trigger warning: unreality

who am I? what am I? what is this?
you think too deeply and you realize you don't know anything, you can't know anything.
all you can do is pretend to know, or have faith that you know
because if you think too deeply, you realize all of this knowing is based on a reality that can't even be proven.
and you can't dwell on that because then you waste the experiences that life could have given you had you given it the benefit of a doubt
and it's depressing honestly, it doesn't feel good to live like that, I know this

idk life is just?? reality is just?? Bigger then me, bigger then I can understand.
I can't stop myself from thinking about it a lot and it puts me in a really unhappy headspace. The resulting feelings of dissociation/specifically depersonalization used to throw me into anxiety attacks when I was younger. Understanding what's happening helps enough that it doesn't effect me so badly but I still really don't like it.

Envisioning my essence in a visual way helps me feel like I exist, it helps me feel like I have a firmer grasp on who/what I am
this is what Erema is
she is literally me, me essence
and that makes me so happy, it helps me feel SAFE, and I've always wanted to share that and always have such a hard time figuring out how to say it in a way that people might understand.
I don't know if this satisfies that but it's SOMETHING at least