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Is it ok to feel bad about feeling bad?
9 years ago
A sound soul, dwells within a sound mind, and a sound body.
Hey guys. long time no see. I guess Ill try to keep this brief, I don't think you guys would like to read a whole novel of a journal. Anyway, lately my life has become a complete shit show. All of this started about a month back but this week has really brought me to the razors edge (not literally thank god) but everything is getting to me pretty much. Let me break this down bit by bit, 6 tests in one week one of them being a final and I have no idea what is on it (because I am an idiot when it comes to math), insane amounts of homework,Ii got into none of the classes I need for next semester and I haven't slept in days. If school hell isn't bad enough, theres a lot of problems with depression within my friend group. One friend lost his life long love, another is struggling to come to terms with rape and abuse and the third i have no idea anymore... But now ill get to the real root and the purpose for this journal, one of the biggest things on my mind is how about a month ago I got completely told off by the last friend just for checking up on him and being there for him. His way of dealing with is depression is shutting everyone out and handling it by himself which makes me worry tremendously so i wanted to let him know he has people there for him. Also as a side note, I like this guy, like a lot and we just started to become closer than ever (also kinda killing me that I can't express my real feelings because i know he doesn't like me back) then he basically told me flat out to fuck off. He thinks I took it well but he doesn't now it completely crushed me. I didn't eat for a week nor did I care about my own wellbeing at all. And i had a bunch of time to think and be mad and sad an all that stuff all while trying to balance school, home, and helping my other friends. And it reeeeeeally started to get to me when every night i would get messages from my other friends saying they just want to end it. I love my friends dearly so i try to be there for them as much as I can to let them know they have someone. But its basically been degrading me to a husk with a mix of worry about grades and losing the best things that ever happened to me. So I've developed a type of pseudo depression of some sorts where i just don't feel. And finally heres my point (thanks to the guys who stuck through it) I've probably had the worst month of my life, but how does that stack up? My first friend who for anonymity sakes ill call Tina, has had clinical depression and PTSD since 13, SHE IS 19 NOW! she lived with feelings like this for 6 years and I'm struggling at one month. And look at someone like Kay. I don't know them personally but I've been keeping up to date at their situation and all i want to do is just go to wherever they are and stick by there side until the end no matter what. And after seeing Kay's situation and how they feel like they have no one, it makes me feel terribly guilty about not being there for my other friend for this path month. Ive just been a pissy bitch saying "if he wants help he can come get it, I'm done trying". Even though he broke my heart i should be there. So now i sit here on my bed, a work swamped, depressed, skinny husk of a former guy feeling bad about feeling bad. My question is should i just stop feeling and look at how good i have it compared to the people I'm trying to help? I may be going through hell, but if i am than they must be going through it twice.should i put my remaining energy i have into making their lives better. To finish this off i want to say i don't care about myself, so i just don't take care of myself. I don't know if to constitutes as self harm in this case but i don't care. My idea is if i can put the energy I use on myself to help the people who are really suffering than ill live a good life. Everyone out there going through severe times, remember you're never, ever alone. There is 7 billion people in this world, there will always be someone on this earth for you, no matter what. Either a friend or lover or even a pet. Just always hang in there
The first thing is that you can't help anyone if you are not right with yourself.I've been there, I've done what you're doing now, and it turns out when you try to ignore your own feelings and focus solely on others, you start to lose yourself. Things get dark quickly and then you have the potential to do more harm then good.
That being said, yeah, you shouldn't ignore your friends. But it isn't fair of them to rely solely on you. Nor is it fair for them for you to be the only one they go to. You want to help, but the problem is that you don't know fully how to help. You're in college. Sure, you can be a good friend, but it sounds like your friends need professionals in the field. Encourage them to seek professional help if you are really worried about them, while still making it clear that you will be there for them if they need you. This part may be tricky since you don't want to put them on the defensive, but try mentioning it encouragingly.
On top of that, recognize that survivors guilt is actually a real thing, and it sounds like you are experiencing a form of that. You shouldn't be comparing yourself to others. Yes, others have gone through some really tough times, but just because someone else has had a rough time doesn't mean your thoughts and opinions aren't valid. You're feeling stressed and scared, and you have a right to feel that way. Life is scary and stressful. Allow yourself to feel those emotions so that you can come to terms with them and learn how to address them. To conquer your fears and stress so that you can be there for the others that need you.
