12. Are you gonna put this in your journal and see what I say about you?
13. Would you meet up with me?
14. Do you enjoy having me as a friend?
15. Would you spend some quality time with me?

So  daskruff is doing commissions and I'm just spreading the word. He is into music and has some really cool stuff so you should go check him out ^^

---> http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4731281/ <---

Why do people have their YIM, MSN, Skype or what ever set to online if they aren't even there? Or will talk a little bit and then just seemingly disappear without saying anything? I understand that things come up but when it happens almost every other day it gets a little ridiculous. Also for those times that people are busy but want their particular messenger on, there's something called a busy symbol and a status bar where you can type that you're busy, will be slow to respond, etc...

This may seem trivial to some but to me if you're "online" it generally means that you're there or around enough to chat, at least a little bit. Also if you don't want to talk to a particular person then tell them, don't just leave your messenger on and ignore them if they message you. If you aren't meaning to have that happen and it happens a lot a person can get the impression you have a problem with them if you don't say anything.

I'm just tired or these things happening a lot lately, I may just be putting to much effort into things but I like talking to the few people who I feel actually want to be my friend, or at least felt that way, even if I don't message people a lot. Also tired of making plans to hang out with someone if they come to town but when they get here I don't get any kind of message, even if they're hanging out with mutual friends, this also has happened multiple times and from multiple people.

I'm doing my best to handle my issues, would help if I really had people who would be there for me and understand where I'm coming from which I've explained. If you're still confused and care just ask and talk to me, be there for me when I get upset, that's all I'm asking for. I know I can be a bit much but I've most likely been there for you in times of need or have helped you in some way and I'm not asking for something extraordinary, just be there for me as I was and still will be for you. If that's too much to ask then don't bother at all, I'm fine with that.

But people won't have to put up with me for a while. My own issues are being dealt with and until that time has come I will refrain from messaging anyone, also if someone wants to talk about something I've said here please do so but in a nice way. If you try talking to me in a rude or distasteful manner you will be ignored, I'm trying to be better and make things better, not worse. If this upsets anyone for some reason I'm sorry but that's the way I feel.

If you'd like some artz,  jamesfoxbr is in need of some practice so go to this link for a chance to be drawn ---> http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4367801/ <--- :3

Alcohol awareness is very important. Many people are lost daily due to drinking alcohol and not being safe or smart about it. This subject also hits very close to home. My brother was out camping with some friends, they were drinking. My brother, for some reason, asked his "friend" to use his car and the guy actually let him take it. My brother ended up driving off a cliff, it was dark outside at the time, and died that night.

So please, if you must drink, do it responsibly so you don't hurt yourself or anyone else. Also spread this journal around from  HornetV2

---> http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/...../#cid:31877717 <---

This is a serious question and I would like a serious honest answer so please save your comments for my front page. I want to find who my real friends are and I'm also telling a lot of why I am the way I am so people have a better grasp on why I'm like this. If you have any questions please send me a note

I know I'm not the greatest friends or the best person, I don't keep in contact as well as I should and I am closed off about a bunch of things. I wish more than anything people would show they care or that I mean something to them. I talk about certain things about me being upset and almost no one replies and it makes me feel like no one even notices. I know I'm upset about a lot of things but that's because there are a lot of things that are upsetting with me, some may be trivial but those could be atoned to me misinterpreting something and someone not telling me what's really going on or what really happened. I know things should be able to be noticed but they don't get noticed all the time, I have tons of things going through my mind daily and I'm sorry if I don't pick up on every little thing. My mind gets too jumbled sometimes and I miss something or forget.

