When we talk I feel so much better most of the time, you can always give me that smile I need to get me through the rest of my bullshit, my everyday problems that cause me sadness and poor moods..

I don't think I could express properly the ways you make me feel better, even though things are the way they are, and I feel so lost in my own head. Things between us are not what I feel they should be... I am trying so hard to not be a pressure upon you, if I only was there I would be the lifting breeze beneath your wings... I want to make you fly... the way I see you fly in my dreams...

I know this is all probably everything you said to me in letters and notes and journals and blogs and books and posts during the time when I was supposed to be seeing them but wasn't... I know it doesn't make up for the things I have done in the past, but I feel like writing here will help... Since I don't want to blow you up over our other forms of communication. I know that your life has become too full for any kind of useless bullshit, for any kind of extra pressure or shit to worry about... You don't need another thing to think about especially if you can trust in the fact of its security. I know I couldn't ask you to be mine again because I know that the physical distance would not change. and yes that would cause me stress, and worry and panic and insanity...

You are saving me from myself in that aspect... and I thank you for that... no one else in this world would think about that... but you do. I know that all of this is extremely overdue, and that I may be just blowing hot hair at something that wont float. I know that I am needed for a fixed point, that, "Last man Standing" position, the bring you back from the edge man...

(I don't know what im trying to say, im just trying to help you see into my mind)

I don't know what is irrelevant when it comes to the things I say, I feel like everything I say to you I say not because it just fills in space, but because I only speak to you about things that involve us when I am seriously emotionally wrecked by it. I take everything you say very personally because I care about what you think because I want you...

I feel guilty for hounding after you about sex, I feel so bad that it makes me not want to tell you, and then it comes out at other bitches(well, it has in the past) and now, I am filled with so much guilt that I have lost my tongue, and at the same time, you say, its ok, just say it... but I can tell if you are just blowing it off, yeah it may be allowed, but if you aren't hearing it and thinking about it, I shouldn't say it... (atleast, that is how I feel...)

I'm rambling and not making sense aren't I? I dunno... I love you so fucking much that it kills me if you even ignore the little things I say, I want you to hear everything I say and think about it as hard as I think about what you say...

I am actually really sad right now, outside I look just neutral, not happy or sad but... I really am(figuratively) dying on the inside...

Please don't take me as a problem, I am trying to be a better piece of your life... I know that you have told me to do me for me because I need to... you say go get it, you say fuck other bitches, you say don't worry about me...

All that makes me do is worry more about you, and every single second you spend not speaking to me, every moment that isn't mine to experience with you... im so scared that you will be pushed away by how hard I am trying to climb the walls I have contributed to you making, I fear that when it really comes time for my shot, youll be too far for me to bring back...

I'm so scared...

I'm so scared...

I'm so scared...

I love you more than I can express...

More than any amount of words on paper...

Or notes in a song....

Or paint on canvas...

Or beats of our hearts...
Together or separate...

I love you... and...

I know im late... I know im in a deep hole...

But I love you... and care for you and want to see you with a smile on your face...

I want that smile to be with me...

I'm sorry im still pushing... I know that is what this is... I cant help it....

I love you.... I really really do...