The couple recommendations I might give if you plan to audition with this piece for the masquerade are as follows:

Short-- is actually sort of good. A quickie skit that runs under 3 minutes will often get a preferential nod to one that might run over 3 minutes. We only have so much time to fill, and the competition to fill that ti me as you may be aware has increased with each year.

Dialogue -- Clean up the semantics and the language of the dialogue a little. I understand this is a 'rough draft' but it's a bit too rough. clean up the word choices and format sentences so they can "read" better as a script, therefore your actors can read and emote the lines rather than just speaking them.

Practice!! -- by Gods and all means practice before you come to show it off on stage at the masquerade audition saturday morning. get your gruop together thursday and friday and go through it and you, as the director can 'stage' it a little and also run lines a few times to get a "flow" and a"feel". The more practiced it looks the better chance it might win out against another group that "Just came together with a skit idea."

Broad Humor /Audience Appeal -- This skit/gag is based on Twilight which is not entirely un-known within the fandom, but will it "Play" to the widest possible audience that anthrocon masquerade now has? That's a bit trickier to figure and know. You may want to consider dialogue, or a "sight gag" or something that maybe ties it in with fursuiting, the fandom at large, anthrocon (or cons in of themselves) Just a small idea to let it play to the audience and it only has to be a line or two, not the entire script or scene.

Can I Help?? -- Probably NOT, I expect to be doing backstage staff for Masquerade. In my usual spot. I"ll assist you and your group getting up on stage. that is.. if you can pass the audition phase first. *muahahahhahaha*falls over*