I haven't had the greatest of lives, parents fighting and divorce, getting beat up, moving every year for most of my life, getting picked on so much over the most idiotic reason that I shut down emotionally and stayed that way up until I fell off of Table Rock back where I used to live, which happened almost two years ago this Feb. I "shut down" after my fifth grade year when I cut my hair off because that's what the kids made fun of me for, because I had long hair as a boy. I had never experienced that before, everyone else I had gone to school with before moving to the horrid place didn't care about that, I had friends, places to go, clubs to participate in, I had fun. I was oblivious to the things my parents were doing, besides the fighting, I had lots of toys and happy things to keep me going but when things turned sour I started to lose everything.

Parents fighting more and more, hurting each other to the extent of hospitalization, after sometime getting divorced, that's when things started getting really bad. They fought over custody and visitation, more moving, dad remarried, parents messing with each other and causing stress and turmoil in the house. Moving, always moving, even half way across the country until all the bull crap my brother and I had been fed finally made a point and we had to live with our mom. That's when we moved to that place, where things went to far for me and after that year when I cut my hair it was like cutting my emotions away. I stopped caring about the schooling I used to enjoy, I felt like I was just eking through life and only when I was doing things I really enjoyed did you catch a glimpse of what used to be. This also stunted my social growth, having stayed inside a lot and only talking with or hanging out with a couple people didn't give me the social skills I should have learned when growing up.

After that year nothing was the same, more moving happened, more being picked on, more fighting even though it wasn't seen to the eye, people moving in and out of my life, being abandoned by people who said they were my friends, being used, treated unfairly, even getting hit by family for stupid things. By the time it was supposed to e my tenth grade year I had given up on trying to make friends, a relationship was out of the question. I had known what it felt like to have your heart hurt, back when I was still confused as I like to call it. Girls not dating me cause of what their friends said, breaking up with me over lies and not coming to talk to me about it, breaking up with me for no reason and not giving one.

It wasn't until I dropped out of school and went to Job Corps that I met someone who gave me some hope again. I just went there to get the training I wanted and get out so I didn't talk with anyone I didn't have to. But he came over and started questioning me about myself and what I liked or where I came from. By this time my view of people had been tainted too dark for all those years since I cut my hair. I became very distrusting and bitter, never truly letting anyone in, only letting them get close enough to just be considered some kind of friend but never a close one. I also didn't have very good social skills so that didn't help.

Things got a little better there but more time passed and I retreated back into my "shell" once I graduated Job Corps. Just stayed inside, playing games with the couple of friends I grew up with in the place. It wasn't until near the end of Job Corps did my attraction to guys started to really surface and after I found the fandom is when it really kicked in. I dated a couple times but never really opened up cause I didn't feel that feeling I was looking for and it caused my relationships to suffer. I still was very distrusting and was socially inept for handling those types of things. People tried to buy their way into a relationship with me, use me just for sex, or had no interest.

Then I fell off Table Rock which became what I like to call, "My Awakening". It woke me up from my emotionally cut off self and would start me on my path to finally healing. I had years of backed up emotions and feelings that I didn't know how to deal with crashing on me all at once. Some time after this I did the one thing I didn't do out of fear of being hurt, I opened up to someone with the possibility of a relationship. It was not a good time for me but I did not realize that until after I had been hurt again.

I was friends with this person before this so things seemed to be going very well. But not everything was brought up front with me and finding out things from another party kicked my paranoia into high gear. Combined with my feelings being out of control and I was spiraling down fast and though I tried my best to cooperate and keep things under control they inevitably got the best of me and things ended badly. I tried to remain friends but I must have been doing something wrong or was told a lie because things only got worse. I was trying to be a friend, as I had been told we could still be, sending messages once in a while, requesting to be friends on things, and other little things friends usually do.

Granted I could have thought better about trying to mend things but I was in no state to do that and should have realized that. But this was the first time I had ever really opened up like that and my thoughts were going crazy from all the emotions hitting me. I did have support from people, and eventually started to get better. Though my distrust and bitterness came back as I felt I was being deceived because I thought were be as friends and didn't know that was never the true intention.

