It's been quite awhile since this account has seen some activity, and I doubt many watching this account are interested, but for anyone that cares to continue following me, I have a new furaffinity page where my future stories are now being uploaded. It's been active for quite awhile, but it hasn't had much going for it until recently. I'm writing again, and it's been quite fun getting back to my passion. The account is just below. Click if you are interested in reading some stories set in the post-apocalyptic setting of Soulmorne.

 Alliander

I'm curious. For anyone interested in answering, what is a personal freedom that you are unable to partake in on a daily basis. Honestly, I didn't realize one until this morning on my day off from work. It could literally be anything.

Personally, I realized today that something I'm not able to do every day because of professional obligations is letting my hair free.

I keep my hair long. If I tilt my head back even slightly, I can feel the longer strands on my lower back. It may not seem like a big deal, but when you work as much as I do, and have to keep hair that long tied up and tucked away in a STUPID FUCKIN' HAT then you tend to notice when you can untie it and let it flow free.

I don't know why I feel the need to post this journal. I talk far too often of The Darkness that eats away at me. Far, far too often. Yet, I feel the need to write this, despite the fact that I can calculate that I will receive zero feedback on this entry.

When one feels a force coming within oneself so strongly that they have difficulty distinguishing themselves from their pure emotions and their conscious thoughts that they must transcribe whatever storm of words presiding within them at the moment as opposed to simply remaining silent, what choice do they have?

In short, I am beyond furious. The anger, hatred, and absolute DISTASTE that I feel is so powerful that I considered multiple times the merit of extinguishing another human life over simply taking lumps and moving on. I could have either beaten the literal life out of a human being with my bare hands, or walked away and slept, and wake the next day to repeat the process over again.

The question is; if I allow the process to continue, even with the substraction of my life ending anger, is it worth continuing the equation?

Is it not more expediant to end the cycle, albeit with my "life" in the hands of another authority? Or is it more productive to simply hold my anger hostage until it subsides, and allow a completely different machine to decide whether or not it is more cost effective for one cog in their grand machine to overtake another, whether it be through legitimate means or illegitimate.

Because I can assure you, the place I am employed at does not regard human life in romanticized terms. Human life translates into a singular thing, and that is the American dollar.

The quality of life is not a phrase they are familiar with. It sounds cliche, but all they care about is money. The bottom line is simply money. Not whether or not the cog in the machine is having fun, or living a good life.

So, is my restraint admirable, or simply submission?

For anyone who does not know me well the fact that I am a massive Metroid fan would probably go unnoticed. Honestly, the topic probably comes up far too often in conversation. But, here we are; on the precipice of the 30th anniversary of the release of Metroid, and the future appears... Bleak.

For years, fans have endured few and far between releases. And as the years have worn on, Metroid has been the lesser to more popular Nintendo titles. You fans know who you are. Mario, Zelda. Nintendo has been so focused on releasing new iterations and rehashes of these games, that Metroid is left with rereleases of old titles, and new titles so far between each other that fans have had time to earn their medical degrees before playing a new Metroid game.

I wont pretend I was there for the beginning. I first heard of Metroid as a child, seeing a commercial on TV for 2004's Zero Mission. The first Metroid game I played was Metroid Fusion, and from there I was not only hooked; I was a die hard fan. I was absolutely ravenous for more Metroid, and the more I could find the more I wanted. Luckily, there was much available. But once I had played and replayed all that was out, all that was left was to geek out over news stories of upcoming Metroid games.

But now, with the 30th anniversary of Metroid upcoming, and the only game on the horizon being Metroid Prime: Federation Force, I feel lost.

I love the Metroid series, I feel a sense of reverance to it's innovations, and yet...

I feel that perhaps, the Nintendo series Metroid is no longer in the proper hands.

Is it wrong to feel that the company that conceived, carried, and birthed the series of Metroid to not be a capable parent? That Nintendo no longer knows what is right for the Metroid series? Or do I not have enough faith for the company that brought me so mich joy for so many years?

I do not know yet.

Only time will tell.

My name is Alliander. Alliander Black, if you need the details. My name is given, though the account I am tied to is named Xenex. Xenex is more of a title generated from an old unpublished story I wrote, but Alliander is my name.

But, recently, through exploration and self relfection, I have found another name. In my previous introspective journals, one may have noticed a darker aspect of my personality. One that whispers and screams through moments of weakness, anger, and vulnerability. An aspect I had previously given the moniker of "my darkness."

