I've been in the fandom for a while. Since I was 14. Im 32 now. And in that time, I have been through 2 divorces, finally landing someone I think is the one.
One problem though. I've also had numerous break ups, good and bad.
It seemed like no matter who I was with, I was never truly happy. I found myself isolating myself, never being one to initiate conversations with those I consider close friends. Even then, if I friend needs help, I do everything I can for them and never ask for anything in return. I don't even ask for help when I need it. No one has really asked me how I am doing. Hell, my dad just fell ill and terribly depressed.
I have finally figured it out. All of this has taken it's toll. Really, started to feel it several years ago.

I am clinically depressed. I don't even go to furmeets anymore. I just can't do it. I don't really have anyone I can talk to and I'm afraid of talking to my mate because she's part of it. I know she doesnt mean to, but there are things she does that are hurting me. I try not to let it get to me. But still.
Being military with my clearance, I can't really say much for fear of losing what I have worked 13 years to get. I have been trying to live with this but its getting harder everyday to do it. Trying to stave off a breakdown triggered by something as simple as dropping a nut working. Everyone says things will get better, but it really doesn't feel like it. I keep telling myself this but as I get older and see my dad deteriorate, the words grow more hollow.
If anyone thinks I plan on killing myself, don't worry. I have no intention of hurting myself, especially knowing what it would do to my family.
But honestly, I'm to the point where I don't want to really burden anyone with my problems. I just want someone to listen. Even provide a hug or two. I'm not asking for money. Just...consol and affirmation that things will be okay. Maybe my life will get better.
Even though I don't know many of you following me personally, I just want to let you know, I love you. All of you.