I know things weren't totally everyone's fault and part of it was me but things would have been so much better if people would have been up front with me about things from the beginning. I have since found other attractions, some ending in a bad way as I've still been learning and trying to be better, and even finding the feeling I've been looking for, but my view of people and my distrust is ever present with each new discovery of what was really going on or from what I see.

I've been getting a lot better and have been taking in more of what's good and less in what's bad and have really been working on myself. Which brings me back to my original question, what do I mean to you? With these new changes I'm done with all these people who say they're my friend or something of the sort but don't very well act like it or show they care. I feel like I'm not even noticed with things, even by people who really say they're my friend, and I'm starting to feel that sense of worthlessness I felt for so many years.

I know people are busy and they don't see everything but it comes to a point when I see them talking to others shortly after I post something or try to talk. I want to know who my friends really are and if you really want to be one, if not I'm sorry but just say so and have a good life. You don't want to be my friend? Then don't say you are and not act like one. But if you do, then please show that you do, even if it's just talking to me when I'm upset, at least give me that much. I always try to be there for people when they're upset and all I'm asking is for people to do the same.

I know there are a few that have been, but if you're questioning yourself in the slightest then you're probably not one of those few and I'm sorry if that hurts you. But over all I would really like it if you just came to me about things and talk, don't take to heart of some bull crap that someone else said and give me a chance. I guess what I'm trying to say is that before you judge me, read everything I have said here and come talk to me.

Again if you wish to be my friend thank you, but if not good bye

1) Tell you something I learned about you by looking at your FA page for 13 seconds.
2) Tell you a color you remind me of.
3) Tell you my first memory of you.
4) Ask you a question.
5) Tell you something I like about you.
6) Tell you the object that is in front of me.
7) Dare you to do this yourself in your Journal

some guy told me to

Please go help even if it's only to spread the word http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4210598

As the title suggests there is a free fursuit raffle going by  Razzy_Lee and you should go check it out by going here ---> http://www.furaffinity.net/view/9602400/ <--- but remember to read the rules of the raffle so you can get your chance as well :3

Just had a good long talk with a good friend. If there's anything I wish in the world it's that people be honest. I don't know how painfully bad I could stress this enough to people. Yes it may hurt the person but if you let things drag out because you think you're being nice by not hurting their feelings then you are wrong. Not only are you hurting yourself but when the other person eventually finds out not only are they going to be hurt for hurting someone, but they're going to be hurt that they were doing it for so long and you didn't tell them to begin with. So please when I say this, being more for the locals, if I'm doing something wrong then please be honest and tell me right away.

You do not have to be a jerk about it, just bring me aside or sit me down and tell me calmly. I'm not very good at taking every hint out there, I'm no where near perfect so things are bound to happen. But if you really care and want to do it right then please please please be honest with me about it.

Now that for the end of that, I'm feeling pretty stupid and bad right now, also crying a little. But I'm sorry for the way I acted in the past and want you to know that I've been changing a lot and am no longer the same person I was when I first moved up here. Hope everyone has a good New Years

Got from  hornetv2


1) Where did you begin 2012?
Old roommates place

2) What was your status by Valentine’s Day?
Single

3) Were you in school anytime this year?
No

4) How did you earn your money?
Working at Target

5) Did you have to go to the hospital?
No

6) Did you have any encounters with the police?
Once cause of expired tags

7) Would you relive 2012 over and over again?
No

8) What did you purchase that was over $1000?
didn't

9) Did you know anybody who got married?
No

10) Did you know anybody who passed away?
Great grandma

11) Did you know anyone who had a baby?
no

12) Did you move anywhere?
Yes

13) What concerts/shows did you go to?
none

14) Are you registered to vote?
yes

15) Do you still have the same job as You did in 2012?
Yes

16) Has anyone betrayed you in 2012?
Yes

17) Where do you live now?
Eugene, OR

18) Describe your birthday?
Lot of planned things didn't happen and only a few people showed up

19) What’s one thing you thought you’d never do but did in 2012?
There are a lot of things and still going

20) What has been your favorite moment?
Spent a weekend with a good friend

21) What’s something you learned about yourself?
There are many things I have learned and still more to come

22) Any new additions to your family?
No

23) What was your best month?
Between Nov. and Dec.

