So as of the last journal. I was living in my apartment. BUT I didn't stop seeing my ex. Even with on and off seeing him. It lead to a dominio effect that lead to me leaving my apartment. I am now living in a Motel6 . It's been rough but I am okay. This is rock bottom.

I am still working but often feeling exhausted. I am grateful. This had to happen for me to realize how much I was allowing myself to stop being myself for a man. But not just any man. A man that was actively manipulating me for his selfish ways. And rather that seeing it and staying away. I tried hard to hold the situation close to me hoping it would change. I moved states, stayed around and still it needed to fail. I needed to hit rock bottom to be put into a position where I MUST focus on my life and ask the real questions.

Where is my life going? Where is my art. I've been doing all this emotional and physical labor of a relationship...is that really what I want? [You get the picture]

It hurts, of course. But I am not giving up. I can't. This is the closest I've come to getting back on track genuinely.

I have finally! Finally cut him off with no contact. Although I still struggle with fantasies of him changing and coming back. I know it's not real. It never was, the patterns of behavior speak for themselves. So I been pouring into myself really hard. Especially on hard days where all I wanna do is give up. I'm resisting going anywhere that will put me in the same area as that guy.

The realization that I've been protecting him from his destiny. And as a result caught all of the bad karma that was destined for him. Really opened my eyes. It's so much more beyond cheating. He never came through on just about everything he ever talked to me about. He softened every insulting thing with the fake caring. Because I wasn't seeing it for what it is. I accepted that as the possibility of real change. The only real change was what I was doing.

Nothing has gone how I thought and that is the dangerous lesson. Knowing that I allowed myself to be consumed with something that doesn't sound like it even counted as a relationship when I talk about the lore. It's the black eye of this whole thing. Especially since I am now that I live in Illinois.

I am okay. I am healthy and losing weight. Slowly tackling a lot of things at one time. Back taxes, car maintenance, getting back into being my own care giver. Even when it hurts and especially on hard days.
I've not uploaded or drawn anything since moving out of my apartment. But I have faith that when I come back here and write my truth. I am inching closer to becoming the woman I wanted to be.

I have set my foot down. I will move back to Miami. I am moving back November 2027. I was not able to make ppl I would consider real friends. This place was a big beautiful lesson and I am grateful to finally accept it in its entirety.

I wish I had better news but at least this chapter is closed. Now real traction forward is finally possible. Real healing can begin...

Dont look back. Honor the pain. Press forward. Good things are coming, dont give up.

Much love fur fam

-ee