I have officially given up. I no longer have any passion to work on art. In the last two years I've done only about five sketches, most never finished. I was on insta for a short time before they immediately fucked over every artists trying to become tictoc. YouTube as well has been getting shittier and shittier, and will take down videos that use anything copyrighted regardless of fair use or a lack of actual monetization on the chanel (to clarify, i dont make money on my videos, but yt will still play adds on them, and take them down if I use music I'm not expressly allowed to use, if you don't know, fair use is a LAW that is supposed to protect works made without profit, I should be allowed to make videos with whatever song i want cause I'm not making money off it)

I've had a shit run in the fandom as well in all honesty, drama is absurd, even if I try to ignore it it gets dragged up by everyone, people I fallow cause I like their art often turn out to be pedos or zoos and many i have no clue about cause i try to avoid drama so much. I tried to sell a character on amino ages ago and it only ever was liked, so I did a (very bad idea) pole asking why, turns out $20 was too expensive, so I lowered it to $15, then $10, and finally $5, the character had a ref sheet, and three art pieces, and still people thought it was too expensive, so I made it a trade, and took the only offer I got cause i was just tired of seeing something i was so proud of be shit on so much that i grew a distain for that character. I left amino after only a few weeks.

I sort of blame myself for my lack of real interactions in the fandom. I messed up. I was hopeful I could do the art I wanted and make some free art for others. But now that I struggle so heavily I have a base of people who only care about getting in on free art, and they don't care about anything else I make, and no one is really willing to commission me (except one person who still seems to want to commission me, you know who you are and I really appreciate you, I just don't have the motivation to do anything anymore, and I'm sorry)

At this point, I'm only lucky that my sister is my land lord and hasn't kicked me out. Ive been jobless for a year, and owe a whole year of back rent. My days consist of spending every waking moment trying to not let myself become paralyzed with depression, any time I don't spend trying to distract myself, I spend cleaning, cooking, and making applications, so I don't burden my sister, who is still burdened regardless cause she is in dept, and I haven't been able to pay any rent in a whole year (aside from two dog/house sitting jobs for a friend and one quilt commission from a family friend, all money of Wich, just went right to my sister)

I've followed and watched as artists gain a legitimate fan base for silly little doodles, I watched them improve and get swamped with commissions and comments gradually, and every time, these small artists I follow grow exponentially, in a year someone with the same following as my own, becomes a success with thousands of people praising anything they make throwing money at them without even getting any art, just to help them, I'm not mad at them, but I am mad that I don't know what it is I keep doing wrong that leaves me unnoticed. I've always been someone who isn't seen, is forgotten, gone unnoticed, standing in front of people, even when talking to them. I don't know why that is, or why it seems to be the case even online.

I feel this site is still the best for aspiring artists, it was the best site for me, I got more interactions here, than I have anywhere else (as cringe as I was a few years ago, I was still a kid through most of my time on this site, Im 25 as of writing this)

My main issue is capitalism (specifically US hell) in all honesty, I hate that people have become businesses, that creative freedom online is basically dead. I don't want to upload or add anything about my own worlds or characters and story online anymore because I can't afford the legal protection to keep people (mainly bigger corporations and people already better off than me) from just taking everything I've done and making money off it while I sit in obscurity.

I just want to live and be able to share art, but the Internet isn't a place for that anymore, it's a capitalist hellscape where the only opportunities are for easy money and building your business, and anything that ends up online without the legal protection is just free ideas for everyone else to profit off of.

Idk if it's been noticed, but I haven't been on this site for over two years now. I only came on today to make this post so I can stop feeling obligated to upload things no one cares about.

I just know, if I'm ever gonna come back, it will be under a new account, with a different name, to start over, so that may be I can get people who are legitimately interested in what I make. It won't be for a while. I need to clean up after four people, I need to train my sisters dog, I need to find a job, I need to work until I pay off all my back rent, and I need a mental break.

I have been somewhat uploading things on my Tumblr if anyone wants to see what I've managed to make sense I've ghosted this site, not my main blog but HrpDrpDoesArt
I probably still will put whatever I make up on my Tumblr, but it's not gonna be a lot.

Oh, I also have a red bubble that I'm gonna eventually delete cause I never got money for the few stickers I know sold cause it was family and friends who bought the stickers, so clearly that's a waste where a company is just leaching me for profit.

I'm so all over the place, even this journal is jumping from one thing to another, I don't even know what I'm doing anymore, i don't even think I'm really living anymore, I think things i never should be thinking that I dont want to say publicly, I can't tell when I'm being fucked over or if I'm being selfish. I barely can motivate myself to eat anymore unless it's food that was actively offered to me, most of Wich is not healthy cause it comes from my bf who only likes chocolate, chicken nuggets and potatoes, and I can't just ask him for food I really want cause it's so expensive and he's been struggling with money and rent lately too, and i don't want to make him spend his money on food he won't eat, cause he absolutely will miss a weeks rent to get food to make me feel better.

The only things that have been keeping me from my darkest moments, has been my bf, my dog, and this game I've been obsessing over that really deserves more attention, bomb rush cyberfunk, it's not expensive, and 100% worth your time, makes me wish I played jet set games as a kid and actually inspired me to draw again after a year of not drawing anything, even if I still haven't done much more than sketches.

If anyone actually sees this, and reads through making it to the end, I hope you have a better time than I have, I hope you actually find commissions if your looking for them, I hope you find interactions on your posts and make friends. I've spent literally 15 years trying to make something, but I still don't really know what I want, only what I'm expected to do, and I'm sure that Im just an anomaly, and that if you try your best, you will succeed where I have failed, I've seen it time and time again, I've watched creators rise from nothing, I've seen them regain a following after huge drama scandals, I'm just not cut out for it, I'm sure you can make it.