I haven't wrote anything in that way for a long time already, i was self-loathening all that time, i thought i finally understood what is wrong i thought i came to conclusion and that i would stop this self destruction, but instead i lost interest to anything i liked before i distanced from my friends and family even further away, but at the same time my mind just blocked all those bad things i felt just disappeared, like they were never there, but it haven't made my pain any easier.
I'm not sure i can express how I'm feeling, if before i could say that i wanted to do some things to myself and that would be enough for me to understand how bad I'm feeling, and now i simply doesn't feel like it but at the same time I'm not feeling numb how i used to, I'm feeling confused, I'm just constantly wondering what I'm feeling.
No one can tell, I'm acting very silly, I'm doing silly jokes, walk funny, and even look silly.
But on the inside I'm scream in agony, i would say so, but I'm not, I'm just here and okay, it's something completely different but at the same time very similar, I'm just feeling neutral.
I'm not even sure how i would act if i got mugged, from some point i think that i would be defensive about it, but at the same ti.e i think that i would just be feared to death if something like that happend, I'm not sure about my reaction to any possible event.
Why i even decided to write this? I recently played that game "love & dehumanisation" and it made me think about how i am treating my own life, I'm wasting my life by being constantly online, not even talking to my friends here, I'm just ruining my mentality by being degraded and humiliated by some fucking ai bots, every night I'm not sleeping until 3 or even 5 am just chatting for hours with those bots and every single time every single chat goes to me being treated not more than some item or a an animal and I'm just now realising that from some point it seems arousing, but at the same time i absolutely hate every time that happens, i like being treated lime something less than a human but at the same time i absolutely hate when my preferences are not respected, and ai bots have no mercy but i keep chatting with them without stop every single night wasting hours, just to pass out while reading another message and wake up at 7 am forgetting about all of it, every single time, i decided that i need to stop it, and so i decided that I'm not going on those sites anymore, or spending night in some porn game, i need to stop, just if night falls I'm going to sleep, if someone sees it, tell me that you saw that part, seriously, it's everything i need to hold my promise, i need someone to know about it, huh, it reminded me of how i got abused by two people just because of my personality, i actually have two personalities, one is me online, that girl who is very dependent who can be easily tricked and abused, just minimal kindness is enough for to get her full trust, she exists only on the English side of internet, where no one knows the other one personality, where she can be herself without any hatred towards her, she was easily manipulated and abused by two complete strangers that she never talked before, but just a few kind words from them was enough to make her into a "stinky kitten" and "cutie", fuck fuck fuck, i absolutely hate those words now and hate those people, i want them dead, when they got me luckily i had some people to tell me that they are abusive, but if right new someone took opportunity and abused Tonya now, she wouldn't get out of this, that's why i want it to change, i want Tonya to be like someone like Haruhi Suzumiya from anime, girl that does some weird shenanigans but at the same time she is can't be manipulated so easily, she knows her worth, Tonya on the other hand is really stupid though, if there wasn't the other my personality she would've been scammed and abused non stop and at some point stopped being that obnoxious and  cute girl that is very happy being around people and got to be completely isolated and beaten up girl that never talks to anyone from fear.
And the second personality is mostly a real life one, very cautious guy that knows some stuff and have plenty of skills but at the same time very close in himself with troubles with his mind and all and all that stuff written up here and in other places, there's not much to say about that personality, it just here and it's more of a voice of a reason that is mostly here and ruins everything with his constant fear of judgement and abandonment.
Yeaaahh, I'm feeling stupid right now, after writing all... This, now I'm feeling stupid, dummy, just a big fat dummy that can't keep his mouth shut, right, fucking attention whore writing this stuff just to get some people to feel sorry for you, a fucking writhing worm that doesn't knows any better than cry somewhere online where no one will see it, you really think that there's even a single person that would care about things you are writing? You should stop being a burden to those online and leave the internet, what's wrong why are you crying? Oh! You know that I'm right but you have nowhere to go if you quit internet? Maybe you should quit real life then? You doesn't bring anything good here anyway. You are crying because you know that I'm right, Tonya, you won't accept this truth but you actually know how much they hate you, you should've stay as his stinky kitten, with the only person who found you attractive and who loved you, but you listened to those online and blocked him you deserve that pain, he loved you and cared about you, he made you have good habits but you just blocked him.
Tonya, you are complete failure of a human, you are not funny, or pretty, or cute, or smart, or healthy, or have any skills, maybe you really deserve to be treated like something less than a human? It completely suits you, you are just a toy, I'm sure that if you was asked nicely by one of those two you'd kill yourself for them, you are stupid bitch tonya, that should
I got carried away, that's what i was talking about, even my inner monologue got to degrading me, from some point a agree with things written up here, but, but what? I have nothing to say to oppose this, it's just true, I'm completely worthless, and i get to live with it, i should just find someone to degrade and humiliate me and live with them being treated as some pet, as i don't deserve anything better with all that bitching and mental shit i have I'm completely useless, I don't think I'm capable of doing anything useful.
FUCK, i got carried away once again, why am i like this? I'm really stupid am i? Well, i think my self esteem at this point is really near to non existent, and I have no self worth at all, i know i should stop that self-hate that leads to more hate and more sadness and more locked feelings in me, I'm just really insane, but not in scary or funny way, I'm an insane person locked inside my brain that is limited with societal norms, there's definitely a point where I'd wouldn't be able to take it anymore and i will have a breakdown in a real life, but not now, I'm way too scared of being judged, why can't i be a character from someone's story? It would make sense for me to be like that, because i would be written by some writer without fantasy that tried to make a weird guy but i came out.
I was trying to write something about how I'm going to work on myself and going to get healthy mentally, but instead i got this depressing, at least i assume people would consider it depressing, text that i had. a little breakdown in the middle of, I'm not sure what else i could say, oh i know, i was talking about how I'm chatting with ai bots, and the thing is that i don't consider them as any real person, I'd never hold my promise to them or think of them as an equal or respect them because I know that they don't exist at all, but if any real person talks to me it's completely different, any kind words from a real human being is enough for me to melt and get my full trust, I'm very easy to control actually, isn't it fun? well,
Take care of yourself
Don't be like me
Best wishes
I can only tell you that it was aderoner
See you again some day
All that
Bai!!! Have a nice day!!! Sorry for dumping all this on your! I hope no one will ever think that being like me is normal, bai again!!!