We spend our entire childhood being taught all of the things needed to be hardworking, honest, loving, supportive and a million other things. I was always told that no matter where you end up in life the two things you always need to hold on to is your self respect and your ability to care about others. It has not always been easy to walk that line while swallowing my pride still being able to hold on to my self respect. Honestly even having self respect has been a constant struggle for me. As I am sitting here today looking around at my life and everything in it that I have given my all just to have I am actually sitting here extremely depressed. This isn't a new feeling for me but one that I have been feeling for almost two years now. The silence moments alone just help the depression scream louder inside of my head. WHY DO YOU CONTINUE TO LET YOURSELF FEEL THIS WAY!!! This is one of the loudest statements that I have to response to even though I already know that answer. Yelling the answer out loud or even in my head doesn't calm down the scream or even give me a moment of relief. The fact remains the same that everyday I wake up trying my all to be all of those things that I was taught as a child and still not be worthy of the one thing that I carve the most the one thing that makes every struggle worth it. Why can't I have it? Why am I not good enough? All things that I long to have answers to but will never fully receive the truth about. I continue to pick myself up and put on another smile doing all that I can to mask the pain to not allow others to see my weakness but for how much longer. Someday the mask will no longer fit and my smile will stay broken my weaknesses will fully be exposed. Today is not that day and I have not given up I will push the pain away once more and continue to hold on to hope. I am a good person I deserve more then this and someday the world will see it too.

I thought putting into words what I was feeling might help.