'...I'm Here To Stay.' - Diary Of A Madman.

One of the songs I relate to the most. Its been with me since I was young, i've drawn many images listening to it. My mind is increasingly getting harder to deal with. In the last 5-6 years my mind had rolled down a cliff in terms of mental illness, one day i'm going to crash and hit the floor...and break into tiny pieces I can't put back together.

I have to deal with constant hallucinations of all my senses. Always feeling like i'm in this bubble, like a dream-like state where nothing is real. I don't sense danger like other people and I walk into it not knowing i'm at risk. The depression is crippling, my anxiety is killing me - I can barely leave the house without high levels of stress and stress-related IBS issues. My sleep is plagued with night terrors if I do sleep. Sometimes i'll have a really vivid GOOD dream and my body will refuse to leave it, so I stay in a half-sleep until I can function. When I sleep I wake up every 45 mins, do a patrol of the flat or mum's house so I can go back to bed without being scared. I freak out at the most random things, hell, i'm scared of babies and balloons. Small kids, fine, but usually its only family and close friends i'm okay with if they have younger siblings or kids of their own.

I dream and have visions of war, been having them since I was young...war terrifies me. Yet I love army stuff. I just can't touch it or I get flashbacks to night terrors or some horrible thing i've seen on TV or the internet.

Ugh.

My psychosis, PTSD and Intermittent Explosive Disorder are a wonderful combination...not. They trigger each other at random times, with IED, I could hurt someone, which I don't want to do. I have been diagnosed with Bipolar and Unstable Personality Disorder/Borderline...so I have a ticking timebomb in my head. I could be fine for weeks, then one little thing can set me off into random, extreme moods. Or it'll change hourly or daily, which even doctors don't understand how I can have both. Also my doctor is going to be looking further into my M.P.D (Multiple Personality Disorder) - where I end up in different 'characters' or 'personalities' and act like someone else. (Therapy has helped me see it could all be one thing, but putting an image/art/faces/characters to the personalities can help me deal with them.)

Sorry to ramble, but its all so convoluted in my head it feels like a fog.

I'm on so many meds, and scheduled to get a change soon as things aren't working out with certain aspects.

If I keep things like this written down I can link to them easily, so don't mind me.

The other thing that keeps happening, is my appetite keeps changing. Sometimes i'm so hungry, others I look at food like its just a brick of mush and much as I know I need to eat to be healthy and keep in routine...I feel like its just...a thing thats there. Its not appealing. I used to have a bit of a problem as a teen with starving myself due to bullying, i'd work out too much and drink nothing but coffee and energy drinks until i'd pass out.

But eh...

The mind is a wonderful thing.