It seems so foolish, maybe uneducated to give one's aspect of personality such a generic and obvious name. It's a deep seeted, and ravenous quality, one that is far too prominant to ignore, or brush off with such elementary terms. And unfortunately, or fortunately it has "grown" in its prominence, and it has revealed to me its desires.

A name.

Ash.

A name befitting its host; a darkness no longer feared by the one bearing it, and a force living beside the wishes and dreams of hope and peace.

All people live in dichotomy and split desires, and perhaps this revelation is simply my way of becoming more... Human? More of a person? I don't really know.

All I know, is that I no longer cower in fear of the dark potential of myself, and that may be a highly negative thing.

Acceptance of one's innate "evil" is... A touchy subject. One that I am still wrestling with. Either way, I am now the owner of two names.

Alliander Black, the hope that all struggles end in the brighter future.

Ash Black, pure desire, the Id, the ravenous hunger for the world; the absolute need of expression.

There have been many celebrity deaths in the past few weeks. A lot of them cut deep, both in the mainstream and furry culture. Some go unnoticed, and some cut all of us.

It goes wihout saying that the loss of Alan Rickman has made a great ravine in the world of art. And I personally have been wrestling with how to properly deal with such a loss. Hell, I didn't even know Alan Rickman had died until a few days after his death. It shocked, and it cut deep.

I am sad for the loss, in innumerable ways. It might sound cheap and easy to say that I grew up knowing the actor for his roll in Harry Potter, but that is how I was introduced. And seeing such a wonderful, and absolutely spot on performance of such a complex character kept me hooked, and allowed me to know the actor and the person as a whole.

We haven't just lost a Snape, or an actor, or an Alan Rickman. The world has lost a wonderful, warm person.

Covered, and lost; as I could be

Lost and covered, as I am

Lost, I am

But to who?

The only bad thing about spending time with your family on Thanksgiving is having to say goodbye to them at the end of the day. At least, when your family is as awesome as mine.

After a little socializing with some family members I haven't seen for years, a good number of us gorged on chili, tamales, turkey, and all sorts of traditional thanksgiving sides, and after that, I played volleyball with a few cousins and aunts and uncles for hours, until it was dark; taking a break or two for some more food and some tylenol.

Unfortunately, we couldn't finish a game of cranium, but there's always next year.

Never forget what's important to you when this holiday comes around. I'm luckily to have such a large extended family, but a lot of them wont be around forever. We've lost many, but that hasn't stopped us from getting together to have fun and remember why we love each other so much. It's so cliche, but it's an inquantifiably immense treasure that needs to be protected. Always keep your loved ones close.

I was asked recently where my hatred is directed. It's not at many. I hate very few. And I see my own hatred as a limitation.

These few things that I hate hold power over me because I cannot help but feel a sudden negativity toward these people, some of whom I have yet to even meet.

I will not name them. Some I wont name because you will not even know who they are. Some I wont name because I do not want to glorify their exploits. Whether it is to lead likeminded individuals to their cause, or to lead individuals of my thinking against theirs. I do not wish to breed hatred for hatred's sake.

It is not healthy, and it is not just.

But it is inhuman for me to say that I do not hate. And it is inhuman for me to not express that hatred. Perhaps I will express this hatred in a story, or perhaps this hatred will sit here. The future will determine that.

After much outlining and theoretical planning, I have begun working on my interactive story project. Currently, the introduction has been drafted, and I am in need of proofreaders. I need one or two people to go through the short introduction (3 pages, 945 words) and give me some feedback.

For the sake of clarity, I'm not looking for someone to gloss over it and say "It's good."

I need proofreaders who will give some serious critiques, that way I can improve it for the eventual release.

Any of my fellow feline furs feel the way I do whenever I clip my nails? Normally I let them grow out to a pretty decent length, but eventually when they start fraying and chipping and snagging on fabric I have to clip them off and start the process all over. And it feels weird every time, like I'm temporarily declawing myself, and I don't feel right until they get to a reasonable length again.

Anyone else get this?

"A building gets torched. All that is left is ashes. I use to think that was true about everything. Families, friends, feelings. But now I know, sometimes, if love proves real, two people, who are meant to be together; nothing can keep them apart."
-"Sarah": The Crow

I think it has finally reached a breaking point for me, and I simply cannot keep from expressing myself.

A much celebrated and historic event has recently taken place here in the United States. The government can no longer presume control on who has the right to marry who, and a group of people who have been persecuted for centuries have been given a civil right that most take for granted. It is a wonderful victory for anyone who holds this country's Constitution and human rights in high regard.

