The inspiration for this piece came from a few places. The first and most important spark came from something I saw, whilst walking home from downtown recently. About halfway home, I was walking through a ‘mature’ neighbourhood, and saw a flaking-away bumper sticker on Volkswagen station wagon parked at the side of the street (and oddly enough, this is my second piece inspired by a flaking/fading bumper sticker—I also wrote a previous piece in 1994, namely Nazi Drivers are Always Fair from similar inspiration. This time, the bumper sticker in question had quite obviously once said: Powered by Diesel. However, the ‘Di’ had flaked off the sticker, so that it now said: Powered by Esel. Esel, of course, is the German word for ‘ass’, specifically ‘donkey’ (not to be confused with ‘arsch’, which refers to one’s derrière).

The first thing I thought of, was the Volkswagen Emissions Scandal of 2015 (as how could I not?) In the end, VW really did come out looking like a huge, corporate ass, hence ‘Powered by Esel’ actually seemed extremely apropos—enough so to make me laugh. As I was laughing, I also thought: “Behold the mighty ass!” That thought also brought back some childhood memories, which ultimately turned it into a follow up for my previous humour piece A Penis Runs. The aforementioned previous piece discussed the way that young kids will sometimes switch around the lyrics of childhood songs to make them funnier (and often ruder). Well, that phenomenon wasn’t limited to the school or the playground, as often it would also extend to church and Sunday school as well. After all, what’s funnier than rude blasphemy? :P

Although, to be perfectly fair, sometimes it’s not quite intentional, as the lyrics might simply be misheard (which has been termed a ‘mondegreen’). In this particular case, it was a case of misheard lyrics. I refer most specifically to a hymn with the title: Praise the LORD in the Holy Place, which was based upon Psalm 150:1-2 (KJV):

1 Praise ye the LORD. Praise God in His sanctuary: praise Him in the firmament of His power.
2 Praise Him for His mighty acts: praise Him according to His excellent greatness.

The lyrics to the hymn in question are as follows:

Praise the LORD in the holy place,
praise Him in the firmament.
Praise the LORD for His mighty acts,
praise Him for His excellence.

However, coming from an amateur church choir with a multitude of voices, many of which were more than a little pitchy, my seven-year-old ears turned them into a mondegreen, hearing the lyrics as:

Praise the LORD in a holy way,
praise Him in the therm, amen!
Praise the LORD for His mighty ass,
praise Him for its excellence!

Of course, even at that age, I already knew that in a Biblical context, ‘ass’ always referred to a donkey, unlike when I took lessons for my Religion in Life badge in Cub Scouts back in 1982. During the lesson, where we covered the Ten Commandments, I was the only kid present, who didn’t laugh over the tenth one’s proscriptions against coveting thy neighbour’s wife, ox or ass. Again, I immediately thought of the one that J.C. rode in triumph on Palm Sunday (although that’s apparently sometimes depicted as a velociraptor these days, but I digress).

Other references include the pop culture phenomenon, where every time a book or film comes out, that’s insanely popular with a particular generational cohort of young women, thousands of newborn babies immediately start being named after the main characters of the phenomenon in question. Perhaps the most excellent example (and which is most apropos in this piece); was the 1970 film “Love Story”, which is considered the great granddaddy of all ‘Chick Flicks’. After Ryan O’Neil and Ali McGraw made millions of girls cry, the impact was immediate. From 1971-1978, Jennifer (from Ali McGraw’s character, who dies in the film), became the single most popular name for little girls in North America. Indeed, when I was in the early grades of school, there were no less than seventeen or eighteen Jennifers in a school population of about 250. So, in about 15-20 years, Jennifer will be having her adult diapers changed by Britney, Ashleigh, JonBenét, and Dakota. Eventually, they, too, will be sent off to the ‘Death Panels’ by Edward, Jacob, Isabella and Katniss.

Several song references come from “See-See Rider” by The Animals, “867-5309 (Jenny)” by Tommy Tu-Tone, and “She’s Got the Jack” by AC/DC. ‘Jack’, of course, is short for ‘jackass’, which is the intact male donkey, as most folks know, just as the aforementioned ‘jenny’ is the female, and which, of course, brings us right back to Jennifer (sometimes also spelled ‘Gennifer’, like the one, who accused former US President Bill Clinton of sexual harassment).

One Jennifer in particular that I knew when I was in those aforementioned early grades, was a rather hyperactive little girl, who loved being loud and obnoxious. I could remember that a bunch of the local kids would often play in her yard, and she’d eventually get so loud with her screaming and shouting and laughing, that she’d wake up her father (who was a shift worker at General Motors). You’d hear his second floor bedroom window bang open, and he’d poke his head out, all red-faced and bleary-eyed, and bellow down at her: “Jenny, you and your friends keep it down, or so help me God, I’ll come down there and smack your ass red!” For some odd reason, in his anger, her half-asleep Daddy would slur ‘ass’ just enough that it sounded like ‘ass-ess’.

So, my thought at the time was: Is ass-ess the proper word for a girl’s ass? Is it like lioness or tigress? Of course, ‘ass-ess’ also spells assess. Make of that what you will. As for ‘Fükengrüven”, that likewise comes from a bumper sticker, which, itself was based upon a 1990 Volkswagen advertising campaign, where they used the tag line: Fahrvergnügen, which translates to ‘Driving Pleasure’. Of course, the sexual connotations in that are inescapable, hence a number of hippies (especially deadheads), made their own version of the slogan, and put it on bumper stickers, often with the Grateful Dead ‘Steal Your Face’ skull, which the lightning bolt on the dome of Stealie’s cranium was replaced by the VW symbol.

‘Si no leo, me aburro!’ comes from a childhood reading program that was used in numerous Latin American countries, and which plays on a Spanish double meaning, where it could either mean: ‘If I don’t read, I get bored’ (aburro), or: ‘If I don’t read, I’m a donkey’ (a burro). Likewise ‘Christopher Cross’ combines three meanings in one. The first refers to the legend of the Sicilian donkey (and several other donkey breeds as well), which have cross-shaped markings across their shoulder and upper back. Legend has it that the donkey that bore Christ during Palm Sunday was thus blessed with bearing the cross on their back, just as they had borne the Saviour. Likewise, this is similar to the legends about St. Christopher, who carried the Christ Child across a river, and hence, ‘Christopher’ comes from the Greek Χριστόφορος, or ‘Christ-Bearer’. Hence, the donkey is said to have a ‘Christ-Bearer’ or ‘Christopher Cross’ on its back. Likewise, there is also an Eighties soft rock singer named Christopher Cross, whose hit songs included: Arthur’s Theme, Sailing and Ride Like the Wind.