Getting my thoughts down here, since I've not been updating people.

Its been a real hard time here, and when asked best I can really say Is 'I'm managing" Corona has caused me no end of agony despite not being infected. Having already stressful connections with masks before all this(Having to wear one when digging through the remains of the catastrophic apartment fire) is making the constant masking when outside very unpleasant.


my own sense of self esteem and confidence have long since been shattered, not feeling able to do what I once was able, far less emotionally resilient and so on. I used to be able to self motivate so much better, now its almost impossible to actually write..This doesn't exactly help my attempts to write for the Lodge either, or start over with something new... gunshy about wasting limited energy on something that'll be ignored...

So yeah, Depression is a horrid thing. Makes you so emotionally exhausted every day.

So many people I've cared for over the last many years have faded away, leaving me far fewer social connections. Makes the ghosting I'm sure everyone has experienced at some point hurt a lot more than it used to... making it hard for me to even appear in social groups.. .its gotten hard to talk... which doesn't help anyone, but its still my mentality


Feeling useless and incapable so much more, hitting 40, aging parent(And her own non existent self esteem, fear, and neediness) isn't helping the sense of mortality, really don't have anything to hold onto. Think I used to use things like cons for a breath of fresh air, but yeah,fuck Corona.


Thats kinda it for now, I'll manage somehow, but its really a day by day thing..