(Pardon any formatting errors, I wrote this on the notes app on my phone lol. All @‘s refer to Twitter handles)

BLFC 2021: A Stream-of-Consciousness Debriefing

So, being the first BIG social event I’ve attended since the Covid-19 pandemic, I had lots of high expectations about parties and the typical antics I’ve come to expect from furry conventions. This con certainly hit those expectations, but that seems like such a minor blip on the radar after experiencing this con. Instead, what I find myself focusing on is the master class in self actualization that I received from my friends during BLFC2021.

A recap of the weekend:

I feel like I do a pretty good job of hiding it, but it’s actually a little tough for me to break out of my shell and open up to new folks when I meet them in person. That’s why I was so shocked to find myself already giggly and comfortable with our lovely friend group as we arrived late Wednesday night. Hugs were exchanged, I tried coffee crisp for the first time (shoutout to the lovely @ LadyVillene for her excellent taste in snacks!) By the time DJ and I headed back to the hotel room that night, I knew that this con was going to be something special.

And I’m glad I gave myself that perspective shift, because it mentally equipped me to hold myself glamorously and confidently into Thursday’s festivities. I picked up some lovely art for the walls of my bedroom, got some souvenirs for pals who couldn’t make it to the con, and wore a feminine bathing suit for the first time to the poolside party event. There, I bumped into @ echocanidae, my ex-partner, whom I hadn’t spoken with in years. I assumed they’d want nothing to do with me, as our friendship had somewhat dissolved since we broke up, but fueled by my confidence from my friends, I called out to them from the pool. We both shocked each other with how much we had changed our identities through transition since we had last seen each other, a delightful feeling that I’m still reveling in.

I got to spend a good deal of my time on Friday with the incomparable Miss Dither (@ DITHERKINS)and Miss Holiday,(@ wolf_mawther,) and Charlie (@ blondfishie) whose entrancing personalities bring out a grace and femininity within me that I absolutely cherish, and hope to be able to wield on my own from here onwards.

Saturday was a bit chaotic, given an unfortunate scramble for a Covid test to allow Villene to re-enter Canada as scheduled, but it also gave me a chance to spend some one-on-one time with her. It gave me time enough to truly appreciate what a kind soul she is. That said, America’s Covid testing, particularly for traveling, is woefully inadequate, I’ve discovered. As often as I harp on it on Twitter, it always eats away at my brain when I come across real life examples of how broken our healthcare system is, and this scramble for the proper Covid test was just another piece in a long file of evidence convincing me that our bullshit country needs single payer healthcare paid for by taxes and free at the point-of-use. ANYWAY, POLITICAL SOAPBOX ASIDE, we ultimately got Villene squared away for her flight, as well as some of the world’s best chicken fingers from Raising Canes.

Exhausted and worn-down, I met with our group for a night of restorative social time and bowling with pals. While bowling, I was misgendered a couple times by staff and acquaintances who didn’t know me well enough to know any better. As usual, this has the effect of sending me into the sunken place, and soon I found myself behaving in this generic, “no I’m not depressed no really I’m happy and cheery and fun” way that I so often hide behind in moments of mental turmoil. But, like an oasis in the desert, @ russelbuck played their 2AM set, which plunged a rescuing hand directly into my brain and ripped me back to reality. DJ and I danced side by side, only stopping to occasionally catch our breath between songs or to receive a compliment by those around us, apparently impressed by our dance moves. That dance was like a salve on a wound, and was everything I needed to recover my happiness for the evening.

After a brief morning errand, I made my way to the convention space on Sunday to regroup with DJ. They had spent the night with another new friend, @DangerDook, who after lunch was feeling generous enough to host our huge friend group for one last event in his hotel room. After a few drinks, I could feel post con depression starting to settle in, which Berry (@weird_romance) must’ve noticed, as she scrambled to my side to join me in complimenting all of our friends and gushing over how lucky we were to have the community of lovely souls that we do. Tears were shed, hugs and doodles were exchanged, and the convention was given a satisfying conclusion for our group.

