Hi. Long story short is I'm not doing great and I'm in dire need of the monies. Please consider donating or even just helping however you can. https://ko-fi.com/roguehusky

That's the short version because I really don't know how to even begin with the long version because it basically involves my entire life story up leading up to this current shitshow. But I'm gonna give it a shot anyway because I'm really running on fumes and don't know what else to do.

What is the main problem?
I have debt and expenses piling up that I can't afford anymore. Currently as I'm living at home with family this includes $400 for a monthly car loan, $120 monthly internet bill, and probably about $300 monthly in various extra expenses like pet foods and gas. The big stressful one is the car loan as my parent is co-signed on it and I promised I wouldn't let it fall behind and tank her credit.

Soooo, why have no monies?
I've been unemployed for a year now running on what little savings I had and what little I can pull in with commissions. Unfortunately I haven't been able to make it work. I work slowly, burn out quickly, and can't bring myself to set my prices unreasonably high to compensate for that. To make matters even worse, I can't afford my healthcare anymore and have left my depression and ADHD untreated for a full month now which makes finding the energy and push to get work done even harder.

Uhhhh... get a job?
Easier said than done. Were it easy for me to do I wouldn't resort to writing all this. My first three jobs were not great. I worked retail at a farm store for three years, damaging my back probably lifting heavy bags and dealing with batshit insane rural customers who thought I had an encyclopedic knowledge of all things farm for $8 an hour. Left that for patient sitting right about when covid hit as I heard it was a simple job that paid $15 an hour. It was not simple, it was psychological torture disguised as an elderly woman who wants to go the the bank at 2am and won't take no for an answer. I did this for another 3 years because I couldn't find work in my degree area (computer graphics) due to the fact that my podunk middle of nowhere degree is basically worthless and the reality is they barely taught me shit and the industry wants a lot more than I can provide. Not to mention the industry declined rapidly post covid and the whole "AI" fuckin bullshit which has basically made me give up hope on ever finding work in the area I studied. My third and most recent job was a season of landscaping work that I took just to escape the torture of patient sitting. It was an okay job. Made my back hurt more. However after hearing several of my co-workers attempt to sanewash the holocaust I decided not to return for another season.

sooo.... find a new job?
Well... I tried. Several times. Not as many as I should. Or as hard as I should. But I uhhh seem to have developed a traumatic response to job searching... I think? Usually this is how it goes: Open job listings. Scroll. Wow these are all retail/customer service positions that bring me back to the trauma of my first few jobs. I don't think I'm mentally capable of signing myself up for 40 hours a week of mental torture again. Not to mention the whole upload your resume, references, write us a personal kissass cover letter telling us how much we can bend you over and fuck you raw for corporate profit before you tap out all for chump change while holding health benefits over your head and.... yeah....

and anything else I feel extremely unqualified for and my stupid brain overthinks everything and imagines every way something can go wrong. It all overstimulates my brain so hard until I mentally shut down and do something like sleep or play a game to escape the stress and anxiety it causes. But it is also impossible to relax properly because I know there's a shitload of expenses creeping up on me and I NEED to do something about it.

So what now?
That's where I'm at and what I keep asking myself. That's why I'm writing all this. I don't know what to do. I've tried asking people close to me and really all they can suggest is "Try harder". So this is my call out to the fandom and great void of the internet: I'm lost and I need help. I need thoughts, ideas, helping hands. I need something because I don't know that I can do it by myself.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. Have a goob day, and remember to always be fren.