so, second (maybe third?) time writing this journal because the first time I wrote it, I got so sick I couldn't finish and post it then went back into hospital for more tests and yadda yadda. Boo.

I have no diagnosis, no true solutions and I am still deeply, gravely ill. Constantly. This has become just part of my life now, weak, bed bound mostly and so many hours spent in the bathroom curled over in agony. It's just part of my life. It's not really any way to live, hell, it's not even anyway to die. I'd rather go out fighting than this slow decline into fragility. I am trying to be brave, and I force myself to leave the house at least once a week to sit with friends at my local game place (because holding a 2 inch tyranid in my hands while people talk about space wars is about as much as I can handle with a smile on my face). I don't want to die alone in the bathtub surrounded by medication, oddly enough, which seems a stark contrast to what the health system would prefer I do rather than 'hassle' them.

While in hospital, I was treated so poorly. I was originally going to explain more of it, but I am actually traumatized. And I don't want to. So much so its awoken past, unrelated trauma for me I mainly forgotten about, such as witnessing a plane crash when I was young which now constantly comes back to me in nightmares. Other events in my life are coming back as well, long repressed. What the hospital did to me that night is going to fester in me for so long, and many of you might chant 'sue them!!!' or take legal action, however when telling my family about it OH BOY turns out my mother had something pretty much the EXACT same shit happen to her when she was my age. And despite taking legal action and trying to get a resolution, all that did was waste her time and money and leave her more broken (emotionally and physically even) than before, which, no doubt, was in fact the plan for most of these hospital legal disputes. They wear you down till you give up. It also comes down to your word against the 'professional' word. Even though I have literal video and photo evidence of me being left in blood soaked gowns and I know their documents state what they did to me; Because I found my folder sitting on the desk and flicked through it and read their patient notes before they spotted me. I was actually shocked how there was more action to stop me reading my file than there was to help other people around me on the ward.

People were screaming in agony on my ward, rolling on the floor in bodily fluids and were ignored, but me holding a blue folder had them rushing out their seats, all up in fucking arms.
I took time to sit with the other patients and talk about what medication they were taking, what kind of food and drink they were being given (because i noticed some were literally not getting any water refills) and helping them as best I could. One patient asked me 'How long have you worked here?' and the heartbreak on her face when I had to explain that, no, I am a patient too; ooooh that stark realization that the only person who had given her a moment of time and care wasn't even meant to? Yeah, that's going to colour my outlook on life forever. And my lard ass is not going back to hospital unless its completely unconscious or in a body bag. Preferably the latter.

I duno what else to say. I'm sorry to my five last long overdue orders on my website, and to my kind commissioners who are waiting for their nice artwork scans (shits legit my best work IMO, i got really good at pencil work during covid me thinks). I will do what I can as soon as I can, know that I would much rather be making dildos, drawing furry stuff and creating cute silly things for you all than what I am currently doing (which is lying on the cold hard floor). Some days are good (with loads of pills which results in other issues) and some are so unfathomably bad. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, I truly wouldn't. It also brings out my mental disabilities, the autism is so repressed and rears up, people are always shocked by that. You shouldn't be, anyone who crossed 5 words with me should know lol

Eh, least Im reading and writing a lot more when I can, 40k books have been really fun, especially enjoying all of Guillimans adventures since he woke up, and Avatar 3 to look forward to in Dec! Oh boy oh boy I love blue people in space, I sure do. dee da dee daaa deeeeeee

tell me if your excited about avatar 3 in the comments, or what armies you have in aos or 40k or HH too. I would like to read :> yee