A mental check-in:
I’m on my return flight as I write this, and my brain is swimming with emotions. I’m writing this chapter, and indeed this entire debriefing, to try and make sense of some of that stuff in my brain.

I am already nostalgic for this moment, and I imagine I’m going to be carrying that feeling with me for a while. This was my first time meeting almost everyone in our group in person, and even though it is only for a weekend, I can already sense that I’m capable of moving mountains if it means that one of my new friends would have a better life.

I received lots of compliments on my fashion and my body this weekend. Typically, I default to receiving compliments like these with reservation. Somehow, it seems more likely that someone is simply complimenting a transfeminine woman as a sort of sympathy-gesture, a feeble attempt at soothing a tumultuous existence. But somehow, these compliments felt genuine, and ripped straight to my core. Last night, I found myself looking at photos of myself pre-transition, and sobbing over how much different I look now. It was a wake up call, a red flag alerting me to the fact that I am far too hard on myself, and not nearly as respectful of the progress I’ve made as I should be.

On a similar note, I had a few transfemme friends tell me that they look up to me this weekend. This comment in particular immediately moves me to tears, and I’m choking back a lump in my throat even typing it out now. Transition has been the best change I’ve ever made for myself, bar none, but I’ve always found myself operating under the assumption that I’m not pretty enough, that my femininity and identity would be forever marred with a dreaded asterisk. One that says “woman, but like, not REALLY wink wink nudge nudge.” But, knowing that others see my transition as not only valid, but as a role model that they can follow for themselves has exorcised the internalized transphobia demon that I have carried with me for such a long time.To my transfeminine friends, I love you and I cherish you all. I hope one day you see the woman in the mirror that the rest of us see, like I now can, thanks to your hope and encouragement. When you get to the point where you love yourself the way I now can, I hope you’ll remember to pay it forward and help your fellow trans friends with self actualization. Remember, “bad girls have each other’s backs.”

To be trans in 2021 is to live in a strange conflict. Things are simultaneously better for us than they ever have been, while also teetering so close to the edge of disastrously terrible that noticing the difference is hardly perceivable. Yet, despite that, my trans friends continue to face forward towards progress. They all boldly chase their true identities, and I promise to do the same for myself. I hope that I may serve as a shield for you, a place to come when the world becomes too cruel and you simply need a moment of respite. You all mean the world to me. And now I’m crying on the plane.

To all my friends, I’ve found so much more that I admire about you all this weekend. Your laughs, your senses of style, your voices, the small nuances of walking through crowds and cuddling and drinking and swimming and telling stories and eating meals and sharing art and checking in on one another and relaxing that you all have, your mysteries and your strengths. They’re all worth being proud of, and I am. I am so proud to call all of you my friends.

I owe so much of who I am to the furry fandom. It has provided me with a partner who I love and adore, an identity that I can cling to in times of trouble, and most importantly, you all. It’s funny to me that the same entity that provided us all with 19 twinks whacking it onto a pizza can mean so much to me, but I challenge anyone in the world to find a more open, expressive, queer-positive, talented, kind-hearted group of people than furries. We should be proud of the community that we’ve built for ourselves, and we should always remember to put in the maintenance and attention that it takes to keep our fandom a space that feels safe and inclusive to all walks of life, particularly the marginalized communities that find safety and comfort here.

Okay, the stranger next to me on the flight is starting to look at me funny for sobbing, so I think I should probably wrap up this debriefing. Friends, thank you for reigniting the lust for life within me. I can’t wait to do it all again soon. Until then, please, PLEASE hold fast to the best parts of yourselves. Don’t let the cruelty of the world warp you into anything else but the beautiful delights that you are.

I will see you all again soon. Until then, take care, and blessed be, my darlings 💜

-Remington “Ruby” Rose Chalmers