It's been a LOOOOooonG time since I posted a journal on here, and a lot has happened.

Most predominantly, I lost my father a week ago to a sudden and unexpected heart attack. He was put into a vegetative coma with crippling brain damage, and the doctors expected him to never really wake up. There was a point when his eyes opened, but there was nothing behind them; my father had gone with the heart attack, leaving this struggling, failing shell. We removed him from life support on Monday afternoon, and took him almost a half hour to finally pass. I stood by his side the entire time and watched as the pulse monitor flatlined. And then I lost my shit.

I feel utterly shattered. He was the only person I ever really trusted. I miss him so badly, and never was able to tell him so many things. Nothing life-changing, like my sexuality or my secret life choices. No, I mean the simple things. I never had the chance to really, truly say "I love you" and MEAN it. I feel so guilty and angry and lost.