Okie so I wanna make a journal for those in the know and not, so this might be a long one. Apologies in advance :3

So, I have depression, or at least I think I have, for the last few months. It's self diagnosed since I'm too poor for hospitals and pills to take the edge off, but I'm 90% sure that lack of motivation on anything and having trouble having fun is a good sign of some sort of depression. If I had to wager, intense burnout as I often take on things I'm unable to follow through with. Some people reading might even know what I'm talking about >.>

I feel terrible, but I also feel...nothing much, if that makes any sense? Regardless, before I spiral, idk if I will be better after a year or what, but I need a break. Even still, I worry about my audience, even though most of y'all are chill and won't care about a 1-2 month upload cycle, but it might be the pressure still effecting me. This is all a gamble, as at this point I've tried taking many breaks from many things to even know what it is but idk.

Some days are better, and I feel like nothing is wrong. Other days, today included, I don't even want to talk to my friends. Not cuz I want to be alone, but rather just like...a total lack of will to just text, instead doomscrolling or whatever else I can do to waste time.

Again, so I stop myself from rambling, idk if this'll help. But, it has helped me remembering that I'm 20. Not like mid twenties or early, I'm still 20 years old. Even if I needed a 10 year break I could still come back and be in my prime. I have time, is what I'm trying to say, and tell myself. I will not stop writing entirely, doing that will do more harm than good, but even if I do write, don't expect uploads. I don't want to until I have my old confidence back. Until I know I can tackle a work load, until I have an actual plan. This could also mean I can come back with like dozens of stories. Or it could not. I have lost the will to care :3

I think I was just really naive when I started writing. I had literally no plan and no idea what I was doing. Maybe a break is what I need. All I know is that I think it's caught up to me. All the false promises that I did have intentions of fulfilling, all the excitement and motivations to tackle many different projects without rhyme or reasons, or offering someone a story cuz their art is hot and I'm horny and wanted to write but ultimately lacked the overall motivation. You know who you are, and I'm sorry again for not being able to commit.

All in all, I'll still try and be active, and it'll suck if I can't get any new art, but I survived without it for a while, I'm sure I'll manage.

That being said, if you do want to like, leave a small tip I still have my ko-fi open, on my front page, but don't give like more than $5 or I'll probably feel committed like I need to pay it back. Regardless, if you wanna reach me too I have my discord open all the time, but responses might be slow for...well case in point written above. Thanks for supporting me over the years, and sorry if I disappointed you. I'd say it won't happen again, and I really want to keep my word this time. Here's to hoping I can :3

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