Yes, there has been some downsides. I have heard stories about churches being sued for not hosting homosexual weddings, or small businesses being torn to pieces by a public outcry claiming that their practices are homophobic.

This is America. And in America we have the freedom to practice our various religions. And we have a right to own and operate family businesses as we see fit. If your religion dictates that you cannot host a gay couple's wedding in your church, then go ahead believing that. It is your right as an American citizen.

It is unfair for these groups to be singled out by these few people that wish to evoke public outcry for whatever reason they are doing it. I will always stand by a person's right to live their life as they see fit, as long as they do not encroach on another person's right to live their life.

But what I cannot tolerate, is this movement I see brewing up. This disgusting and bigoted movement to repeal these recent passings. I've seen their propaganda and heard their thinly veiled words, and it makes me sick to my stomach. Even more so, it makes me angry. All I hear are the same arguments and tired speeches that have been used for over a millennia to persecute and destroy what we have worked toward as a society.

I have gay cousins, gay and bisexual friends, and to see this backlash at a victory that finally gave them the right to be acknowledged as human citizens of this country, to see people taking these events that give them the same rights as myself and turn them into a negative, it hits me in such a personal place that I want to hit back.

IT MAKES ME SICK, TO SEE THESE PEOPLE TRY TO TAKE AWAY THE FREEDOMS THAT WERE FOUGHT FOR, TO TRY AND MAKE MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS LESS THAN HUMAN.

My untitled project is still in the works. I still work on it constantly, but there is another idea that I desperately want to play with. My start in fiction began with horror, all the way back to second grade, and now I have an idea that will return to my roots. I want to begin a massive project; a "choose your own adventure" horror story that will incorporate all of my experience with the horror genre. And when I say "choose your own adventure," I don't mean a story with multiple choices that end in "You picked up the mysterious ring, and it kills you," I want to make a true choose your own adventure story that allows you to choose how you move through a plot to completion, with multiple endings. This is something I truly want to begin, but I cannot begin it knowing that my current untitled project would be pushed to the side with the readers of that story wanting more.

This is a story that I will write, either now or after my current project is finished, but my decision to begin writing such an ambitious project hinges on my readers. So the question to my readers is, would you prefer that I complete my current project (or at the very least release what i have been working on) or will you give me the grace to begin work on a massive choose your own adventure horror story that I will only release when a significant amount of it is done, and it is coherent enough to read through with a large amount of choices available to the reader?

I value the readers who give me the chance to release my creative work to the public, but horror is my true passion, and I am ecstatic at the opportunity to return to my roots.

Please let me know your thoughts.

Today, a human being made physical contact with me directly for the first time in nearly or over a month. The only other contact being with my baby sister, and only when I need to pick her up to keep her from accidentally strangling a Chihuahua puppy.

The only other adult to touch me willingly is some chick from a burger king drive through. My left hand, being the only thing to make contact with a living thing that I wasn't directly stopping from killing another breathing thing.

Not to be mistaken from the other, many transactions that required me to hand over a card, or paper money to another human hand. During those transactions, I never felt contact with living flesh. It was always through a layer of plastic or paper, or both.

During this transaction, human finger tips made contact directly to my left hand, as if to steady the handling of legal tender from one hand, to another. I felt flesh upon my left hand, flesh period upon my being for the first time since I could think of...

And during the time it happened, to now, I continue to contemplate it.

It feels horribly conceited to even mention it, but I have been alerted on multiple occasions that people have "flirted" with me.

And I am caught in some strange contemplation of whether the contact I felt was out of attraction or simply a fluke of one human touching another.

Then I remember what I am, and what I have been all my life.

Then I am disgusted, that the idea one could be attracted to me ever existed...

Through all iterations of who I am, I have to know...

The one constant...

Hey everyone. The Alley Cat has twitch now. I'll be streaming my gameplay whenever I'm online. Expect a lot of Destiny for now, but as I add more games to my library, I'll mix it up. I'll let you know through the title of the broadcast what will probably be going on in the stream. As of the posting of this journal, I am grinding through the strike playlists to make some marks to complete my titan's legendary armor set.

If you're interested, you can search twitch for Teh_ali_cat and join my stream. If that's not your thing, then you can expect a new chapter of my current project to be uploaded soon.

Edit: Completely forgot to link to twitch's website.

http://www.twitch.tv

While playing Destiny with my cousin, the topic of the new Terminator movie trailer came up, and before I could get too deep into my concerns, he simply says "It's the new Terminator movie, you're going to go see it. It's like the next Star Wars movie, you have to see it, even if it sucks."

