If you've noticed an additional tag to my profile, I've recently realized that I may be asexual. I'm still exploring what it means to be ace, but honestly it does explain a lot of what I've experienced with relationships (or lack thereof).

As a person in my early 20s dealing with ADHD and autism, I've never really been able to grapple the concept of a long-term relationship, let alone one involving a person I'd spend the rest of my life with. My family teases me for not having a girlfriend yet, with my younger sister and cousins already being in a relationship. I'm also in this weird situation where I'm the only member of my family who can pass on its unique last name to future generations. It feels like I need to raise a family otherwise it'll be the end of my family's bloodline.

I'm also rather introverted irl, which makes establishing relationships in general difficult for me. I was that kid growing up in a private school who didn't have a reliable friend to do school projects with and would rather do projects by myself. Outside of school I was rather isolated due to my family living in another town and having to travel into the city for school. I did have a group I hung out with in high school, but I haven't really felt the desire to get back in touch after we graduated. In uni I have friends that I enjoy being around, but my social life in general has been limited due to covid and the requirement for us to be separated as we are forced to go into the workforce every few months.

Either way, I'm constantly told that maybe I just haven't found the right person yet, that I just have to give it time. But I couldn't help but wonder if there was something wrong with me, like I was missing that piece that everyone else seemed to have - including those who found love outside of the traditional norms. How am I supposed to find a person that matches me when there are billions of people around the world? Things like social gatherings is exhausting enough, and it feels like I need to mask myself or I might be perceived as weird or something might go wrong. So when it comes to things like dating, the commitment is just too much for me to even be able to process and I get even more anxious because of it.

In reality I just don't feel the desire to go into a relationship that deep. I've never experienced that feeling of love portrayed in books, songs, or movies towards other people besides my immediate family. The same goes for my classmates in uni when they talk about a girl they met. Media involving the... relationship exclusive activities always weirds me out to the point that I'd avoid them altogether. I would like to get into a relationship someday, but the thought of participating in those relationship exclusive activities myself sounds... wrong. I'd be content with just having someone I can trust and be happy around. But as I mentioned earlier, my introverted nature kinda prevents me from being able to do that.

I haven't really reflected on this until recently. Talking about this with an online friend has brought forward the idea that I'm asexual, and some research definitely supports this theory. It does make me feel better knowing that there are others who struggle with these same battles, that I'm not alone. I'm honestly not sure how to properly process it and where to go from here, as I'm still discovering myself and going through some major character development. Who knows, maybe someday I will eventually find someone I can be happy with. For now though, it is good to at least have some sort of explanation, and I think I'm alright with accepting the fact that I'm ace.


If you've read through this entire rant, thanks for listening to my ted talk. I commissioned this hecking adorable artwork from Lupie1234 on twitter and Lupie_1234 on twitch. Please go and consider giving her a follow, she is an incredibly talented artist and deserves all the love!