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Story / Baby fur
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This came out way longer than I expected. At any rate, I'm really happy with how this one came out. Please tell me what you think in the comments section, I love and read all of your feedback. Thank you!
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In this part we have our hapless lion wake up, be given more freedom than he can be trusted with, and then begin to suffer the consequences.
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~~~
In this part we have our hapless lion wake up, be given more freedom than he can be trusted with, and then begin to suffer the consequences.
<<< PREV | FIRST | NEXT >>>
Category Story / Baby fur
Species Lion
Size 120 x 120px
File Size 71.2 kB
I must say, I liked this one quite a bit :) Seeing Josh acting sly and conniving (i.e. his true nature apparently) was really a lot of fun, especially considering the outcome of his "plan". The end had me slightly puzzled. Why is Windrifa in trouble for what Josh did? After all she caught him rather quickly. I definitely want to see where this is headed ;)
The only gripe I have is the sissification (is that even a word?) at the end; but that's just me. All in all a fun (and somewhat distrubing - the timeout oO) read! Keep up the good work :)
The only gripe I have is the sissification (is that even a word?) at the end; but that's just me. All in all a fun (and somewhat distrubing - the timeout oO) read! Keep up the good work :)
XD Windriafw is in trouble because there are set rules for how to deal with your children, and she gave him more freedom, too soon. You'll find more out on day 3 (Which, by the way, will be almost exclussively sissy reltatd XD. If that's not your thing, take a summary and skip it.
What was wrong with the sissification at the end? Do you just not like the theme in general, or is it the way I wrote it?
What was wrong with the sissification at the end? Do you just not like the theme in general, or is it the way I wrote it?
Heh. No worries
There was nothing wrong with the way you wrote it. I mean I do get why they make him wear pink stuff and such (breaking him, thus making the treatment more effective etc.). It's just that, well , sissification is not really my thing. I mean, I don't have a problem reading about it (so I won't skip anything) but I don't particularly enjoy it. Heh, maybe I'll have a different opinion after reading the next chapter, who knows? :P And if there's more background info about the organization, then I'm more than happy to read, because I find the idea quite fascinating in itself.
There was nothing wrong with the way you wrote it. I mean I do get why they make him wear pink stuff and such (breaking him, thus making the treatment more effective etc.). It's just that, well , sissification is not really my thing. I mean, I don't have a problem reading about it (so I won't skip anything) but I don't particularly enjoy it. Heh, maybe I'll have a different opinion after reading the next chapter, who knows? :P And if there's more background info about the organization, then I'm more than happy to read, because I find the idea quite fascinating in itself.
Hope you don't mind if I share with you here my thoughts in the story so far. I read it over the weekend and was supposed to leave a comment the same day, but in the end I forgot, sorry.
First, your writing style is a pleasure to read. The vocabulary is rich and diverse and the pacing knows how to keep the balance between observation, action, and dialogue. The main character's pov is subtly integrated without too many chippy remarks, allowing for a fluid read. For now, my major criticism would be that your work would greatly benefit from a quality control phase, where either you or someone else proofread it, as sometimes there are obvious typos or misplaced words left scattered in between.
Next the plot. Looking at what lies beyond the fact that this is a fetish work, the setup as it was established provides a promising background to explore, hinting at what lies ahead even in the odd chance of Josh managing to subdue his captor, and as the story unfolds the hints pile up on it being a fate even worse than his current one. All in all it contributes to making the story am enthralling piece.
The characters so far are just three, as the story is yet to need any more. I won't go into deep analysis here, the main character has the convenient independence that makes prediction of the conclusion a bigger challenge, while both birds act more as forces than as characters due to the main character's situation.
Overall a fun read, hope to see the continuation soon.
First, your writing style is a pleasure to read. The vocabulary is rich and diverse and the pacing knows how to keep the balance between observation, action, and dialogue. The main character's pov is subtly integrated without too many chippy remarks, allowing for a fluid read. For now, my major criticism would be that your work would greatly benefit from a quality control phase, where either you or someone else proofread it, as sometimes there are obvious typos or misplaced words left scattered in between.
Next the plot. Looking at what lies beyond the fact that this is a fetish work, the setup as it was established provides a promising background to explore, hinting at what lies ahead even in the odd chance of Josh managing to subdue his captor, and as the story unfolds the hints pile up on it being a fate even worse than his current one. All in all it contributes to making the story am enthralling piece.
The characters so far are just three, as the story is yet to need any more. I won't go into deep analysis here, the main character has the convenient independence that makes prediction of the conclusion a bigger challenge, while both birds act more as forces than as characters due to the main character's situation.
Overall a fun read, hope to see the continuation soon.
Thank you for the critique~ (This post may contain spoilers)
Yes, I'm aware of the grammar and typos. I believe I mentioned in a journal and/or submission comments that I would not be proofreading these part by part, and, instead, I would release a full, revised edition of the entire book when I've completed it. The reason for this is that I bloody hate editing, and it has happened before that I will get bogged down in it, and abandon a project. I would rather not do this, so, therefore, I'll do all the editing and proofing all at the end, and, if, by chance, it never gets done, the story is still up to read.
