Going through life, sometimes you'll come across a person who just doesn't like you. It doesn't matter how much you make one person smile, someone else will find a reason to scoff. It doesn't matter how good of a person you try to be, someone else will focus on the bad. It doesn't matter if you have good intentions, someone else will interpret in a negative way. It doesn't matter if you wrong someone either, or if they think you've wronged them, they won't care what you could possibly have to say about it and an apology isn't even an option. You could try to make things right, but they'll just give you the middle finger, and you'll walk away not knowing what you did wrong. For a few hours or maybe a few days, if not much longer, you'll have this awful feeling in your stomach, going through the situation in your head over and over again, trying to figure out what happened and why. You can't do better, because they won't tell you how you messed up. You can't improve, because you don't have an explanation as to why you were looked at in that way. You can't understand what you did wrong, because no one can tell you. What do you do in these situations? If i'm being honest, I haven't got a damn clue. All my life I have been a very direct communicator, and it's gotten me in trouble more often than not, because people take it as rude. Condescending. You're a jerk because you speak your mind and communicate clearly and bluntly rather than speaking softly and with care. Especially in the modern world where people seem to be easily offended, will overreact and make decisions based on emotional rather than think logically, so you're forced to walk on eggshells to make sure you don't set someone off. It doesn't matter how much you think about what you say before you say it, how many times you delete the sentence and reconstruct it, if you use big words or little words. At least in my experience, most people have already made up their mind about how they'll respond before you've gotten the words out, so just say what you need to say! How someone else reacts isn't your responsibility and you're not at fault for how they choose to respond... That latter part is hard to overcome. With so many people in my life, I have been left wondering why what I said was wrong and what I could have said instead, unable to help but feel like their reaction is my fault. Would saying nothing have been better? Not always, because someone can interpret that as passive aggressive. What if you try to seek clarification to find out what is wrong here, ans address it appropriately? Well, no, because that might be seen as argumentative. What if you don't quite understand something and make a mistake? Then you should have known better. The list goes on, and to someone who doesn't like who you, there is no winning.

In this community, I think i'm learning more and more how awful people can be. You try to make new friends and meet cool people, build connections or try to get to know someone you look up to, only for them to put on a happy face and lead you on. Before you know it, they crumple you up and throw you away, forgetting you even existed. It hurts the most when the feeling is genuine to you. Regardless of how close you've gotten with another person, online or in person, you truly don't know them until years down the line. I can't count how many people i've met who simply disappear after feeling like they've become my best friend. There are some folks out there i've met, and artists i've learned from, who seem so wonderful only to be backhand you because they can block you at any moment, using that threat as leverage; "follow my rules and give me special treatment or else!" Especially in this community, where art is our language, to me, that latter always hurts the most. No matter the situation, an idol or just someone you click with, you never get closure, and that sucks. You can't learn from that experience now, let alone even attempt to repair what's been broken! You are only ever left confused. Lost. Depressed. Feeling unwanted. Like you don't even matter. And for what? Because someone simply decided that they don't like you! They decided that your personality wasn't satisfactory to them and/or let their emotions get the better of them. Getting over it is the hardest part, especially speaking as someone who has struggled with anxiety their entire life. What can you do but your best? Sadly, to some people, your best isn't good enough. Now, does that person owe you an explanation for why they decided you were no longer worth anything to them? Maybe not, but that just goes to show the ugly and vile integrity of their character. Someone who is genuine will try to talk with you, and if not work things out, at least tell you why what you did got to them or why they feel like things aren't working out. In my opinion and experience, someone who can't be honest with you, choosing to run away in cowardice and being dishonest with themselves, is not a good person. Period.

To me, when it comes to these situations, grief is an appropriate way to feel. Sad. Betrayed. Maybe even heartbroken. We all handle grief, sadness, and getting upset in our own way, but I don't think it's something to get angry over. After all, it's not your fault they chose to react in an immature manner. They decided not to think and instead acted on emotion and/or impulse, revealing their true colors, showing you that they weren't worth your time anyway! They didn't consider you, only themselves. Selfishness can be a good thing, don't get me wrong, but when you act in selfishness against someone, that's not selfish, it's apathy. So don't beat yourself up over it, but instead, work through it and try to move on. Ignore them, because what happened, happened, and you can't change anything. Talk to people you know you can trust and don't be afraid to cry! It hurts, and that pain needs to leave the body. Wanting to keep going is tough, and with how many times i've experienced this after getting more involved with the furry fandom, it really makes me want to leave sometimes. How can such a welcoming, inclusive, happy community also be so full of two-faced phonies? Truly, I couldn't tell you. For someone like me, I never really get over it. These scenarios play over and over in my head, almost passively, and serve as a reminder that the next person I engage with will probably leave me with a gunshot wound, walking away as I bleed into the dirt. If anything, it's always surprising when that doesn't happen. When you make a real connection. One step at a time, you'll eventually heal without realizing it, and the scars are worth it once you find someone who's real with you.

I write this journal because only a few hours prior to writing, an artist, whom I learned is practically my neighbor, got to know one another a little bit. Someone i've learned from for nearly two years, but it turns out, they always had something against me. I was always suspicious because they treated me differently than other folks in the discord sever, and then I was suddenly shut out from their life, without warning and without reason, because of a simple misunderstanding and miscommunication that could have easily been solved in kindness. With someone who has a vendetta, they don't care. They don't want to fix that relationship, because they've been waiting for you to slip up, and all it takes is one, petty little thing for them to finally have an excuse to get rid of you. Once they do, they'll make it a point to ensure everyone else hates you too, manipulating those around them. And when they're popular enough, your side of the story usually doesn't even matter.

I think the overall point of this journal, although it's mostly just me venting my frustration over what i've experienced time and time again, is that you may go through life trying to be a good person, being the best you that you can be, and people will still find reasons to take issue with you. As I said though, no matter how many times it happens, I think it's important to keep going. You're not perfect and people can be pricks. Keep trying to find those people who you can mutually care about, and don't be afraid to be yourself and to speak your mind, no matter who it may offend. Most importantly, don't give a fuck what people think of you, because no matter what you do or who you are, there will always, always, be people who just don't like you.