Hey so I don't know if anyone still remembers me or not, but I'm miraculously still alive even though my mind is saying that it isn't good to be alive because of what happened last year and a bunch of things that caused it too...

What happened was, Twitter and the site itself literally caused me to spiral down to a huge depressive state as well as suicidal to the point that I not only flaked out on my 2 commissioners (for that, I am REALLY, truely sorry that I did such an unprofessional thing to you all, and I do understand if you don't want to work with me anymore because of what I did and broke my own TOS in not keeping contact with you all...), but also to the point that emotional rejection trauma made me forget how to draw on the computer... At the same time, I also had a part-time job as a server and focused my energy on it to the point I was too tired to even draw...And it also made me go into MORE of a stressful and depressive state since I should have known that going into the food industry is the worst for my mental health as well as physical...
At the moment, I am on welfare and unemployed, and still waiting on them to find and get me a mental clinic because Japan is INCREDIBLY slow in finding one and it's been about 9-10 months since I requested for one! (I don't know if it has anything to do with the multiple people also on welfare trying to find medical help, if we have a HUGE lack of mental clinics because Japan still isn't on the mental health wellness bandwagon, or if it is REALLY hard to find an English-speaking doctor who is a woman in my area that I requested...)

And much as I want to work on commissions again, I am not confident in my mental health at all if it decides to sabotage itself while I try to work... Because through self-diagnosing myself, I found out that I might have ADHD, but DEFINITELY do have Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria and Executive Dysfunction Disorder. RSD is the reason why anything I perceive as rejection, criticism, and anything negative happening to me, my anxiety and panicking skyrockets and I can't control my depressive episodes due to it... Also, being a people pleaser (which is actually part of ADHD, I learned) of getting worried I made people mad at me for waiting and not doing/being REALLY slow to any work to the point I just lose energy ... Also triggers my depression and stress too... Right now, while waiting for them to get back at me for finding a clinic, all I can do is read up some ADHD Life Hacks and try them out on myself in order to take control of it for the time being. As well as, I have to curb back on what triggers my mental depression and stuff in order to heal and function properly... Which is why I had to unfollow/not favorite any artwork that I feel, is a level higher than my skill level because then I start comparing myself which makes my RSD and other mental factors flood out due to my terrible self-confidence issues. I know that would feel insulting to people, but for the sake of MY mental health, I feel like it's for the best...

As well, I know that there are some people still waiting on their free art as well as their unfinished commission, if you want the unfinished files or are okay with me REALLY slowly working on them bit by bit, please tell me.

That being said, I also wanted to say that after some thought and reading a certain animator's book, that I have decided to try and get back that 'joy of drawing' by drawing what I like and enjoy, which is basically kemonomimi guys. I know everyone came here to see me draw furries and stuff, but I'm finding that if I don't draw what I enjoy first, then it's hard for me to draw everyone else's art too. Please don't take this as me not enjoying furry art. I REALLY do enjoy drawing everyone's fursona and looking at them! And I really DO like drawing animals as well as the fact that I like a challenge in drawing them! It's just that I was also dealing with some Imposter Syndrome in that I felt like I was deceiving people in taking on certain animals that I felt I couldn't draw...when in reality, I just wanted to study that particular animal's structure thoroughly and at my own pace to get it right, but felt like I would be letting people down if they found out I was totally inexperienced and I relied on reference to draw, despite how 'good' my artwork looked... So for now, no furry art until I figure out myself art-wise. I'm really sorry for that...
I don't know if I will post my artwork here really, since this is a furry site and well... I don't know (or forgot...) if anyone is interested in seeing my original kemonomimi guy drawings really... (I might dump them at Twitter even though I hate that place but I don't know... )

Since this journal entry has gotten long, I will stop here. Again, I apologize to my commissioners that I unprofessionally bailed out on and stopped contact with, due to my mental disorder. For now, this place will be quiet again until I can get myself sorted out.

Fiorabeast