Hi for you all!

So sad to write about it, but my mental health now crumbling before my eyes with every new day. I do not know what I need to do to take myself in my own hands, I am full of fear, hate of myself and anxiety of every thing I do and every words I say to my dearest friends and parents.
The main problem is that my parents are not believing that people have mental problems. They just saying “nah, it is only your imagination, go find boyfriend, have sex with him, make children and everything gonna be okay after that”. They know that I am afraid of having relationship with mans after one story in school, they now my fear of them and myself, but they do not know that I have girlfriend. If they’ll know… well, all is gonna be very sad about that their daughter having “fun” with another girl. Saying me that they wanted me to be married, wanted childrens from me is killing me every day.
With this problem goes another one. I do not like how I drew, do not like the style I drew, do not like the time I spend to one drawing. When normal people drew one art for like several hours, I spent days to say myslef “well, now it is looking not bad”. I redrawing, redrawing, trying to find the way I should go in my art, but there is a big black hole of minds. I am really sorry that this situations touches my commissions and YCHs, that you are all waiting for me. I am really glad you are all good people and understanding me, but I am feeling very, very bad of making you wait. I am trying my best and my arms are shaking right now I writing this message to journal.
With this all problems, minds and etc., I started to be a shitty person that angrying on people I be friends of. In last days the only words they are hearing from me that I do not want to live, do not want them to be friends with me and all my problems. If I trying to talk out to get some their help, I begin to fulfill by fear that all I said is a shit and can offend them, I just… feeling a lot of pain in my heart. I am really sorry that my girlfriend in love with me. She can find better person without such problems. I feel guilty to this.
My parents do not want to help me reach the psychotherapist, they do not want to help me with money about it. I do not have motivation to do something, I do not have motivation to live right now. The psychotherapist in my city costs around $50 for each meeting, it is a lot of money in Russia (for example I can live with this money for month), and flat rent costs $260 each month. For me it is better to save $50 for flat rent or food except of spending it to doctor. Idk what I gonna do in near future if I did not do something to feel better. The only tablets I can buy is some pills from the frantic rhythm of the heart and worry to just fall asleep.
If earlier PC games were helping me to get out bad thoughts, now it is not helping me anymore.

I am really sorry before all of you. I am trying to draw, trying to do something to get out from this Hell and it is very hard for me.
I need a little more hiatus. Sorry for being an useless piece of shit.
I will try to give all of my commissions in near 2-3 months, at least I will return money if will feeling myself not able to do something.