24) Were you in a relationship this year?
no

25) What music will you remember 2012 by?
Gangnam Style

26) Favorite book you read?
Don't have one

27) Favorite Movie?
The Avengers

28) Favorite TV show?
Don't have one

29) New friend?
A few

30) Would you say you’ve changed since the beginning of this year?
Yes, a lot of things have changed and though it's been rough I'm glad

31) Do you think 2013 will be better or worse?
I'm hoping in light of things it will be a better year yes

I know I rant a bunch about things going on in my life with what doesn't seem to be an end I just ask that people be patient with me. I've just been through a lot of things and it's been tough for me to go through these kinds of experiences I have been these last almost two years.

With these new changes coming on I'm going to really focus on the things I have in life and what I have to be thankful for. I have supportive friends, great health, understanding and loving family, a job, getting into school, from what I've been told I have a good mind, I can do lots of things, and I know things will turn out good.

Even though things will be tough and I may lose sight of my goal sometimes I will keep pushing on and just ask that you please be patient with me and if I falter just be there for me and be supportive. So here's to looking forward to brighter and better things and I thank all who have really stuck around with me through all the bs and crap I've put you through. You know who you are and I'm glad to have you around

I was told a while ago about a transfer program for school that would let me go to Japan and help teach English there. I've always wanted to visit there and this would be a good thing for me, only thing I need to do is learn more Japanese, at least enough to teach English, and then there's a good possibility I would move there

You should go commission this guy --->  hornetv2 he has some pretty neat arts and could really use it right now. He drew this for me and I think it's awesome ---> http://www.furaffinity.net/view/8702557 <--- So you should go and get some great arts from him

I know the first thing that comes to someones mind when a person asks them if something they are doing is bothering them in some way that you don't want to hurt the other person so you don't tell them. Well you should tell them, sure it may hurt them but it's better than holding it in and letting things get worse.

By holding it in you're not only hurting yourself but eventually when the other person finds out not only is it going to hurt them but they also get to find out they were hurting you. Also if they don't know what they're doing wrong then they have the potential to hurt someone else who comes along the way.

So instead of letting things be as they are or not saying something when asked, be honest and let the person know so they can learn. People don't always know and can't read your mind when they're doing something wrong, just tell them and be there for them if they get upset and things will be much better in the long run.

It's stupid to hold it in and make things worse, you lose friends, your lose lovers, and it can take a toll on yourself. I've been through this with people many times and have hurt people because no one tells me I'm doing something wrong when I ask. I've lost people because I didn't understand why they were upset and kept getting angry or acting out and doing the wrong things trying to figure out what was wrong because someone wouldn't tell me. It's also caused me to be more cautious and worrisome around people which can make it hard to meet people or make friends.

If you've been through something like this with me, you know who you are, stop doing it and be honest when someone asks you if something they are doing is bothering you. That doesn't mean be a jerk or be too harsh, there are gentle ways to tell someone something.

Have patience with people so they can really learn the right way instead of the wrong way by hurting others.

Expect me to be quiet for a while....

I suspect people are getting tired of these kinds of journals, if you read them anyway.

How to begin I don't know but some new things have come to light with how I treat others. I've learned the closer people get to me or that I get close to, the more I act out or don't act at all in order to try and push them away. I've also learned something else but that's more on a personal level but it's relevant to my growth so I'm posting it. But I realized subconsciously I've been testing the friendships I have, pushing to see how far someone would really go when all I was doing was pushing them away. This is especially apparent to a few people out there whom I've gotten really close with.

