I've found many people these last weeks or months in the fandom that make my life and the fandom enjoyable when I talk to them.

Especially 8 furs from my country and a certain group of German furs (You will know if you are part of those).

It's just a crazy experience that I actually after all those years have people I can talk to..

But.. that also makes me remember how it was before for me and how the past still affects me.

It was nice lately, yet hard at the same time. Thoughts coming in from the left, from the right, from everywhere..

Simple but painful thoughts that like usual make me cry if I think too much about it, wich happens almost every day.
Thoughts like how lucky I feel to finallly after all those years have friends. Litterally friends. And not people that just pretend and then stab me in my back.

It hurts so much still to think about what problems I still have and about all those things and people I lost, who I won't have back.. It makes me want to rewind everything, but if I could do it I would have to go through all this, but I won't let all that stuff have another shot at me to try to kill me again. Not again.

It was just too much.
It still is too much.

It makes me sad. All the time. All day. Every week.

It eats me up from the inside after beeing hurt for all those years.

Oddly, I like to make people laugh and smile.. even if I often have to fake a smile or fake happiness in general.

I try. I try really hard... but there is that fear of beeing rejected again. And I won't live through such a massive rejection again if it ever happens again. When I joined the fandom I got really happy and got alot of confidence back, but at the same time this was simply me giving myself one last chance to find happiness, wich for now is still going, wich is good.

But what many don't know is that I am afraid.. I am afraid and hurt inside me.. And this won't go away for a still very long time yet...


That's all I had to confess for now..

Thank you.
Much love.

Scratch