A quick disclaimer... I am very scatterbrained and often difficult (that's an understatement) to follow. I'm also often in the mood for flowery story-telling, especially when it involves pouring my thoughts out on paper, or PC. If I've retained your interest this far, read on. If this doesn't sound like your particular flavor of coffee, feel free to click away...

Life has been a roller-coaster ride these last several months. For those not familiar with my situation, here's the skinny... I'm a Mechanical Engineering who quit his last job for medical reasons. In short, they were overworking me to the point of putting me in the hospital for stress-related illnesses... That said, against the STRONG behest of my father, I quit without having secured another job first. To those asking "Why didn't you find another job first?", the answer is simple: I had NO time. My day consisted of work, eat, sleep. That was LITERALLY all I had energy for. My weekends were spend cleaning up my apartment from the messes made throughout the week, and some me time at the race-kart track and sometimes watching TV, among some other unmentionables... Anything I did that was not work related, was either limited "me time" to help me re-center myself for the incoming work-week onslaught, or helping out friends locally while I was living up in the greater Dallas area...

As I began to run out of funds, my spending spiraled out of control and I put myself into some serious debt. Not as bad as it could be, but mind you, 5 figures none-the-less... After breaking down and finally allowing my father to help me by moving in with his new step-wife (we'll get to that in a paragraph) and him, I packed up and moved to greater San Antonio: my hometown. I must admit this: his offer was generous (free rent, just help out with errands and requests and whatnot), but it has come at a HEAVY price...

Firstly... the step-wife... Understand that my mother died of cancer nearly 2 years ago (January 1st, 2010). I was fortunate enough to be with her when she passed after a lengthy battle, but I suffered emotionally, quietly, for a long time. Though her death was the single greatest tragedy I have yet faced, she did leave me with a renewed and revised outlook on life: to never take life at leisure; to always make the most of what you can. I'm still struggling with living that motto every day, but it has never left my mind and never will... Anyways, the step-mom... Thru rumors and double-talkings with family and friends, I found out pops had begun dating her even when Mom had cancer (towards the end). Negating the fact that that's FUCKED up (though i do understand why he did it), it was wrong of him to do. But that's not my problem with her, though she SHOULD have said "This isn't right. We should stop and take is much slower."... My problem with her is her ignorance... She is a kind-hearted, hopeless romantic (much like me, mind you) IGNORANT woman who's sole mission in life is to live in the past... She refuses to learn new things and feels that those that do not see her way and follow the "word of God" are sinners and deserve whatever punishment she and the Lord can dish out.... I don't mind her living the way she does; everyone is entitled to; it's what makes this country great and it's every person's right to have opinions and wants and needs that are unique to them... No, what bothers me is that she IS ignorant and CHOOSES to not understand the other side of the story. Namely me and how I work. As a new mother-figure, I don't think I'm asking too much to TRY to learn me. Especially when I extend her the same courtesy I do with all new folks. I, personally, always listen to others and try my darndest to understand them. I may not agree, but I will respect their opinion and their boundaries... So long as they return the favor. Which she doesn't.

On top of dealing with a new step-mother in HER home, my father is throwing a whole new emotional wrench in my spokes... First some background on him... He's an IGNORANT, self-centered, socially-inept, specialist who follows the crowds because it "seems right" to him. Example: he bought the exact same car his new step-wife drives. Not because it's a decent car, but because he has no opinion of his own and is afraid to voice his own thoughts for fear of losing close ones around him... Again, I'm all for compromise and finding the middle ground, but when you CHOOSE to become angry when your son is trying to talk, REALLY talk to you and tell you how he feels and what's on his mind (mind you, he asks constantly "What's up son?"), there's something seriously fucked up with you as a father figure. He's always been the one to financially support the family, and nothing else. It's only recently that I've come to that realization. That said, he doesn't know how to talk to me. How to really be himself and open up, and even he sees himself as a "Dog that can't learn new tricks." Once again: willful ignorance... In a word: unacceptable. Once again, I've tried to listen to him and see his side of the story. Sadly, he's usually wrong and I am forced to point out what's actually correct. And THAT's when the sh*t hit's the proverbial fan... He can't STAND to hear the truth, either about him, or me, or my BF (yes, I came out to him last Thanksgiving and he's still dealing with that), or anything he thinks is right because "That's the way it's always been." X-( Instead of trying to see my side of the story and either consider it and respectfully work towards a solution, he shuts down and becomes angry, and bitter, and storms off and acts like a real Jackass... An appropriate use of the word, if there ever was one.

Now after getting out of the ER for stress related illness yet again ($5000 bill, BTW), I'm no closer to locating a new job, mechanical engineering or otherwise, and I'm dealing with little emotional support all around. ....
The only ray of sunshine throughout this whole process has been my wonderful, but also scatterbrained, Boyfriend. My loving Mate. The reason for all the pain I've endured and will willingly continue to put myself thru. He makes everything right. He makes me feel like no other that has come before him. He is the pinnacle of love for me. There really is no-one else out there that understand me and picks me up, and makes me feel as happy and just holding his hand *tears*. I can barely type with my eyes watering behind these sunken, baggy crows-feet I'm surely getting... But I digress, my loving mate is worth any amount of pain to me. Because I know, in the end, I will finally be able to move-in with him, and create the dream life I've always wanted. To have a wonderful, funny, caring and supporting Love to come home to every day. To have a nice, BIG home, hand-built on a large plot of land to enjoy and cultivate and nurture. To have my dream car ('95 Supra) in perfect (and HIGHLY modified, BTW) running condition, driving across the country, thru Europe, Asia, and back home, all while having my mate by my side to enjoy the views, the people, and life itself for all it's worth. That's my dream. Having and playing music is a bonus, but a side-dream that will slowly take shape among the long journey I have ahead of me...

To those of you who actually read thru my whole first LONG rant... Thank you. I hope I inspired you to dream big and never compromise those dreams. To reach for all you truly want and then use all you have to reach those dreams... Take time for yourself, and ask "What do I really want out of life? What is truly important to me? What is right and good and just? What is worth fighting for till the very end?" Find the answers and never forget why you exist in this tiny, cosmic orgasm that is the universe: To Live.

It is with a heavy heart, that I must now end my journal. Thanks again for taking the time. I wish you well on your own journey. May our paths cross one day... And a special shout-out to my dearest Love. :-* You are always in my thoughts, and you are the blood that keeps my heart pumping each day.

Peace, Love, and Music
Laeonis