Healing isn't always easy. We are always more tough on ourselves than we are on others when it comes to learning how to heal from trauma or from a bad experience in life that shapes us to who we are.

Lately I've been seeing myself as my worst enemy. I dont like who I've become sometimes. And sometimes I see the bad sides of myself more than the good. My next steps mean deconstructing myself a little and actually evaluating myself.

But...I shouldnt discount the good there is in me either. I dont have to let go of all I am. I just need to seriously ask myself...who I am, what I want to be, and what version of me is going to be the one that I want to be the me that I can live with? I cant wish away the demons or make myself my ideal version in a snap of a finger. It will take time. It will take patience...and it will take a lot of strength to see the change I wish to see through.

I may slip up sometimes, but I know I can do this. The past may have shaped me, but I wont let it haunt me anymore. It happened. I learned. I grew. And I will do so again. Time to move on to tomorrow, one step at a time.

And I'll do it all, trying to remember...no matter what happens, I know Im doing my best. And that is enough.

I feel...so much anger inside me. A lot has lead to this and I just cant take it anymore. It feels like a poison in my body that is eating me up. I want to get rid of it but at the same time...all the anger makes me feel helpless...unheard and alone...all in my head...but the feelings are still real...it makes me feel trapped and ultimately, sick and empty...and I hate it most of all.

"No cries for help, you will look weak and desperate."
"Stop before people think your weird and unapproachable."
"You don't have real issues, your just angry at life and lashing out like a child."
"Don't bother anyone. Let it sit and do nothing, lest you ruin their day with your problems."
"Just suffer in silence. Its not like you matter to anyone really."

Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over, on a loop that never seems to end.

But.
I'm not weak. I just...need help sometimes.
I'm not Desperate. I just want to know...if someone cares.
I'm not weird. I just need a safe place to vent...please.
I have issues, just like everyone else. Mine aren't any less important...right?
I don't want to bother anyone...but I don't want to be silent.

So...I'll keep looking. Looking for the answers to let go of my anger. If I still have to do it alone...well, whats a little longer being the lone wolf?
But this will all be the past someday. There is still always hope. Always.
Until then, face the Anger, the Negativity, the Darkness inside. I and anyone else going through the same thing will be glad when you reach the light at the end of the tunnel.

I am always growing, I'm always going to have ups and downs.
I refuse to give up and I will move onwards.
My journey isn't over. In fact, I think it is now truly beginning.
What it may bring, I don't know. Does it scare me? ...Yes.
But I'll fight on. I'll keep my fire alive. I have changed, but that wont stop me.

To anyone else who may be lost, you will be found.
Please dont give up. You can keep going too.
You can be sad. You can be angry. But do not drown in those emotions.
And always remember... Even if the darkness may offer you a solitary comfort, Life and the light will always welcome you back when you are ready.

And now, onwards, towards the future we strive for.

I havent written anything on this website since I moved accounts...but here it goes despite my better judgement.

I've been numb for a long time now. There is so much negativity and bad things happening around me in both the state of the world and my own personal life to the point where its hard for me to find hope in anything. Even if I have those I can call friends around me and being a good source of positivity, for some reason I cant feel...anything other than sadness and grief. I've been suffering from serious depression and have been trying to seek help but there are days where I cant even feel like doing anything and all and just stare into space. Its numbing and paralyzing me both physically and emotionally.

I dont believe in suicide so I never will have any intentions of cutting my life short, but there have been a lot of days lately where I feel dead and definitely seem dead to the world, hated by life itself... Its sad that my thought process has gotten to this point where I feel like I've lost all hope but this is where I am right now. Living as a husk of my former-self, wandering aimlessly with no plan, no guidance, clinging to what little light of hope I have left inside me for things to get better.

I know there is still hope out there, that there is positivity within all the negativity around me. Its just been hard to find it lately and I dont know where or how to look for it anymore. And ultimately, this is something I need to fix myself. I need to make the change, make the next step. The numbness just needs to be removed. I'll find out how someday soon I hope...