Yes, this is, as
creeo will testify (Huge thanks to him, he's getting an honorable mention at the begining of the book), as he has been forcing me to look past the fetish aspect, and keep going deeper and deeper with each plot. Th reason you have only thus far gotten hints, and no real facts, is because the serious info dumb chapters are days 4, 5, and 6, which have yet to be written.
The number of characters will gradually increase durring the story, but there will be a drastic increase on day 4, were I intend to introduce six new characters, (Only three that will get much interaction) and you may interpret that as you will.
I've fallen behind on my writing lately due to a myriad of factors, but I'll try to get it done soon, thank you for your support~
(Also, this may just be a shot in the dark, but, if I were to finish this, and get it nice and cleaned up, does anyone think they might like a hardcover copy of the book?)
Yes, I'm aware of the grammar and typos. I believe I mentioned in a journal and/or submission comments that I would not be proofreading these part by part, and, instead, I would release a full, revised edition of the entire book when I've completed it. The reason for this is that I bloody hate editing, and it has happened before that I will get bogged down in it, and abandon a project. I would rather not do this, so, therefore, I'll do all the editing and proofing all at the end, and, if, by chance, it never gets done, the story is still up to read.
Yes, this is, as
creeo will testify (Huge thanks to him, he's getting an honorable mention at the begining of the book), as he has been forcing me to look past the fetish aspect, and keep going deeper and deeper with each plot. Th reason you have only thus far gotten hints, and no real facts, is because the serious info dumb chapters are days 4, 5, and 6, which have yet to be written. The number of characters will gradually increase durring the story, but there will be a drastic increase on day 4, were I intend to introduce six new characters, (Only three that will get much interaction) and you may interpret that as you will.
I've fallen behind on my writing lately due to a myriad of factors, but I'll try to get it done soon, thank you for your support~
(Also, this may just be a shot in the dark, but, if I were to finish this, and get it nice and cleaned up, does anyone think they might like a hardcover copy of the book?)
Hello!
Just finished catching up on this story and I must say it is most compelling and I eagerly anticipate the next installment.
You might want to re-read them again. There were some word errors that the spell checker missed, mostly because you spelled the word correctly but used the wrong syntax. i.e. "where" instead of "wear" or "were" I also remember stumbling across an incomplete sentence...I think it was in the second part of Day 1. The phrase just stopped, like you were going to edit it or clean it up and you forgot to go back and change it. Finally, your use, or overuse, of metaphors and analogies was starting to become more of a distraction and less helpful in further illustrating the situation.
That's not all bad though. If this is a sign of your talents fresh and off the cuff, then reading through each chapter at least twice should allow you the opportunity to smooth the story out, correct your word and spelling errors, and who knows, maybe flesh out the story a little bit more.
Great job! You have talent and I encourage you to take pride in what you present that it is the very best you can do. I very much look forward to Day 3.
Swift
Just finished catching up on this story and I must say it is most compelling and I eagerly anticipate the next installment.
You might want to re-read them again. There were some word errors that the spell checker missed, mostly because you spelled the word correctly but used the wrong syntax. i.e. "where" instead of "wear" or "were" I also remember stumbling across an incomplete sentence...I think it was in the second part of Day 1. The phrase just stopped, like you were going to edit it or clean it up and you forgot to go back and change it. Finally, your use, or overuse, of metaphors and analogies was starting to become more of a distraction and less helpful in further illustrating the situation.
That's not all bad though. If this is a sign of your talents fresh and off the cuff, then reading through each chapter at least twice should allow you the opportunity to smooth the story out, correct your word and spelling errors, and who knows, maybe flesh out the story a little bit more.
Great job! You have talent and I encourage you to take pride in what you present that it is the very best you can do. I very much look forward to Day 3.
Swift
I read that the editing process bogs you down and has caused you to abandon works in the past. That happened to me also until i started to take each series of chapters, in my case, and treat them as one work. If you've read my "Lessons in Lace" stories, each day is a story into itself. I've stalled because I'm at a loss as to how to end it neatly...
*Hugs*
Swift
*Hugs*
Swift
First, thank you very much for the feedback, it's greatly appreciated~
I am aware of the word, syntactic and spelling errors in these pieces, and, like I said, editing frustrates me. I have this thing where it takes me just as long to re-read a piece after I've just written it, as my brain keeps trying to distract itself with irrelevant minutia, so, as a rule, I never edit a story until at least a month after I've written it. I would rather not wait a month between parts, so, for the sake of production speed, I'm just uploading it as soon as I finish, with maybe a cursory read-through at the maximum.
Know what, screw it. I'm going to edit and change all the upload files today. Thanks again, and, if you have any ideas for the story content wise, feel free to send me a message, I'm aware that my own ideas tend to make archetypes of themselves very quickly.
I am aware of the word, syntactic and spelling errors in these pieces, and, like I said, editing frustrates me. I have this thing where it takes me just as long to re-read a piece after I've just written it, as my brain keeps trying to distract itself with irrelevant minutia, so, as a rule, I never edit a story until at least a month after I've written it. I would rather not wait a month between parts, so, for the sake of production speed, I'm just uploading it as soon as I finish, with maybe a cursory read-through at the maximum.
