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Ryouji sets out on his journey once again with renewed conviction. But will a new enemy threaten his quest?
Uhhh... the first scene was originally the last scene in episode 7, and I took out another scene after it that was completely superfluous. I think I'm getting better at this. So, enjoy!
EDIT: UPdated 2/11/09, so some comments may not make sense.
BEFORE CRITIQUING: please click "FIRST" and refer to the critiquer's note in the first chapter. Thank you.
Ryouji sets out on his journey once again with renewed conviction. But will a new enemy threaten his quest?
Uhhh... the first scene was originally the last scene in episode 7, and I took out another scene after it that was completely superfluous. I think I'm getting better at this. So, enjoy!
EDIT: UPdated 2/11/09, so some comments may not make sense.
BEFORE CRITIQUING: please click "FIRST" and refer to the critiquer's note in the first chapter. Thank you.
Category Story / Anime
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 120 x 120px
File Size 18.3 kB
Listed in Folders
I like it. I have a better idea for who Steinar is, and the ending leaves a good bit of suspense.
The fight scene works, but it struck me as being a little short. Maybe a little one-on-one between Ryouji and Vartija before she calls the dragon would have helped, but it works as it is.
The fight scene works, but it struck me as being a little short. Maybe a little one-on-one between Ryouji and Vartija before she calls the dragon would have helped, but it works as it is.
It was a little short, and I think you've hit on just the way to lengthen it.
On the other hand, given that the Epsilon knows Ryouji is a dangerous criminal (and four ranks her senior), she's not holding back. I suppose she could do the old cliched, "Oh I was just testing you to make you were who I think you are/as good as they say, now taste my real power."
On the other hand, given that the Epsilon knows Ryouji is a dangerous criminal (and four ranks her senior), she's not holding back. I suppose she could do the old cliched, "Oh I was just testing you to make you were who I think you are/as good as they say, now taste my real power."
Very nice! Sorry it took so long to respond. I agree, the beginning feels a little rough...I can't put my finger on it...its almost as though the style is different.
Also, this sentence seemed a little awkward: "One of the arrows had penetrated a scale near the dragon's heart, and it was for this arrow that he aimed." Maybe "it was for this spot the arrow was aimed" ? Looking forward to more!
Also, this sentence seemed a little awkward: "One of the arrows had penetrated a scale near the dragon's heart, and it was for this arrow that he aimed." Maybe "it was for this spot the arrow was aimed" ? Looking forward to more!
Ah i liked the re-write. I will say at the very beginning you should probably shorten the sentences: "The three warriors helped a family to build a new home, their old home destroyed by fire as so many others had been. The husband and wife were extremely grateful for the assistance, as most in the city were busy with their own cleanup, and help was stretched thin at the moment." to something like "The three warriors helped an extremely grateful husband and wife build a new home to replace what was destroyed in the fire." Just something to lessen the number of words
Also, see if you can put more of a break between the little flashback and the actual story...it may just be how FA presents it, but while the italics helped, it was hard to see where the flashback began and ended.
Also, see if you can put more of a break between the little flashback and the actual story...it may just be how FA presents it, but while the italics helped, it was hard to see where the flashback began and ended.
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