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Beyond the League Prologue: Fall of the Champion
Cover (Find all chapters here!)
Mark Taylor, the Hoenn Champion, battles a new challenger, Randy Calvin. Having held onto his title for nearly a year, Mark is determined to keep it, but in this opponent dependant on speed and deception to win, Mark may meet his match...
Pokemon is copyright to Satoshi Tajiri, Ken Sugimori, and Gamefreak
Pokemon creatures are also copyright to the above
Mark Taylor is a character made by me.
Randy Calvin is a character inspired by
Korban
Mark Taylor, the Hoenn Champion, battles a new challenger, Randy Calvin. Having held onto his title for nearly a year, Mark is determined to keep it, but in this opponent dependant on speed and deception to win, Mark may meet his match...
Pokemon is copyright to Satoshi Tajiri, Ken Sugimori, and Gamefreak
Pokemon creatures are also copyright to the above
Mark Taylor is a character made by me.
Randy Calvin is a character inspired by
Korban
Category Story / Pokemon
Species Pokemon
Size 82 x 120px
File Size 257 kB
Listed in Folders
Definitely a good move to show Mark in his element. Anytime you start a world of series you always need to establish who they are and what the world's about. Less so if it's the second in a series, but essential if this is the start.
I think that Randy is written a bit too much like a cartoon character. I find his dialogue during the fight unlikely. The way they take digs at each other and then say wow, you're really good, feels unnatural and breaks the flow. This and the fact that he says this again after his loss to Randy ( where this makes more sense ) is both odd and a little repetitious.
Otherwise, a much better start.
I think that Randy is written a bit too much like a cartoon character. I find his dialogue during the fight unlikely. The way they take digs at each other and then say wow, you're really good, feels unnatural and breaks the flow. This and the fact that he says this again after his loss to Randy ( where this makes more sense ) is both odd and a little repetitious.
Otherwise, a much better start.
Randy was inspired by Korban who is of a rather cartoony personality :P. Just spark a conversation with him; you'll see what I mean X3.
Honestly, I think Randy being a little more light-hearted than Mark kind of adds to the story, as Mark is the more serious and calculating type where Randy is the more carefree and eager variety, only ever serious if the situation calls for it. Although I do see what you mean there with them exchanging those compliments twice.
Korban who is of a rather cartoony personality :P. Just spark a conversation with him; you'll see what I mean X3. Honestly, I think Randy being a little more light-hearted than Mark kind of adds to the story, as Mark is the more serious and calculating type where Randy is the more carefree and eager variety, only ever serious if the situation calls for it. Although I do see what you mean there with them exchanging those compliments twice.
Well, a cartoonish personality is one thing, but if taken too far it becomes harder for the reader to emphasize with the characters and know where they're coming from. I feel like I get Mark but Randy is harder for me to take seriously, and since he's losing to him this early it may not be the time for that cartoonish personality to come out. That might be better served later, when he comes back.
The balance between action and introspection is very good. This is the kind of writing I like, where we get inside the minds of the actors.
Maybe I agree with Lauren's 5yo comments that Randy seems like he comes almost right out of the anime with his reactions as the pokémon trade blows. It's got that sort of 'battle-exposition' that comics/shows do to help the audience along, but in writing the author can do that for the characters with observation and deduction. (This is a 5+ year old piece of writing and you probably know all this anyway. >_>)
I do like how this prologue is set up, overall! The pacing is good, everything is clear and understandable and the action is entertaining.
Maybe I agree with Lauren's 5yo comments that Randy seems like he comes almost right out of the anime with his reactions as the pokémon trade blows. It's got that sort of 'battle-exposition' that comics/shows do to help the audience along, but in writing the author can do that for the characters with observation and deduction. (This is a 5+ year old piece of writing and you probably know all this anyway. >_>)
I do like how this prologue is set up, overall! The pacing is good, everything is clear and understandable and the action is entertaining.
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