Hey guys. long time no see. I guess Ill try to keep this brief, I don't think you guys would like to read a whole novel of a journal. Anyway, lately my life has become a complete shit show. All of this started about a month back but this week has really brought me to the razors edge (not literally thank god) but everything is getting to me pretty much. Let me break this down bit by bit, 6 tests in one week one of them being a final and I have no idea what is on it (because I am an idiot when it comes to math), insane amounts of homework,Ii got into none of the classes I need for next semester and I haven't slept in days. If school hell isn't bad enough, theres a lot of problems with depression within my friend group. One friend lost his life long love, another is struggling to come to terms with rape and abuse and the third i have no idea anymore... But now ill get to the real root and the purpose for this journal, one of the biggest things on my mind is how about a month ago I got completely told off by the last friend just for checking up on him and being there for him. His way of dealing with is depression is shutting everyone out and handling it by himself which makes me worry tremendously so i wanted to let him know he has people there for him. Also as a side note, I like this guy, like a lot and we just started to become closer than ever (also kinda killing me that I can't express my real feelings because i know he doesn't like me back) then he basically told me flat out to fuck off. He thinks I took it well but he doesn't now it completely crushed me. I didn't eat for a week nor did I care about my own wellbeing at all. And i had a bunch of time to think and be mad and sad an all that stuff all while trying to balance school, home, and helping my other friends. And it reeeeeeally started to get to me when every night i would get messages from my other friends saying they just want to end it. I love my friends dearly so i try to be there for them as much as I can to let them know they have someone. But its basically been degrading me to a husk with a mix of worry about grades and losing the best things that ever happened to me. So I've developed a type of pseudo depression of some sorts where i just don't feel. And finally heres my point (thanks to the guys who stuck through it) I've probably had the worst month of my life, but how does that stack up? My first friend who for anonymity sakes ill call Tina, has had clinical depression and PTSD since 13, SHE IS 19 NOW! she lived with feelings like this for 6 years and I'm struggling at one month. And look at someone like Kay. I don't know them personally but I've been keeping up to date at their situation and all i want to do is just go to wherever they are and stick by there side until the end no matter what. And after seeing Kay's situation and how they feel like they have no one, it makes me feel terribly guilty about not being there for my other friend for this path month. Ive just been a pissy bitch saying "if he wants help he can come get it, I'm done trying". Even though he broke my heart i should be there. So now i sit here on my bed, a work swamped, depressed, skinny husk of a former guy feeling bad about feeling bad. My question is should i just stop feeling and look at how good i have it compared to the people I'm trying to help? I may be going through hell, but if i am than they must be going through it twice.should i put my remaining energy i have into making their lives better. To finish this off i want to say i don't care about myself, so i just don't take care of myself. I don't know if to constitutes as self harm in this case but i don't care. My idea is if i can put the energy I use on myself to help the people who are really suffering than ill live a good life. Everyone out there going through severe times, remember you're never, ever alone. There is 7 billion people in this world, there will always be someone on this earth for you, no matter what. Either a friend or lover or even a pet. Just always hang in there