The fact is, I want to support the art that I love, and I just have to pray that the people handling it know what they're doing, and respect the investment I will be giving them.

I just saw the trailer for the new Terminator movie. And while the past two movies have disappointed me, I have to say, I still want to see this movie.

There are plenty of sequels and obvious money grubbing exploits that I have avoided spending money on for the past five years; the most recent terminator release being one of them. But this next Terminator release is drawing me in, and I'm afraid they're capitalizing on my love for Terminator 2.

The first Terminator was an awesome action movie that can get the testosterone pumping, but the second was something else entirely. It was an exploration of the human condition. The limits a person would be willing to push for survival, for the preservation of lineage, of the suppression of genetic death. It told the story of a soul forming in the most unlikely of places, and watching as it decided its existence was of too much danger to that of which its sole purpose was to protect. Terminator 2 ranks in my top 5 favorite movies, and I'm afraid that my love for it is going to be exploited in this new sequel.

The relationship that was formed between the young John Connor and the reprogrammed Terminator would not only secure his survival in the future, but also teach him the resolve necessary for leadership. It was the absolute most important role a character could play in such a story. And yet, in this new Terminator, I see the elements of that amazingly done character role redone and refitted for a different character. And despite the excitement of seeing a potentially better movie than Terminator 3, or Terminator Salvation, I still feel the apprehension of contributing to the trend of such blatant money grubbing movie releases. I'm afraid to invest my movie going dollars to this production, despite the fact that it interests me for the first time in five years of movie trailers.

TLDR at the bottom.

No, this isn't a series of journals. I just thought the details of this enconter we're kind of weird and interesting. And they had part in the desire for me to write that previous journal.

I drove my Comet past the Ammunation next to Simeon's depot, west bound, and crashed into a building, attempting to lead someone chasing me into a fire fight.

He was a Rank 209, or something in the 200 rank. I figured he would use a rocket launcher on me, so after dying by it following a brief exchange of bullets, I took the low ground on respawn in order to open fire on him with either an automautic or my sticky bombs that I had placed. He escaped both, and hit me on the second round of his RPG.

I respawned and immediately escaped his area of fire, attempting to take him out from range. He managed to retreat to a safe distance from me. I moved closer, attemtping to get to the ammunation in order to buy more rounds for my grenade launcher, and simultaneously draw my Comet to a more accesible area.

I turned on Passive mode. This had been my 5th hostile encounter in the fifth lobby I had gone to. And right after a job that had depleted a good portion of my ammo. My explosives depleted, a spare 8 grenades in my stock, but shit tons of bullets (not a single category under 9,000 rounds). So i walked forward, double birds held up proudly, saying that I honestly give up and do not wish to interact with a hunter any further.

What sport is there preying upon a target that has given up the chase and surrendered?

He tried to run me over in the middle of an intersection. And not even sportingly. He was trying to run me over as slowly as he possibly could, and I tried my best to dodge him, unable to use the dodge move without access to my weapon, but he had decided to end my life despite the fact that I could not actively fight back.

So in my head, I said "Fuck you. If you're going to be like that, then I'm going to fight to the death anyway."

So after quickly disabling passive mode, and trying to survive the next ten seconds in order to pull out my rifle and kill him, I dodged one of his stupidly small charges, pulled out my rifle, and was killed by a submachine gun after only landing a few hits.

After respawning, I began walking to the ammunation, trying to be as passive as possible, but rifle still in hand. He opened fire on me, so I returned it, taking cover behind some cheap masonry and landscaping. He didn't relent weapon's fire, advancing on me, forcing me to move to more exposed area, and gunned me down before I could kill him, but not before I managed to at least take down his health a bit, and a round managed to land firmly on the forehead of his bulletproof helmet.

If only I could have hit him in his right eye, I could have lived.

On respawn, I stole a Tornado with my shotgun, then sped across the highhway roads and dirt hills to the Ammunation. After running in, I maxed out my bulletproof vests and explosives. The moment I exited out of the menu, the clerk pulled out an assault rifle and began firing at someone behind me, and almost immediately bullets were flying in my general direction, immediately depleting my armor, and taking off a pixel of my health. I ran toward the shooting range, throwing a sticky onto the threshold and restoring my armor.

The clerk having died already, and rockets now exploding into the store, I waited until the very moment that he tried to get closer so I could either blow him up, or shoot him in face. I don't know why, but the very obviously placed explosive didn't stop him from trying to kill me, so, I managed destroy him with C4. I left, attempting to run to my Comet in order to speed to my apartment on Integrity. He spawned a couple hundred yards in front of me, so I pulled to a stop and brought my sniper rifle out. He was out in the open, so I pulled out my assault rifle and shot him in the bulletproof helmet clad head until he died, dodging his return fire with rolls to the right. Having now killed him twice, my demon felt sated enough for me return to my garage for a quick repair and a trip to Lester's Warhehouse to start a mission.

