Sanguine

Every furry convention I've attended since 2019 has had a profound affect on me, usually emotionally. I don't usually get post-con depression, but recently conventions have left me feeling rather soulless. The first conventions I attended in 2019 and 2020 were incredible; the atmosphere was surreal and there were so many wonderful people I got to meet and hang out with. But recently, conventions have become a reminder of my current state of being: overworked, antisocial, and without passion or character.

Another Fur Con (AFC) just ended and I left feeling rather frustrated with myself. The con friends I had in 2019/2020 no longer attend the cons I do for various reasons I haven't been socializing enough to connect with new faces to enjoy conventions with. I would partially blame this on getting a job in 2022, but the real cause is how work tires me out and I feel compelled to "unwind" by playing video games. This has led to a vicious cycle of work -> game -> sleep -> repeat, with no socialization or hobbies out side of it. This has been going since I started work 3 years ago. At this point I feel disconnected from my old friend circles which are now filled with unfamiliar faces.

Even my furry OCs have been neglected during this time. I've enjoyed getting art for Sanguine, but the character I use at Cons hasnt been touched in years outside of commissioning con badges. With both of my characters, my anthro especially, I feel fairly disconnected from personally. I never really designed personalities for them, and with my life being so focused on work and games I feel like I've lost all sense of personality within myself. On top of that I've always been anxious to express myself in case it offends others, so most cons I end up being a zombie walking around searching for friends to tag along with.

There was one interesting fact mentioned at the Kigurumi Kagetsu panel that resonated with me. In the west, furries like to create character which represent themselves so they can become a furry version of themselves. In the east, furries like having characters different than themselves so they can become someone else when playing the character. In retrospect, I think I've been treating Sanguine like the latter: not representative of me personally, but a fun character to embody. In fact, for about a year now I've been debating getting a fursuit made for Sanguine as a way to become him during cons rather than be my normal self.

All that said I'm considering the following steps to better myself mentally and socially:
- Get a therapist. I've been putting this off for too long and having professional help will probably accelerate me to a better spot.
- Commission a fursuit of Sanguine. I believe having a suit of Sanguine for conventions will make me feel more free and less anxious.
- Refine my OCs, build personalities and commission more artwork. This should give me a bit more room to "role play" as my OCs at cons.
- Connecting with more furries, both local and online. I need to rebuild the social network I had back in my golden age of cons from 2019.

This journal is mostly a way to dump my emotions. I suppose part of me is hoping this journal will give me a lifeline from a follow to adopt me into some social groups. Well... thanks for reading...