So, today I feel like posting something i've never really done before.. well I've made posts but i never really had them tie to me because i feel like I don't want to show my true feelings to others because i feel that I am being weak in showing that I can but upset too sometimes. Most of the times I just feel that everyone else have more of a reason to feel upset but for mine they are not worth being upset about.. But I can't seem to drop the feelings.. So here is the deal.

I had a friend.. this friend I met at a con and she (MtF ) used to talk with me all the time... This friend I was close enough to where we talked everyday on VR chat almost and I even fell asleep on it with them x.x. We weren't dating or anything like that. but we were just friends. Long story short this friend of mine always had problems with other people and i was always there for them. trying to make them feel happy, trying to remind them that there are more reasons to not want to kill themselves, to just keep pushing forward to just stay positive. This became a repeated thing to where it was like clock work where I was always there for them... I never let them really get close to me because they never really.. wanted to know who I was.. It bothered me for a while.. but I soon enough let it go.. But to keep going with it. Is that I was always trying to make them feel better because i am a nice person and I wanted everyone to remain happy or ATLEAST Okay. We had mutual friends that they stopped talking because of situations they had towards one another. but I told them both I dont pick sides. that i am going to be friends with both sides until one does wrong by me. Which is fair... So to bring this in full circle.. just a few months ago, me and this friend had one final talk where they were talking about ending it all and I said, "you need to stop that because people care about you." to which they didn't care about what i was saying. I went on to saying. "Listen I have been here through the thoughest shit with you and still you treat my answers like trash. When will you move on from those that hurt you and see the future? You have been doing so good, you were happy, with your boyfriend.. why do you go back to what you used to have with that person?" And they said, "because they are happy without me." I responded, "And? you were too without them! You don't need to worry about that shit and just move forward."

This went on for about three hours until I had to go.. and i said "I'm glad there isn't a reason to block me right.. so I'll see ya tomorrow." to which I wasn't expecting to be blocked and everything.. Like.. Maybe because i said something about it, I tempted fate?

Like.. Yes.. They didn't treat me right as a friend, at all.... but.. the fact that right now.. I feel pain thinking, "am I really a good friend? Am I just too hard on people that need to be spoken to softly and not harshly?" Like.. I asked em.. everytime if they want my honest no filter truth or my sugar coat.. They asked for the all out truth and I gave them the truth every single time..

I find it so funny that.. even to someone that hurts me like this.. I still feel sorry and feel that it is my fault that people leave. That I am being too hard on people... I don't know.. I'll stop typing now.