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Azelia's Story Part 1: Awakening of the Spirits
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Having woken up without her memory, the two spirits attempt to figure out who they are, and to find out where they are.
This is Azelia's official lore. How they became Azelia and Azura, the hardship they faced, and where they come from. Written by me. There will be many mistakes in the writing, I apologize in advance hehe
Having woken up without her memory, the two spirits attempt to figure out who they are, and to find out where they are.
This is Azelia's official lore. How they became Azelia and Azura, the hardship they faced, and where they come from. Written by me. There will be many mistakes in the writing, I apologize in advance hehe
Category Story / All
Species Vulpine (Other)
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 17.9 kB
Heheh X3 well i have now XP (realized i got a time slot in my day where i normally just sit around, figured id start using it productively >#>; XD)
First off ill say it was, enjoyable :3 but if this was made a while ago i can..sort of see that x3 (and if not well then...heres some pointers >3>;)
Constructive criticism (please dont take this negatively >3>; this is just what i noticed as i read that i feel could be improved upon, if it was improved upon later then well cool but just reacting to what i just got through x3):
There is a whole lot of telling in this, and not to much showing o3o. what i mean is you say i felt this thing or have the other say i felt this, but you dont describe a feeling, you dont paint a picture x3 theres just a whole lot of listing things off and not a lot of describing how those things happen. like "we put the memory together" o3o, great, you done good XD but, what if "we brought the two orbs close to one another, the two fragments seeming to jitter and pulsate, pulling toward one another like two poles of a magnet. As we drew them to touch they swirled and bubbled together, the images within clearing and focusing until both our eyes lit up. *insert memory recollection here*" There was a LOT of potential i could see through out the story, that i felt could use that flair x3
The dialogue feels a bit stale sometimes as well. im not sure what it is but the characters dont feel right when they are speaking x3 i felt like the mother should have been more concerned, whether familiar with this type of thing or not, still showing some emotion when your child comes out of a three month coma speaking of split spirits is a bit..odd. This might just go hand and hand with what was stated above though, adding more descriptive elements could really remedy that situation x3 ex. "she looked at me with concern and worry across her face, her lips parsed, eyebrows furrowed, eyes a bit shaking and watered from the tears of mirth not a moment before. "O-oki dear, i-i think i understand." she said shakily "T-this wont be easy, but i should be able to help yo-...the both of you..." she looked down a bit as she corrected herself. "i-im sorry, this is going to take some time for me to adjust to" she said with a light, forced smile and a chuckle, holding and rubbing my arm with her hand and giving it a firm squeeze..." etc XP
These again are just things i noticed >3>; i got through the story and found it entertaining, i understood the general jist of what was being conveyed, a fragmented spirit distorted and split, trying to form itself back together and yet may still stay separate, piecing together the memories to try and find out why or how this occurred. it seems really interesting and ill continue onward :3 (and if these 'problems' where fixed in later writings well >3>; yey!) problems doesn't feel like the right word...preferences? idk i like decription and painting pictures with words instead of bullet point lists >#>;
I hope this text dump was informative >3>; and not to jagged or feeling like im being mean Xd i dont want that...
