i've been inactive lately and i've been... too intimidated to make a journal post about it but it's about time i get over it. sorry for the radio silence but hey! here's whats up.

i've fallen off the face of the earth because i'm tired of being sick and being a victim of assault and almost dying. i'm also tired of the people i care for being sick and being victims of assault and almost dying. thankfully, everyone's managed to survive with little more than hospital bills and emotional scars. and most importantly, everyone is in a safe position right now. but at this point, life kind of feels like scrounging what little joy i can between each inevitable horrible event in my life.

it's just become increasingly harder to feel like anything i have to create or say or think matters. i'm reminded on a daily basis that things like my life and wellbeing can be taken away from me so suddenly without my consent... both by my own piss-poor health and by the people in my life who can(could?) pretty much destroy me without consequence.

i dunno. i'm trying to make things better for myself despite how bullshit it feels. i'm forcing myself to eat and i'm forcing myself to build up muscle to combat the sheer amount of body mass i'm continuing to lose. i've been continuing to take my medicine and see my doctors and do what needs to be done. i'm cutting out the people in my life who ultimately don't care whether they hurt me or not. and it's helped. the chest pains are going down. i'm no longer vomiting on a daily or even weekly basis. i'm starting to feel better.

long story short: i'm sorry for being inactive. it's because my creative ability has been smothered by a thick layer of violence and of apathy towards my emotional & physical well being. B'^)