I was just baffled by this person who was trying so hard, and yet so nonchalantly to kill me, and in the end, he was so arrogant that he died twice continuing to persue me in such a rude and insulting manner that I had to walk away with at least a little of my dignity. He didn't deserve my further attention.

And upon returning to my apartment, I remembered the reason why I was going to the ammunation before I got chased. I had recently reached rank 90, and was on my way to buy the Heavy Sniper that I had unlocked.

TLDR:
Some rude idiot wouldn't stop harshing me on GTA Online. He killed me 4 times. I killed him two times in return.
The end.

I've found a glaring problem in GTA Online. The fact that defending yourself against overly hostile players and trolls makes the game register you as an aggressive player, and sorts you into lobbies filled to the brim with psychopaths and trolls.

I can't start one game without being blown up or shot to death the moment I step out of my apartment, or stroll into a store without bullets flying through the door.

And starting the game in passive mode is no fun, so all I'm left to do is fire back at the people trying to kill me, and try to find an area on the map where I can safely start a job without getting sniped.

Either I'm being sorted into lobbies with overly hostile players, or all people who play GTA Online are dickheads. I guess only time will tell.

I guess the one benefit is that I'm getting better at setting traps and scoring headshots from long distances.

I faced a darkness, long ago. It almost consumed me. But I found a light. And after, I found an even brighter light. One I never expected to see.

Now all I know is see is darkness. My light has left me, and what I am left with is the abyssal eternity that is the darkness.

I no longer know what to do.

I am alone.

I am alone...

I killed two spiders a few days ago. One potentially threatened the life of my baby girl.

The other simply scared me. It jumped out at me from behind a toilet. At my weakest, many could exclaim. But, rather than taking a piece of paper and pinching it to death, or simply stepping on it, I doused it with enough neurotoxin to potentially kill and/or hospitalize a human being. I know this, because in the enclosed space I managed to ingest a good amount of said neurotoxin and extend my sickness a day or so more.

The one that potentially harmed my baby was squashed personally by me, and scraped into oblivion on concrete. The one I defeated cowardly remains in body next to my toilet. Over the past few days, I have been watching his body decay from a dirt brown to a muddled black. Rather than simply cleaning his corpse, I decided to watch as he decays. I truly do not know why.

All I know, is that the feelings rising from deep within me haven't been felt since my darkest and most naïve teenage years.

I feel destructive, and angry.

And I don't know where it should be directed.

And I don't know how much longer I can restrain it.

My apologies for the delay in the next part. In conjunction with a terrible sickness, and a personal crisis of second part has been delayed. BUT, far from forgotten.

I came to a point while writing the story that I felt I was losing my direction. But tonight, while brainstorming, I think I found the path I wished to walk upon. I didn't want to release a rough draft, and felt that the sensitive material covered in the next part required the utmost of attention and deliberation. After a few re-writes and drafting, the next part will be ready for release.

To any of those that follow my writing, I am proud to say that the next part of my most recent project is coming very soon. I'm pounding away at my keyboard and it'll be ready within the next couple days. I am extremely excited about this project, and I feel that it will exercise not only my previously developed literary skills, but also help me develop new ones. I am in love with this story, and desperately want to get it out of my head properly, so get ready for a stream of uploads for just this project.

For the subscribers and viewers of Furward Command, I Alliander the Alley Cat, would like to apologize for the recent lack of uploads to the channel. Due to issues in my personal life I have been unable to upload new videos to youtube. Rest assured, there are plenty of videos to come, and we don't plan to stop uploading any time soon.

Within the next few days, more content will arrive, and a more regular schedule will be enforced. I regret not being able to continue the daily uploads Furward Command has been giving to our subscribers, but being the sole person to edit and upload to the channel, I have unfortunately been preoccupied with job searching and medical issues. However, I owe it to our subscribers to continue providing the content they come to us for, and I have a debt to pay.

We assure you, more content is on the way. We do not plan on closing shop for the foreseeable future.

If you haven't subscribed yet, check out our channel and view our current library. Drop a comment, like, subscribe, tell your friends. We love your feedback, and are always looking for ways to improve your viewing experience.

https://m.youtube.com/channel/UC1o7.....e7wdtoTZpvpd3w