I've actually lurked around the furry communities for 10 years, despite the fact that my FA account was made only a few years back. Crazy how after all these years, I finally decide to write my first journal, right? Years of hesitation (and venting out on BlueSky) was what kept me from making one until now. So why make one now, you stupid donut?

Old, Lingering Thoughts
It's been almost a decade since I started lurking within the communities and a few years later, I'd find myself finally actively talking with my first friends in the niche communities I would eventually call my second home. But time marches on and things have changed dramatically in the years I've been here. Essentially, everything has changed around me. From the places I felt comfortable in to the people I knew, it's all changed, for better or worse. Everything except me and the things I wish would change. Don't get me wrong; I've changed a lot within the decade, but there are some things that have not (and should not) change about me.

Wear and Tear on Novel Ideas and Thoughts
Being the ever self-conscious individual I am and crippled by a perfectionist mindset, I'm both very particular about the details of stuff I get. From my normal commissions to my equally indulgent commissions, I put in a lot of effort to make sure they're not just the best they can be, but to also show off something new, sometimes in ways that people never think of. I absolutely enjoy combining new things together and presenting them in super hot ways so that others can understand why I love the things I do. And yet... I can't help but feel like it's not enough. Before I get people saying "You should be happy, first and foremost, with the stuff you get," but they never ask themselves what it's like to be in my shoes. Can you imagine getting something you really love and there's little to no one interested in talking more about it? It's one thing when someone tells you they love it, but it's another when it ends there. And even when it does continue, it becomes very obvious when they want to push an idea onto me, so that I commission it for them. A big fear I've had ever since commissioning toony things is that people will think I am the one to provide it for them. And it turned out to be more true than ever.

Stagnation and Deterioration of a Niche within a Niche
That's how I view my specific kinks and fetish combinations. I stick out like a sore thumb in these communities and somehow, it became worse over time. When I initially joined, the artists that created stuff that I genuinely enjoyed were still here, creating kinky art that made me feel like I actually belonged, that my feelings weren't so strange and that others also enjoyed similar things. But all good things must come to an end, right? People change, as I mentioned earlier. A lot of fantastic artists have left or stopped drawing kinky stuff or stopped altogether, whether it's from personal reasons or more, which I'll get to in a second. From my perspective, I haven't really seen anyone pick up the mantle. Maybe because there's too few of us to really make a difference, but it feels kind of awful having eat bread crumbs while others on the opposite side feast daily, nonstop even. Am I jealous? Who wouldn't be? I can't imagine what it's like being those who are fed while they still complaining that there isn't enough. I have religiously searched for years on end for the stuff I can remotely like across multiple sites, like a desperate scavenger trying to keep himself alive. Nowadays, I feel like a scavenger trying to feed the family he didn't ask for. Sometimes, I look at my interests, personality and even sexuality and think, "Man, this SUCKS. Why was I born with these interests? It would be so much easier if I could love the same thing the majority does." And yet, I don't want to end up like that. I want to be proud about the stuff I truly love and joining the other side doesn't solve the problem. It's running away from it while others will sweep it under the rug as usual. I mentioned earlier that some artists have left for other reasons. They've left for the reasons that I'm still trying to fight for: the lack of content over the years that really appeals.

The OId Minority is the New Norm
Outnumbered would be a better way to describe it. Numbers mean a lot more than people give it credit for. Whenever I go to search FA for the first time each day, I will always ask myself if I can find anything that really catches my attention when I search up certain keywords like flattening. ...This number rarely exceeds past 2. When these artists told me that they've felt that there wasn't any enjoyable content for them, I felt a certain vindication, that I wasn't going crazy or imagining things. It just continues to get worse for people like me. Who knows. Maybe I'll end up leaving out of frustration and disappointment like the artists who did in the past years and perhaps people will finally realize just how good they've had it until it's gone. Or perhaps people will point and laugh and say "You left because of *that?* That's so pathetic, lmao." I won't ask for anyone's pity, but I won't ever ask anyone to take my place because this isn't something I can keep doing forever. I am but one commmissioner, out of thousands of people; I can only do so much compared to the power of artists (Because let's be real. They have a lot more power than people give them credit for). All I can do is support people and artists however I can, but I have my limits. I'm human just like everyone else; not every day is going to be saccharine sunshine nor should it be sugarcoated. I don't need people to make me promises or show interest that they'll do something. Lying through your teeth of empty promises and interest just makes me feel worse. I'm sure anyone would feel the same if they were in my shoes. At the same time, I feel they don't understand how bad it is to have "unique tastes."

Are You Done Ranting?
Today's (daily) rant will end soon. It's probably what people want me to do anyway: shut up and accept the things I have, that I'm lucky that I even have them in the first place. What else am I going to do while my toony commissions take years upon years to get done? Get more and fall into pitfalls every time? It's already hard enough as it is and most available ones either don't draw the stuff I like or take an eternity. There's just no winning for me. I don't to "be the change I want to make." My Brother in Jeezus, you don't know how bad it is until you're trying it yourself for something so niche. I'm essentially fighting an unwinnable battle all on my lonesome. It's just one problem out of the myriad that I've seen. But hey, if no one is complaining other than me, was there ever a problem to begin with? It wouldn't surprise me if people hated that I was cramping their style by getting the thiccest gals in toony content as a drop in the ocean of men. Mind you, this is not telling people to stop getting what they're getting. I'm happy seeing people get stuff that they're passionate about. It brings out the best in people in expressing their interests to the fullest and finding others like you is some of the best feelings you could have. ...So why can't it be easier for me? I can only pray that it gets better for people like me, but realistically, I should keep expectations very low. There's so much more I could talk (rant) about, but I've probably talked people's ears off with this unnecessary essay.

If you glossed over everything or didn't read it, then it probably wasn't important enough to care about. The journal was just a good excuse for me to ask if people were interested in seeing toony commissions that I've gotten that don't have Niki, but instead, have other ladies.

(But seriously, the journal entry isn't fake. I crave interaction that isn't awkward or one-worded. Something that can inspire and spur something amazing to be created.)