I've had this on my mind today and I just can't shake it. I feel the need to put it somewhere semi-anonymous. Over the years I've been in both good and bad churches. And I won't say they were inherently BAD so much as misguided or had skewed priorities. One I have in mind specifically was very damaging with very good intentions. I think youth leaders need to really think before they speak. Teenagers listen to a lot more than people realize, but are not equipped to process it logically. Exceptions and grey areas can be difficult to navigate when not directly addressed. The church I was in when I was fifteen had separate meetings for boys and girls, which is cool, at that age they're dealing with very different issues and so dividing the group makes sense. I don't know what they talked about in the boys' group, but the girls' group boiled down to the same damn thing every week. "Save yourself for marriage. Virginity is priority. Masturbation is cheating on God with yourself. These are the terrible things that happened to me because I had unmarried sex around your age." She even went so far as to tell a story of how this boy she really really wanted to date said he could never marry a girl who wasn't a virgin, and that that was so heartbreaking and if only she had saved herself she could have been with him. Not, "Wow what an unforgiving asshole, nobody's perfect." but rather "woe is me it's all my fault he'll never love me." Was the message she was trying to get across. Save yourself for marriage and these terrible things will never happen to you! Encouraging abstinence is a noble goal, for sure. STDs and pregnancies are something you generally want to keep teenagers away from so they can finish school and be healthy productive members of society. However, I think youth leaders tend to overlook a certain issue that is far more prevalent than anyone really knows, and by avoiding or forgetting about this topic, they can do a lot of damage on a kid's psyche. The value of virginity was placed so high above everything else that when I was raped (during one of those meetings, and by the boy who introduced me to that church) I was driven to the logical conclusion that that meant I had to marry my rapist. I was ashamed, I never told my parents. It wasn't until years later that I finally told my mom what happened. And dad never did know. So I continued to date him, continued to endure the abuse, was raped at least twice more though honestly I can't really remember now exactly how many times, it's been nine years. I had a miscarriage because he beat me. And he knew he could control me and hang onto me as long as he wanted. He could do whatever he wanted because I wasn't going anywhere. I was tormented for months. I still think about that time on almost a daily basis, and I consider myself mostly over it! It wasn't until a very good friend of mine pulled me away and told me "you don't deserve this. You CAN walk away. You SHOULD walk away" that I was able to force myself to escape. If not for that conversation and his persistence in talking me out of this situation I probably would be dead by now. And I still dealt for years with guilt over not being a virgin. As if it was my fucking fault that bastard did what he did. Hell, even the friend who talked me into leaving the guy asked "Why didn't you just kick him in the balls?" I felt I had to apologize to each boyfriend afterward because I was not a virgin. At fifteen and sixteen years old I was researching vaginoplasty and hymen replacement surgery. I think the possibility of rape and abuse is not a topic that ever should be skimmed over. If you're going to discuss abstinence or sex in a youth group or teaching setting, you have to discuss rape. Don't leave it up to a fifteen year old to try to interpret whether what you're saying applies in her specific situation or not. It can be damaging, detrimental or maybe even deadly. I'm still dealing with depression, anxiety, and various other issues, especially with trust and with my body image. These things have lifelong effects. And yeah, believe it or not, teenagers actually listen. They just don't necessarily hear it the way you expect them to. So be careful and be thorough.