As the first week of July came and went, so did the passing of a previous era and the entering of a new era.

In these past 3 and a half months since, I have not yet figured out how to go about this new direction I've been going on. I wasn't even sure what to call it. But my recent actions that I've taken, seem to have given me the answers I needed. Next year, I am going to be 30 in online years. I am part of the handful of people that have joined an online world as it was developing. Web 1.0 or the 'Wild Wild West' of the internet as some would call it, that was what I was a part of. And I don't fully regret having spent much of my time online as I have, even though I've watched many things I've enjoyed and those I've once associated with, all fade away.

However, I have been feeling like that at some point, I will just simply slow down from so much interactivity. I've given up multiplayer gaming. I've limited the amount of places I check. Just recently, I've abandoned my Gaia Online account and that was a place I had been on for a combined 18 years. I've also deleted my Facebook and I'm on Day 9 since it's been deleted, so far, the longest it's been sitting that way. I've had it for 5 years, but I know I've been on Facebook for longer than that.

But the reason behind me deleting my Facebook has more of a meaning than just simply slow activity online. To me, it was making a statement. It was there, that a lot of the remnants of my local friends and a couple online friends are on. I knew that removing my Facebook would mean that I am just removing all of them, technically. My decision of this didn't come swiftly, for I had sat in deep reflection and evaluation. For a long period of time, I have allowed so many things to happen to me and around me that I just ignored. Sometimes, I would look up on Google and read articles and some opinion-based sources about friendships and how or when they stop being meaningful. Like if they aren't doing anything for you.

And more times than not, some of those reasons I've read, are coming truer from my experiences within some people in my circle. Those reasons and red flags I kept ignoring, because I kept ignoring them out of fear of abandonment. I have been very reluctant in the past on deleting my Facebook because of this as well, even though I know that I absolutely hate the platform and how degraded it became. I wasn't feeling as connected to those friends because there wasn't an awful lot of progression or building between us that was continuing. I have tried as many times as well, to offer alternate sources for us to continue communication; Discord, SMS, Phone Numbers .etc

I just felt like I was talking into a void a lot of the time. Yet this was also something I ignored too and internally, everything going on just simply wasn't doing it for me anymore. I wasn't sure if it was a me-thing or a them-thing and I didn't want to wildly place blame on anyone. This was something I did back in 2013 and it went about as well as you expect - horrible.

This internal conflict carried on for years. Nothing I tried seemed to work and me not being there anymore with them only harmed any chances of strengthening the bond we all once had. I accept that I've soft-locked myself out of Vermont because the affordability rates there are just ridiculous. And planning visits there would have to be pretty meticulous as well considering the economy we're in. This is pretty much life, unfortunately.

I have been in therapy since 2023 and it has really enlightened me on many things and given me some tools to use to navigate some of these tough hardships. The therapist I'm with now, has helped guide me through the difficult and complicated aftermath of cutting my father out. She is someone who deserves quite a credit for all of the help and assistance. She has also shined the light on how I need to prioritize more of self-care and self-love. A matter of which I am currently trying to find ways in achieving. It is going to take quite some time getting to.

Because I am a self-loathing individual. There are many things in my life that I feel I haven't forgiven myself for and having difficulty un-pausing my life from having it filled with lots of constraints. I would say that I have had some opportunity in the past to at least better my life a little than what reality has on the records. I am also of course introverted and anything and nearly everything I've tried doing in my life has been for my own survival. As it was ingrained to me that through all of my hardships, shortcomings and ugly fallouts, I had to take paths for my own security at times.

I've tried helping people many times before, but nearly all of my solutions were meant to work for me. I've done so many things at my expense for others, they don't even realize.

So I think it is time, I feel, that I prioritize myself more than ever. I've made moves that I didn't think I'd make, yet, there's a difference. I no longer feel that regretful or reluctant as times before, where I gave people the impression that is the yo-yo effect, where you're back and forth on someone. Aside from my mental issues, aside from certain circumstances that complicate previous decisions before.

I will no longer toy with such manners. Whatever I do, after much thought and process, I will do for my sake. Some manners and matters will be swift, though have the same conclusion. However they will be handled - it will be final. This. Era. Is. Mine.