But regardless of how close one is to me none of you deserve that and I'm sorry. I would still like your friendship and really hope, to those of you who feel so, that I haven't screwed things up too much and if I have then I hope things can be mended and we can continue being friends. I know I'm not the greatest at messaging people but I really am trying, no matter how difficult things are getting I really want to change.

I'm sorry for those I've hurt along the way and it seems like the road to finding my true self and getting better is getting more and more crazy and chaotic. For those who stick around for the ride I thank you from the bottom of my heart and to those whom I've pushed away and if you care maybe we could be friends again.

As the title says I don't know what the title should be, I need an outlet for things but I'm not really venting, I guess you could just call it me talking.

It kind of feels like I'm spiraling no where, I don't like being alone and I've never felt more so now than I have in quite some time. All the friends I talk to or actually talk back live too far away to do anything with and anyone close is always busy or seems uninterested. What I really want is some closeness with someone, even if it's just a friend, to have someone that I can have a lot of trust in and maybe cuddle once in a while. But everyone I know that I ask to cuddle doesn't want to cause they'll want sex and I don't really want to.

Yes sometimes I get weak and it happens anyway but overall I want is to cuddle and feel close to someone. Maybe that's why I push people away, cause I want it so much I push it on them without realizing. To those who actually read this and feel like I have been doing that I'm sorry, I don't mean to make you feel awkward or uncomfortable, I would like to say I can't control it or that I'm not fully aware of what I'm doing but part of me is. I guess a bigger part of me wants it so much the other part doesn't matter and I start acting out when I don't get what I'm looking for, which sounds childish.

It doesn't help that my feelings cloud my thoughts and even though I try to ignore them they still do. You can only give someone so many chances to change before it gets old or they don't seem like they're going to and you give up. I do try and change and adapt but maybe I'm trying to do too much at one time, trying to move faster than I can cause I get impatient or over react and want results right away.

I guess what I would really like now is if I have made you feel like anything I was describing please accept my apology. I don't expect you to jump right back into talking with me but just to accept my apology and if I do message you just let me know, maybe talk a little and help ease me the way I need to be going.

Yes that's right I said free partial fursuit :D

Goooo here ---> http://sfw.furaffinity.net/journal/3904405/ <---

Original Link: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3876476/

To the Fandom:

September holds the National Suicide Prevention Week, and, what shall become a Suicide Prevention/awareness week across Furaffinity, but, we need your help! As many of you know, we have lost several members even in our own fandom, those for whatever reasons, chose to take their own lives.

The goal of this meme is to spread the word, yes it happens, and yes, we can help. This isn’t a self-righteous or self-gaining meme; rather, it is somewhat of a Public Service Announcement.

Please, help this spread like wildfire, let everyone know, there ARE those in the fandom they can coincide in, who are willing to talk to them, and are willing to do our best to help. If we can save even just one, it will all be worth it.

Life has its ups and downs, it isn’t all easy, but, we have to make the most of every moment we have. There is no replacing a life thrown away.

To those who just need someone to listen, those on that edge, please, if you ever need to talk to me, if I’m on, I will do as much as I can to help. I won’t judge or yell, I only want to help. There are others who are willing to help as well.

Just know this if I am not online….

You are...

Worthy to be loved and to love others
Worthy to be cared for and to help care for others
Worthy to be nurtured and to nurture others
Worthy to be touched and supported
Worthy to be listed to and listen to others
Worthy to be recognized
Worthy to be encouraged and to encourage others
Worthy to be reinforced as “good”


No one is perfect, but, that doesn’t mean life isn’t worth living…please…just hang on…it gets better!





If anything else…please listen to

Rise Against – “Make It Stop (September's Children)”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XP4c.....Xg&ob=av2e


For other sources or help, please see

http://www.suicidology.org/web/gues.....about-aas/nspw

http://www.yellowribbon.org/

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:

1-800-273-TALK (8522)

A lot is primarily leaning to teens, but, this applies to everyone, regardless of age, gender, religion, race, sexuality, political stance, anything…. please…. each life is precious, help us support each other as a community! Please help me spread the word. I humbly thank you!

