mmm...
Can I help with anything? Do anything to ease the pain?

I wish I knew if you could. They have me on some new medication now, and as much as I loathe having to use it at all, but I need it as much as I need my glasses. I might survive without, but I would be blundering around miserably.

The emotional side is kind of its own thing, but it hasn't been helped much by the cognitive side going downhill as of late. I haven't found a doctor or a priest yet that can really tackle the concepts of what to do with a person that is unable to find faith or hope in the untestable and yet tries to find a way to justify enduring what they feel. MOre simply, like many I am afraid of dying but less for the idea of it being an end but more in that it makes everything worthless. IF the road ends in oblivion, then why is any progress or existence worthwhile? Without invoking gods, faith, or religion, how do you make a broken vessel whole again?

At present, the only thing that really holds me here is that I believe strongly in not transferring my pain to someone else. If I gave in and died, my family and friends would suffer, and as much as I hurt, that is worse still in my mind whether I exist at that moment or not. Its not the best thing, but its all I have. Certainly not for lack of trying alternatives though.

I have to say I mean no harm to anyone and their beliefs in any of what I have said. My views on religions and faith are probably odd and very scientific or at least mostly academic in a way.

Thank you for asking though, and your thoughts are very welcome. Trying to deal with folks with bipolar is hard enough, let alon with all the rest I heaped atop of it. I've never put my thoughts like this in public before, so maybe here is for hoping I'll find a way out here somewhere.

I can commiserate with most of that. It's hard to get out of bed when I think about the futility of life. It's like a game, yknow, where you get into the level and you're like "Aw, rats, I didn't do well enough early on, I need to restart - I won't win this way. I need to do better at the start." But... we don't get to restart :/ So we only got one playthrough, which in my opinion is total bullshit. But, well... cards we're dealt and all that huh.

To give joy to others, to find joy in them, to find wonder in this world, and to improve on yourself. Wonder is everywhere, there is always more to learn, always something more to discover. If this world is all there is, this is enough for me, that my legacy will go on in the hearts and minds of all I have touched, and if it is not, what says more about a person than what he or she has done for others and to try and become a better person? If there is a god, and if he/she/it is even remotely interested in the goings on of one species on one small ball in one insignificant group of stars in one medium sized galaxy in one small galactic cluster within the staggering greatness of the entire universe, what more could said God want from his creation?

Yours, always, Shadow, hon.
Jay

What happened??

Severe crash hon. Something happened and I ended up so far down before I knew what was even going on. I guess have been struggling for a while without being able to see it, and I finally found a breaking point. I'm doing better, hate the pills but they keep me from falling apart. I wish I had a better way.

Meep!! I'll chat with you on yahoo :(

Likewise, always open for a note if you need to talk.

Thanks Sofia. I am happy to report things have gotten a little better now. Just have to be careful through the winter.