Well, it's been a while since I had a good old rant/ramble on here, might as well get this one over with. Things may not flow in a particular order, this is just me trying to get shit out of my system.

So since my last rant, my mental health improved, to the point where I found a partner, though sadly that was not to last. Though somethings never do.

I have found myself looking at chapters in my life, that are still open and should have been closed a long time ago, which is why I have been removing submissions. Closing them is something that needed to be done and it's taken every ounce of strength to do it.
In fact, so much strength that my mental health has relapsed, not to the degree of 2017, though it has come close, very close.

Recently I was asked what true love meant to me, an odd question by all accounts, but I did think back to my partner in 2016. He was everything, absolutely everything, I could have ever wanted in a partner. Anyways my response was as follows:
"I would look at him, and no matter how annoyed I was or upset I was, just looking at him melted all those feelings away and made me smile. When I held him in my arms, I felt whole and complete. When I kissed him, my stomach would fill with butterflies. If either of us was poorly then we would rub noses rather than a kiss, so we didn't make the other poorly. I was proud to hold his hand in public. When he wasn't there, my world wasn't complete... that's just the tip of it"
But then this person asked when the breakup happened, my response was:
"I was so lost in life, I felt like a failure to my little ones, as I couldn't even complete a family for them"

This is where I find myself at this moment, I am lost and I feel like a failure, I feel like I am letting my little ones down and there is nothing I can do to change it. I push myself harder and harder to try and make up for my failures, but I just cannot shake the feeling of failure. Every path I go down comes to a dead end and I cannot find the path I need to take.

Due to the mental health relapse, I have found myself attacking things about myself that I cannot change, namely my age. When I look on dating sites and such, I find it littered with 18, 19, 20, etc, and then I look at me, someone who is 33, for some of them I was in college when they were born. Then when they are close to my age 28+ they just don't bother talking or live stupidly far away. Yes, I am only looking within the fandom for a partner, simply because I went to try a relationship with a non-furry and... yeah that had a very very odd talk that I never want to repeat.

Shit, I have just thought, I haven't had sex in a year... pawing doesn't count. Though I think that is something that I am missing so so much, just physical contact with someone, not even for sex, just the intimacy, you know hugging, kissing, enjoying each other's company, etc.

So, where am I at with this relapse, well the hardest part has been and gone, the darkest part I managed to get through, with my guiding light. Though I am not out of the woods yet, never really will be, as the relapses will happen till I die, just it will be longer between each relapse. Though the odd part is that I am not dreaming, even nightmares are gone, so this concerns me as the last time this happened I was plagued with nightmares, for months afterwards.

I say nightmares, though more memories trying to break through, of when I tried to end it all, I do not have a full memory of what happened. It would appear that my brain locked them up, though slowly over time, they are breaking free. I fear that if I remember the whole event, I will be mentally broken beyond repair.

I guess you could wrap this up to the ramblings of a lonely old tiger, though I need to get to the bottom of my mental health relapse, so I may come back to this and expand on things.

That's all for now.

Kenai