P.S. To all artist out there..I humbly ask you......please, if you have the time and care for this week, to make ONE picture, one story, one sketch, one painting, one song......that shouts out to all who see it "life is worth living" and "We will stand strong"

Thank you and bless <3

So today has been an eye opener in the form of a revelation which was helped by a good furiend. Been thinking about quite a few things that have been said to me over this past year and that, combined with experiences with different people and scenarios, have caused a revelation with myself.

Which is that I've been treated badly so much or have been through so many bad experiences that it's easier for me to deal with the bad than the good. I've noticed that the people that I really want to be around or be friends with, or for a select for a relationship, I've pushed away some how. With that I have also noticed that I try to hang out with people who don't seem to care or want to and here in lays the revelation.

I've been pushing people away who actually care because I don't fully know how to handle it and have been being down or trying to hang out with people who don't care, or seem not to care, because it's easier for me to deal with the rejection in a sense. I actually cried a little just thinking about it cause it hurt to think I could even be that way.

It's something pretty heavy to me and quite a break through, people have said things similar but it's never really hit me until now. It's going to be a long process but I will being keeping in contact more with those who really want to be my friend and have been there for me. It won't be an over night thing so please bare with me and don't expect anything too soon.

But expect a change with me in time and to hear more from me. Maybe with this I can truly open up more and not be so high strung, negative, and be able to let things go more like I would like. Here's to looking into the light ^^

And I'm older now :D This is kind of a neutral journal and you'll see why.

Today was a pretty good day as a furiend took me out to eat and along the way met up with a fairly new friend and went bowling which was really fun, also played DDR.

Tried having a party yesterday but that didn't work out as only a few people showed up and part of it was waiting for others. Didn't get to do anything I had planned but the day was not ruined as the four of us went out to eat, played DDR, and ended the day with lots of SSBB. Later another furiend was able to make it and we hung out for the night before I passed out but that was still lots of fun as we got to catch up.

Over all the two days were good but it also showed me something else. Over the past, almost month, I've been posting about my birthday (Other sites) and what I would like, trying to invite people, planning and working on things for the party for those who said they could and would come. Now I understand people have work/school and such so don't jump on me with saying that as I'm not upset about that part. The part that upsets me is that my plans were for not and some of the people that I wanted to say happy birthday or would remember about it didn't.

It's been an eye opener for me to who my true friends are and has really made me want to evaluate who are really my friends. If you get upset about this I'm sorry, that's the way I feel about it. I know I'm not the greatest at messaging people and I don't act like I am cause I'm not. But I always reply to anyone that messages me and while it may not be right away it does happen.

I'm not mad at anyone but I am a little disappointed and I'm not naming anyone in particular but I am disappointed with those people. All in all it was a good experience and I'm glad I have friends who I can count on.

GANGNAM STYLE!

Well the title is pretty self explanatory, I've been through quite a bit since my accident over a year and a half ago and I want to use some songs to describe a little of my journey.

Before I fell I was broken and closed off from the world due to past experiences. The fall woke me up and in a sense proved how big and how bright of a https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGJ.....video]firework I can be and bounce back with an iron will. I went through many things and that saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is completely true for me because the things I went through have made me https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xn6.....fLq7I]stronger.

Along the way I have met many new faces, friends, great friends, bad people, but there's always been that one person that makes me https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PP_.....pp_video]smile and I wouldn't be the same without this person. But no matter what happens to me nothing will ever take that # that will always https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Ly-qBVb2Qs]remain for those that I hold dear and who are close to me.

I still have a lot of growth left to do and even though loneliness is in my heart, there's # out there for me. When I finally am with who I'm meant to be with, it will make my journey all the sweeter and even more worth it.