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Well finally figured it out. At least something. Depression
8 years ago
I've been in the fandom for a while. Since I was 14. Im 32 now. And in that time, I have been through 2 divorces, finally landing someone I think is the one.
One problem though. I've also had numerous break ups, good and bad.
It seemed like no matter who I was with, I was never truly happy. I found myself isolating myself, never being one to initiate conversations with those I consider close friends. Even then, if I friend needs help, I do everything I can for them and never ask for anything in return. I don't even ask for help when I need it. No one has really asked me how I am doing. Hell, my dad just fell ill and terribly depressed.
I have finally figured it out. All of this has taken it's toll. Really, started to feel it several years ago.
I am clinically depressed. I don't even go to furmeets anymore. I just can't do it. I don't really have anyone I can talk to and I'm afraid of talking to my mate because she's part of it. I know she doesnt mean to, but there are things she does that are hurting me. I try not to let it get to me. But still.
Being military with my clearance, I can't really say much for fear of losing what I have worked 13 years to get. I have been trying to live with this but its getting harder everyday to do it. Trying to stave off a breakdown triggered by something as simple as dropping a nut working. Everyone says things will get better, but it really doesn't feel like it. I keep telling myself this but as I get older and see my dad deteriorate, the words grow more hollow.
If anyone thinks I plan on killing myself, don't worry. I have no intention of hurting myself, especially knowing what it would do to my family.
But honestly, I'm to the point where I don't want to really burden anyone with my problems. I just want someone to listen. Even provide a hug or two. I'm not asking for money. Just...consol and affirmation that things will be okay. Maybe my life will get better.
Even though I don't know many of you following me personally, I just want to let you know, I love you. All of you.
One problem though. I've also had numerous break ups, good and bad.
It seemed like no matter who I was with, I was never truly happy. I found myself isolating myself, never being one to initiate conversations with those I consider close friends. Even then, if I friend needs help, I do everything I can for them and never ask for anything in return. I don't even ask for help when I need it. No one has really asked me how I am doing. Hell, my dad just fell ill and terribly depressed.
I have finally figured it out. All of this has taken it's toll. Really, started to feel it several years ago.
I am clinically depressed. I don't even go to furmeets anymore. I just can't do it. I don't really have anyone I can talk to and I'm afraid of talking to my mate because she's part of it. I know she doesnt mean to, but there are things she does that are hurting me. I try not to let it get to me. But still.
Being military with my clearance, I can't really say much for fear of losing what I have worked 13 years to get. I have been trying to live with this but its getting harder everyday to do it. Trying to stave off a breakdown triggered by something as simple as dropping a nut working. Everyone says things will get better, but it really doesn't feel like it. I keep telling myself this but as I get older and see my dad deteriorate, the words grow more hollow.
If anyone thinks I plan on killing myself, don't worry. I have no intention of hurting myself, especially knowing what it would do to my family.
But honestly, I'm to the point where I don't want to really burden anyone with my problems. I just want someone to listen. Even provide a hug or two. I'm not asking for money. Just...consol and affirmation that things will be okay. Maybe my life will get better.
Even though I don't know many of you following me personally, I just want to let you know, I love you. All of you.
'It seemed like no matter who I was with, I was never truly happy. I found myself isolating myself, never being one to initiate conversations with those I consider close friends. Even then, if I friend needs help, I do everything I can for them and never ask for anything in return. I don't even ask for help when I need it. No one has really asked me how I am doing.'
what you said there kinda describes my personality..i have not had as many relationships as you do..but i'm happy on my own..are you a Gemini by any chance?
i believe that relationships are about understanding and making compromises..both partners really should talk things through, but try to keep calm and rational and not let emotions cloud your judgement while doing so.
'I don't want to really burden anyone with my problems.'
that is also exactly how i thinks..i would rather do things myself instead of asking for help.
i'm not in the military myself, but i have friends who are veterans..i'm not sure if they would give you anti-depressant while you're still in service..but you might want to consider meds if you are prone to breakdowns..
sorry i dunno what else to write..-offer a hug-