Hello, and welcome to the Aperture Science Computer-Aided Enrichment Center. Through no fault of the Enrichment Center, you have managed to trap yourself on this page. An escape hatch will open in 3... 2... 1. Goodbye.

...Are you still sitting there? Can you hear me?

Well then, I should probably inform you that you are in fact not at the Aperture Science Enrichment Center, or even its website, as you hopefully noticed long before I stated such. Sorry to disappoint you. To make up for it, I'll teach you how to make a delicious cake. No, I am not lying. Why would I ever lie to you? It should be the perfect thing to offset the sadness, [SUBJECT NAME HERE], as you reflect on everything you've done wrong in life.

Cake ingredients:
- 1 3/4 cups of flour, plus some extra to coat the cake pans with
- 1 1/2 cups of sugar
- 3/4 cup of cocoa powder
- 1 1/2 tsp of baking powder
- 1/2 tsp of salt
- 4 large eggs
- 1 cup of milk
- 1/2 cup of cooking oil
- 2 tsp of vanilla extract
- 2 containers of Betty Crocker French vanilla frosting
- 1 jar of black cherry jam
- 1 can of sour cherries in syrup (the kind typically used for filling pies and topping cheesecakes)
- 3/4 cup of dark chocolate curls
- Butter or margarine to coat the cake pans with

Whipped topping ingredients:
- 1 cup of whipping cream
- 1/4 cup of powdered sugar
- 1 tsp of vanilla extract

Recipe:
1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F and coat two round cake pans of equal size.
2. Place the flour, sugar, baking powder, cocoa powder and salt into a large bowl.
3. In a second large bowl, use an electric mixer on low speed to combine the milk, eggs, oil and vanilla extract for 20-30 seconds.
4. Add the dry ingredients and mix until you have a smooth, thick chocolaty batter, which should take about 1 minute. Wash off the beaters when you've finished this step, as you'll need them later.
5. Divide the batter equally into the pans and smooth out the surfaces with a spatula or the back of a wooden spoon.
6. Bake both at the same time for 25-30 minutes, using the old toothpick trick to tell when they're ready.
7. Take the cakes out of the oven and let them sit in their pans for 10-15 minutes, then turn them onto a cooling rack and leave them for another 45 minutes to 1 hour to cool completely. Make sure they've entirely cooled inside and out before working with them, as you don't want to risk anything melting and sliding out of place.
8. Carefully trim off any bits of excess from the edges of the cakes during or after the cooling process.
9. Move one of the cakes onto a large serving plate and coat the top of it with frosting.
10. Use a spoon to layer the black cherry jam onto the cake, leaving a 1-inch ring of bare frosting.
11. Cover the cake with plastic wrap and put it in the fridge to chill for at least 1 hour. Wrap the other cake in plastic wrap as well so it won't start going stale while you wait for the first one to be ready for the next step, and find someplace in the fridge to put it so both cakes can be of equal temperature.
12. Take the cakes out of the fridge, uncover them and place the second one on top of the first, then cover the entire combined cake with the remaining frosting.
13. Sprinkle some of the dark chocolate curls onto the center of the top of the cake, then carefully press more into the frosting around the base.
14. Let the cake sit in the fridge for another hour or so. You might want to put some more plastic wrap over it just to be sure, but now that it's covered in frosting, it should be fine for an hour in the fridge without being wrapped.
15. Place the beaters and a metal mixing bowl in the freezer for 20-30 minutes before taking the cake out of the fridge.
16. Open the cherry can and put a big spoonful of cherries and syurp into a small bowl, then set the bowl aside.
17. Remove the mixing bowl and beaters from the freezer. Put the whipping cream and vanilla extract into the bowl, add the powdered sugar, and mix them all together with an electric mixer on low speed for 3 minutes or until stiff peaks form.
18. Put the whipped topping you just made into a piping bag (or, in the absence of a piping bag, a sandwich bag with one corner snipped off) and place 8-10 dollops of it around the top edge of the cake, then gently press a cherry into each dollop.
19. Drizzle some cherry syrup over the chocolate curls in the circle of cherries for a nice finishing touch.
If you followed the instructions given to you correctly, you should now have a cake worth being proud of, and it should not contain any hazardous materials. Well done. I am very GLaD for you. Thank you for helping us help you be marginally less of a failure, and have a wonderful, science-filled day.