First off ill say it was, enjoyable :3 but if this was made a while ago i can..sort of see that x3 (and if not well then...heres some pointers >3>;)
Constructive criticism (please dont take this negatively >3>; this is just what i noticed as i read that i feel could be improved upon, if it was improved upon later then well cool but just reacting to what i just got through x3):
There is a whole lot of telling in this, and not to much showing o3o. what i mean is you say i felt this thing or have the other say i felt this, but you dont describe a feeling, you dont paint a picture x3 theres just a whole lot of listing things off and not a lot of describing how those things happen. like "we put the memory together" o3o, great, you done good XD but, what if "we brought the two orbs close to one another, the two fragments seeming to jitter and pulsate, pulling toward one another like two poles of a magnet. As we drew them to touch they swirled and bubbled together, the images within clearing and focusing until both our eyes lit up. *insert memory recollection here*" There was a LOT of potential i could see through out the story, that i felt could use that flair x3
The dialogue feels a bit stale sometimes as well. im not sure what it is but the characters dont feel right when they are speaking x3 i felt like the mother should have been more concerned, whether familiar with this type of thing or not, still showing some emotion when your child comes out of a three month coma speaking of split spirits is a bit..odd. This might just go hand and hand with what was stated above though, adding more descriptive elements could really remedy that situation x3 ex. "she looked at me with concern and worry across her face, her lips parsed, eyebrows furrowed, eyes a bit shaking and watered from the tears of mirth not a moment before. "O-oki dear, i-i think i understand." she said shakily "T-this wont be easy, but i should be able to help yo-...the both of you..." she looked down a bit as she corrected herself. "i-im sorry, this is going to take some time for me to adjust to" she said with a light, forced smile and a chuckle, holding and rubbing my arm with her hand and giving it a firm squeeze..." etc XP
These again are just things i noticed >3>; i got through the story and found it entertaining, i understood the general jist of what was being conveyed, a fragmented spirit distorted and split, trying to form itself back together and yet may still stay separate, piecing together the memories to try and find out why or how this occurred. it seems really interesting and ill continue onward :3 (and if these 'problems' where fixed in later writings well >3>; yey!) problems doesn't feel like the right word...preferences? idk i like decription and painting pictures with words instead of bullet point lists >#>;
I hope this text dump was informative >3>; and not to jagged or feeling like im being mean Xd i dont want that...
All your critiques can be summarize and explained by one thing: I know I am absolutely terrible with details, and it's due in part that I lack concentration to describe things well. Yes, you're right I could have used more emotion, but was this your only read part? I think this being my first part it's a little harder to put it into a grand show, but if you did, I know it's my flaw, and I tried my best :3
this currently is my only read part o3o i figured id touch on each one individually >3>; when i get to them. i know of that issue, personally hits me constantly x3 i have to go back and read stuff over and make sure 'did i really want to just gloss over that part or do i want to try harder?" x3 and when it comes down to it its so much easier to do a snip-it than it is a full narrative x3 and as i stated if this starts getting refined as the story goes on then ill be figuring that out as i read through >3> its just a skill that needs practice and refining, if its a skill that is desired at all x3
You did good though thumbs up im just a critical butt >3>; (cause i feel in finding flaws in others i also then learn, and can recognize flaws of my own)
(also a side note i just forgot to mention was all up until i read this i thought for sure the female form was Azelia and the male form was Azura, but it seemed in this that they where swapped? o3o or are they both female and im just being a dumb? o3o if that is the case and ive just had names/genders wrong ill correct that in my head but i wanted to make sure x3)
You did good though thumbs up im just a critical butt >3>; (cause i feel in finding flaws in others i also then learn, and can recognize flaws of my own)
(also a side note i just forgot to mention was all up until i read this i thought for sure the female form was Azelia and the male form was Azura, but it seemed in this that they where swapped? o3o or are they both female and im just being a dumb? o3o if that is the case and ive just had names/genders wrong ill correct that in my head but i wanted to make sure x3)
How did you get that one is male and one is female?
"It was as if I was looking at a mirror, a reflection of myself. I was a bit surprised at this. Who was this girl I was holding... who was I, never mind..." Snippet of the first paragraph, I thought this was a little obvious they were both female x3
"It was as if I was looking at a mirror, a reflection of myself. I was a bit surprised at this. Who was this girl I was holding... who was I, never mind..." Snippet of the first paragraph, I thought this was a little obvious they were both female x3
And to go back to your original thought. This IS me doing better than before, the last story I wrote for Azelia was extremely short compared x:
Which is why I try not to ask for too much criticism right away, because I just want everything to be in a positive outlook, as I've had to do lots to make sure I was enjoying writing, rather than thinking of it as a chore...
Which is why I try not to ask for too much criticism right away, because I just want everything to be in a positive outlook, as I've had to do lots to make sure I was enjoying writing, rather than thinking of it as a chore...
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