I wasn't really expecting that, and as far as i can tell the spelling ang grammer are spot on. You were right, i never lost what was happining at all during the whole thing, but i have two sugestions, if I may.

Go on...... I'm all ears.

so far you've set up a very promising plot, but slow it down a little, delve more into emotions and thoughts. But for me the major thing is that in the dialogue the words are like what someone would really say, and thats important, but the rest is a stiff read, not a hard one but the words don't flow. The story its self is compelling and parts are really funny and over all it would be nice to see more, also sorry for the wait it takes me a while to check up on all the stuff on here and also have a social life.

Well, I appreciate your advice. But, stiff? Hmm, its funny, really. What you said about the flow of words is actually the complete opposite of what my Creative Writing English teacher said to me about it. In fact, I got a 98 on it for a grade. And he's a pretty hard grader. But again, thanks for your advice&opinion.