I thought things would be different now. I was wrong. So wrong. I hate this. I hate it I hate it I hate...

I don't know anymore. I don't know what was real, what wasn't. Was it all a lie? Was everything I gave up and sacrificed because I thought what I had to do was more important... was it all for nothing? What's real anymore? Why did I have to ruin everything? Why?

I don't know anymore. I don't know anything anymore. All I know is that I'm cold, and liquor is warm. Can't function. Head wont stop spinning. I miss him, and it hurts and I drove him away for NOTHING. The only person to ever treat me like I was worth a damn. And now he's gone. And I don't know what to do anymore. Where to go. How to make the pain go away and make my head stop spinning. I don't freaking know anymore. And I can't stand it.

I hope he wakes up soon, I hope his number is the same, I hope we can talk. Just once. Just one more time and I wouldn't be okay with it, but it would help. I think. Probably not. I'm probably just causing more pain. Like I always do. I hate this. I hate it.

I'm so. Damn. Tired.