3 years, and a long long downward darkness in my life. i have hurt so many people around me trying to make myself whole at any cost. i have pushed away people that have made me feel loved and been silent about those feelings becuase to expose those would push me a little further into a place that i done want to be. there are a few people that i have cut away from my life, who have chosen to build a network of lies and those that believe those things, despite not even telling the whole truth. but hey if your life is better then go about telling those lies.

there are a handful of people who i have expressed my love for. and its put me in a place where i cant even espress myself anymore without fearing rejection. I have literally spend tens of thousands of dollars on people trying to help and even more to find anything for someone to stop and understand all i want is to be held and loved. id would do anything to close my world and be happy. there are less then 3 people in my life that make it day to day worth waking up. i have one had to cut people off my facebook becuase seeing them doing things i cant do or they have told me in confidence, that there cant be anything between them. but then i watch them do the exact same thing with others and the list goes on, that im not a dom, that i dont have any more money, or even that i dont belong in their circle. my flaws outway my pros, i cant do bars, i have extreme anxiety now, i have a extreme distrust of everyone now becuase i have been burnt by literally everyone i know. and its crushing.

Racs is me, i am racs, i need the emotional closeness, i want someone to sit there and tell them how horrible i am that i cant feel whole. i tried to do new years last year and i spent over 2 hours crying becuase i loved my mate so much that i had to let go of those feelings or i was literally going to destroy myself after a year of severe depression loosing her in my life. my rock. all i ask is to feel loved.

to make matters more complicates i see somoene who i have feelings for posting stuff, and i want to say, hey could we have that as friends. to have just that as friends and keep our friendship and still keep our friendship as it was. but im told that becuase i need the emotional connection. they dont want that. so im stuck outside that world watching everyone else having those oppurtunities. and im remain feeling alone. i love you. you know who you are.i miss you. i needed a safe place to vent.