💚 Want to be friends? Let's give it a fair go! 💚

I can't say a lot of things are going my way at the moment.

My interest in porn has SIGNIFICANTLY diminished to the point where I have actually considered transferring the ownership of my characters to some friends and leaving the fandom, which a friend I know has.

I say this because my bad experiences in this community taunt me when I am at my lowest and I am haunted by the enemies I never meant to make.
Like they say, people find it easier to remember what you've done wrong, rather than your good deeds.

I've statistically met and had more good experiences than bad, but bad experiences always hit harder than good ones...

Interestingly enough, I've had some people contact me regarding ordering commissions. I do wish I could fulfil their wishes, because it always brings a smile to my face, creating something for somone... Unfortunately, my therapist believes I might be suffering from anhedonia, which effectively means I cannot engage myself in any hobby I used to enjoy, which rather depressingly, also includes video games.

After years of avoiding and believing weed is bad, I've finally caved in and decided to give it a go.
The cannabis does help... Makes me feel stupid... So I don't like taking it. It feels wrong. Doesn't feel like me.

I still don't know what to do with myself. I carry with me so very many regrets and wrong-doings, stuff I wish I had or hadn't done.
I made memories with people who are no longer interested in being around me. That's the sort of thing that's hurting me the most, at the moment.

Memories of a better time. A time when I actually felt special. When life had felt worth living

Now I just feel like a stain that some people would have rather never met.
And here I am, already paranoid, just waiting to run into another one.

I try to preach positivity because, they say what goes around comes around.
I just hope things get better soon.

The kindest people really do suffer the most.