Again, I am sorry for the novel, but I just wanted to let you know that what you're feeling is valid. What I recommend is to try to surround yourself with friends and people who are a little more stable, while clearly not out casting your friends now. And definitely take care of yourself. What good will you be able to do if you dont? That's not helping anyone at all.
Hello there, you also don't know me. I'm a late 30's person that has been living with Severe Depression, Social Anxiety Disorder and PTSD from around the age of eight. So I too have kind of been there and done that because as you can imagine I've had people in my life that were going through tough times and tried to be there for them while dealing with my own stressors. Enough about myself.
So my advice which is similar to that posted above is pretty simple. First and foremost the moment you become overwhelmed in life it's time to cut out stressors. While it's noble and positive to have a desire to be there for your friends in a time of need there comes a point when the stress of trying to carry them through it impacts your own well being and it's time to know your limits. It's ok to limit contact to once a week or what ever you're most comfortable with. It's alright to distance for a time to protect your own well being. Think of it this way the only thing you realistically have any control over is your own life so be sure to take care of yourself first. Think of it as emotional triage.
I know I'm going to come across as a cold and unfeeling prick here however stick with me. If he blew you off then he has become his own problem at this point. Regardless of your feelings for him if he tells you to fuck off then fuck off. If he reaches a point where he realizes what he's done then he'll come to you and you can be careful about slowly letting him back into your life.
Life is stressful and it sounds like you have more than enough on your plate as it is without worrying about other peoples problems. Again, noble as it is help other people when it negatively impacts your own life it's time to step back and it sounds like you need to step back.
Not taking care of yourself is a sign. I get that way when I'm in a blue funk or stressed out. In my case it also ties into a deeply rooted self destructive streak that sees me sabotage positivity in my life by undermining my own needs and self image. Recognizing it is self harm is the first step; now recognize that you're not the only one that sees that in yourself and it can contribute both to your own inability to help those around yourself as well as making you a much less credible source of assistance since clearly you don't do what you say. In other words while you are there to listen the advice you give is more likely to be taken with a grain of salt since clearly it doesn't work for you, or you can't do it yourself. The best way to help is to start leading by example in that department.
I hope this helps and yes, I am saying some tough things to hear. Good luck and good health to you and your loved ones.
You can't turn off feelings; if you can than you have a serious issue that requires professional treatment, just needs to be said. Chances are that you'll just end up burying your feelings and then having to deal with damage from that.
Since I've had to type some more let me reiterate here that you are not a martyr and it's not ok to do so. Sure there is that notion of Karma, that idea that if you do good things in life then good things will happen to come your way; The reality that goes hand in hand with those philosophies is that you also have to take care of yourself and make an effort in your own life for your own well being. Often that very important part of the equation is left out like when people only recite the part of the quote like "An it harm none do what thou wilt" but they leave out that part about "An it harm some do what thou must". Because it's always important for one to look after themselves and take control over their own lives even if it means possibly causing harm i the name of self preservation. This does not mean causing harm to get ahead in life or that it is not a noble deed to run into a burning building to save someone but that these thing should be measured against your own abilities.
It sounds like you have a great deal of empathy for others, which doesn't make you a bad person. I admit to even being that way, as selfish and quiet as I appear to most. However, when your heart keeps telling you, "Don't walk away from him, help him!" that's where you can cross some very unhealthy boundaries, where it negatively impacts your time, sanity, and even money in your life. There's times where there's nothing else you can do for a person when they're constantly refusing help from others, honestly. You have to walk away and set your boundaries.
If you really want to get through school with flying colors and without stress, I'd also highly recommend focusing on relationships afterwards.. Friendships are fine, but ones where you're coming home to drama with a partner, or even a kid, you're not going to have a fun time. Save that for when you're settled in comfortably with a place of your own.
Until then, I'd recommend looking into some professional help so you can focus on school. Meds wouldn't hurt to look into if things become too overwhelming for you. Concerta's been a hell of a benefit to keep me focused in school, and Busebar for anxiety.