Very Fawnedly Yours

© 2013 by Walter Reimer

(All characters courtesy of  EOCostello,  MercMarten and  Major Matt Mason. Any resemblance between characters depicted herein and any real person, living or dead, is too bad for them.)

The setting is Spontoon Island, in the story section Let's Doe It (Let's Fall In Love).

Art by  turnbolt

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Part 3.


Reggie:

I couldn’t help but think that more lawyers could be assisted by waving lobsters at witnesses. Help their forensic skills no end, apparently.

However, I couldn't help but think that the whole demarche would have been done far better by Artie ‘Tons of Fun’ Wisent, who was a master at using non-anthrop snakes, rats and the like to liven up many a session in class or church. The case of the non-anthrop hamsters being released in the women’s dormitory at Penn still has a place in the collective consciousness.

Of course, a stampede of five hundred hamsters would tend to stick in the memory, no matter what.

After the unfortunate Mrs. Mouffetsky was taken away (and a loud reprimand by Magistrate Spaniel was directed at Andre for bringing a live lobster into court, and therefore upsetting proceedings), I was permitted to call a number of other witnesses.

Several busfurs testified, under oath, that I was a good customer with whom they’d had very little trouble, but that Andre was inclined to kick them, trip them, and generally abuse them. One even hinted that he might file his own suit against the squirrel.

Of course, you could sue Andre for his net worth and still have change for a five-shilling coin. At the present rate of exchange, of course.

I called Chef Joseph to the stand, and then spent fifteen minutes trying to interrupt him. The canine launched into a long harangue in French, directed at Andre who was replying in kind. The stenographer was doing her best to follow along and note it all down.

I’m not much for French (except for their vin ordinaire), but what I could understand of it was making my ears burn.

I was finally managing to get a word in edgewise when I saw Willow wave at me. She had spent much of the intervening time with her pretty nose deep in the court filing Andre’s lawyer had given us. “Er, Your Honor?”

Spaniel turned away from trying to bring the French barracking to order to fix me with a glare. “What?”

“Um, may I ask the Court’s indulgence? I need to have a word with my wife.”

A flip of a paw indicated that I could, so I hurried over to the table as two burly bailiffs and a brace of constables started moving in on the poodle and the squirrel, who were now standing up and starting to move toward each other.

“Yes, Willow?”

My beloved looked at Spaniel with a sly expression that would do justice to a fox who had just won a doctorate in Cunning at Oxford. “I think we may have a way out of this.”

“You do? I’m all ears, my dear.”

She told me, and I have to say it was a corker of an idea.

I straightened up and turned toward the Bench as Chef Joseph was being dragged away by the brace of constables, still turning the air faintly blue with a series of epithets. “Er, Your Honor?”

“Yes, Mr. Buckhorn?”

I glanced back at Willow, who nodded encouragingly. “I wish to change my plea, Your Honor. I have, in fact, inflicted mental distress on Mr. d’Arbres.”

Andre’s lawyer looked surprised, while Andre started to get a gloating expression.

“You do realize, Mr. Buckhorn, that your admission in court requires you to pay Mr. d’Arbres your net worth. You are not permitted to leave the Spontoons until you do.”

“Quite true, Your Honor. I therefore state that I’m completely worthless.”

The spectators in the gallery were looking mystified.

Willow looked confident, and I drew strength from her.

Spaniel looked impressed. "Honestly, Mr. Buckhorn, you really should have started your case with that assertion. It would have saved us a lot of time. I suspect a perjury charge would never stick on THAT point." He shuffled papers. "There only remains the matter of your net worth.”

“I’m good for nothing, Your Honor – “

“I know that.”

“No, Your Honor. I am, quite literally, worthless.” I smiled. “I have no savings, no holdings in stocks or bonds in my family’s company – “

“Wait a moment,” Muccablanco interrupted. “How have you been paying your bills here the past several years?”

“I get a monthly allowance from my parents.”

Spaniel glowered. “All right. We can get this over with. Getting late, anyway. How much money do you have in your pockets right now, Mr. Buckhorn?"

"Right now?"

"Yes. Right. Now."

"Um ... er .... eight pounds, ten shilling and tuppence." I looked again. "Hmmm...hmmm...no, wait, that's a Life Saver."

"Give that to Mr. D'Arbres - without the Life Saver. Case concluded, court adjourned!" The gavel came down rather quickly, and the gallery cheered.

Andre yelled, "I DEMAND THE LIFE SAVER!"

Spaniel replied, "Keep your personal life out of this, please."

The squirrel uttered a compound curse in French, and Spaniel’s ears perked up.

Apparently he knew the language.

“Hang about a moment,” he snarled. “The Court rules that Mr. Buckhorn, like it or not, has paid his net worth to the plaintiff. However, for his miserable conduct in this Court, I order that the plaintiff – that’s YOU – will pay all court costs and legal fees.” He slammed the gavel down again.

The gallery cheered again.

Spaniel stalked off the Bench, muttering about needing his ‘medicine,’ while Andre, chittering vociferously, was hauled out by two bailiffs.

I walked back to Willow, and we kissed. “Congratulations,” Willow said. “You win, Reggie.”

“I couldn’t have done it without you, my dear.”



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