Know what, screw it. I'm going to edit and change all the upload files today. Thanks again, and, if you have any ideas for the story content wise, feel free to send me a message, I'm aware that my own ideas tend to make archetypes of themselves very quickly.
I'd offer to help with the editing, but the last few stories I've edited turned into almost a complete re-write. I'm not 100% sure how to even begin to edit a story of someone with your talent. I'd likely correct word and spelling errors and make notes on parts of the story that I'd suggest you to remove, revisit, or expand on.
Writing is art. Through words we encourage the reader to paint the picture in their minds similar to the one we see as we're writing. For instance, in my case there were several times in the story where I wondered if the lion's mane had been shaved off. It was always a shaky point in visualizing the scene; does he have his mane or does he not?
Now that he's getting the "sissy" treatment it becomes even more important to the picture. How much of his adulthood and manhood has the main character retained?
Once you've established that, then you drop little reminders through the text; "She scratched him behind his ears where once his proud mane once hung."
I am also not sure of the lion's size often as I read. I don't recall reading that the main character's stature has changed, so I expect an adult male body being carried by the eagle, or enveloped under her wing. That's either a huge eagle...which would carry over to the size of the house, furniture, fixtures, the works...or Josh has been regressed in stature to bring the scale back closer to normal.
Another point I might make is the extent of the "Infant" punishment. The main character made two transgressions, three if you count breaking a promise, in the span of a few hours. If the caretaker is as intelligent as she seems, regardless of her sympathies for the lion, this "new' punishment should take more than 1 day. Josh has clearly shown that he is not yet broken and can not be trusted.
That's all I have for you ATM.
Thanks for being open minded and taking my comments the way they are meant.
*hugs*
Swift
Writing is art. Through words we encourage the reader to paint the picture in their minds similar to the one we see as we're writing. For instance, in my case there were several times in the story where I wondered if the lion's mane had been shaved off. It was always a shaky point in visualizing the scene; does he have his mane or does he not?
Now that he's getting the "sissy" treatment it becomes even more important to the picture. How much of his adulthood and manhood has the main character retained?
Once you've established that, then you drop little reminders through the text; "She scratched him behind his ears where once his proud mane once hung."
I am also not sure of the lion's size often as I read. I don't recall reading that the main character's stature has changed, so I expect an adult male body being carried by the eagle, or enveloped under her wing. That's either a huge eagle...which would carry over to the size of the house, furniture, fixtures, the works...or Josh has been regressed in stature to bring the scale back closer to normal.
Another point I might make is the extent of the "Infant" punishment. The main character made two transgressions, three if you count breaking a promise, in the span of a few hours. If the caretaker is as intelligent as she seems, regardless of her sympathies for the lion, this "new' punishment should take more than 1 day. Josh has clearly shown that he is not yet broken and can not be trusted.
That's all I have for you ATM.
Thanks for being open minded and taking my comments the way they are meant.
*hugs*
Swift
Thank you for the quick reply! Also, that's some fantastic advice right there.
The mane issue is something that I keep writing into my plans with "Talk about his missing mane," but never seem to be able to fit in without it feeling awkward. Tomorrow, as you've said, his appearance becomes everything, so it will 'fit' so to speak, if that makes any sense.
His size is approximately that of your average teenager, if slightly thicker at the chest and shoulders from a fair bit of strength training. Windrifa is taller than Josh, but much more heavily built in the chest and arms. The reason that she's able to carry him is for no other reason than because she is an eagle. Eagles are birds. Birds fly. Flying takes a huge amount of strength in the upper torso and biceps. So no, Josh has stayed exactly the same size, it's just Windrifa using her natural upper body strength that allows for her to carry him.
I plan to get more into the 'punishment' when I get more into the backgrounds of this universe. I don't like to spoiler, but I'll give you the key to quite a bit of information hidden in this chapter: the sissy treatment isn't a punishment; she's just using that as a justification. Look deeply into the dialogue of this part, specifically right at the end, and much will be revealed.
The mane issue is something that I keep writing into my plans with "Talk about his missing mane," but never seem to be able to fit in without it feeling awkward. Tomorrow, as you've said, his appearance becomes everything, so it will 'fit' so to speak, if that makes any sense.
His size is approximately that of your average teenager, if slightly thicker at the chest and shoulders from a fair bit of strength training. Windrifa is taller than Josh, but much more heavily built in the chest and arms. The reason that she's able to carry him is for no other reason than because she is an eagle. Eagles are birds. Birds fly. Flying takes a huge amount of strength in the upper torso and biceps. So no, Josh has stayed exactly the same size, it's just Windrifa using her natural upper body strength that allows for her to carry him.
I plan to get more into the 'punishment' when I get more into the backgrounds of this universe. I don't like to spoiler, but I'll give you the key to quite a bit of information hidden in this chapter: the sissy treatment isn't a punishment; she's just using that as a justification. Look deeply into the dialogue of this part, specifically right at the end, and much will be revealed.
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