In the mythical world of Everdale, a lithe, archer lizardman named Sladesh decides to team up with a bulky, flatulent black minotaur named Morltar and the two partners go on adventures together, using both of their talents to fight evil, get in or out of trouble, or to just stink up the joint.


Part 7: Morltar and Sladesh explore the abandoned wizards’ dungeon, and activate some of its traps.

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The old wizard's tower, long since abandoned to time, jutted through the forest canopy like a big black needle chess piece. Sladesh wanted to gut it for riches, and convinced Morltar to help. Whether this will turn out to be another harebrained scheme is yet to be seen. After having Morltar ram the doors open with a bull charge, Sladesh looks around the first level, cobwebs hanging from the ceiling, tables of old chemicals and potions everywhere, and a small platform in the middle. The stairs to the next level seem to be missing. "Wow, look at this dump," the lizardman remarks, his bow drawn in case of surprise monsters. "I bet it will be easing pickings!"
"Yeah, just as long as we don't run into any wizards who want to turn us into stone."
"Oh, stop being a big baby," Sladesh says, whipping his tail back and forth. "Look at this place, not a monster in sight, not even slime. More importantly, help me look for some secret button or something, I bet the stairs are hidden and we have to figure out how to find the mechanism that opens like, a secret panel or something, or dispels an illusion. Adventuring 101!" The lizardman starts to peer into old jars, waving away old dust, and looking at parchment that crumbles in his hands.
Morltar blinked, unable to decipher any of the complicated words Sladesh just pronounced. "What?"
Sladesh sighs. "Look for anything unusual and then MESS WITH IT!"
"Oh. I can do that," he said, ransacking the room and tossing old, dusty books behind his back and slamming empty beakers on the floor. At first, Morltar didn't find anything of value, but just as he was about to break one of the beakers, he examined it closely and noticed it was full of a suspicious red liquid. "Hey, Sladesh, what do you think this is?" he asked.
The lizardman doesn't look, as he busies himself with looking at old books in case there's a hidden button inside. "I dunno, something the old wizard left behind, maybe he was making fruit punch," he says off-handedly, joking around.
"Awesome!" said Morltar, who promptly opened up the bottle and guzzled down the entire concoction. He smacked his lips a little and belched after drinking the fluids. To his surprise, it didn't taste like fruit punch at all. "Sladesh, I'm pretty damn sure this isn't juice..."
"Wait, did you just DRINK that?" Sladesh says, whirling around. His tail knocks over more stuff. "Morltar! I was KIDDING! That stuff could be like...poison, or acid!"
"If it was acid or poison, I'd be dead by now," he said, before shattering the glass. "Besides, I don't feel any different. I mean, I got this touch of indiges...um, stomach problems, but that's normal."
Sladesh sighs, then walks up and shakes a finger at his bigger friend. "Well, you had me worried for a sec. Next time, ask me before you eat or drink anything in this tower!" For once he sounds concerned about Morltar's safety, evidence of their growing closeness after their misadventures. "Now, let's keep searching. I know the secret is close..."
Morltar's stomach rumbles softly. He looked all around the room again and noticed that five of the six lighting fixtures embedded in the walls were gold, but only one of them was silver. Naturally, he grabbed the silver fixture and pulled down on it. A loud click was heard, and the next thing the duo knew, a secret door built into the walls swung open with a loud creak. "Found it!"
Sladesh swivels his head, then walks over to the large bull. "Wow, nice job there, buddy," he says approvingly, whapping Morltar on the back - though he has to reach up to do it. "Let's head on up, shall we?" He hears another rumble, glancing at Morltar's gut.
"Sure," says Morltar, before his gut churns very loudly. The minotaur can't really feel any pain in his gut, but something told that it was just gas, so he shouldn't have to worry. Morltar was the first one who headed up the stairs, wagging his tail in Sladesh's face just moments before he let out a fart that hissed through the reptile's ear holes.
"Gah!" Sladesh held his nasal passages tight. "Warn me next time!" he complains, coughing and sputtering as he races ahead of the minotaur. "Maybe I'll fart in front of YOU next time!" he grumbles, before they find themselves in another mostly bare, circular room. Before them, however, was a solid gold toilet in the middle of it all, glittering under the light fixtures that remain operational. "What the hell?" The lizardman says after seeing this. "Hey, I wonder how much that thing's worth..."
"It's a toilet, Sladesh. Why would anyone care--" Morltar grunted and held his stomach before he could finish. Whatever was inside the potion acted as a powerful laxative, and the minotaur really felt like he needed to go. He groaned again, but since Morltar realized no one was in the tower besides Sladesh, he just squatted and lifted his tail.
"Hey hey hey!" Sladesh says. "Not on the floor, there's no air circulation! I'll die of suffocation. Look." He points to the toilet. "Just use that. I could probably still sell it after it's been used. Besides, you get to test it out."
Morltar grumbled and rolled his eyes. "Like you lizards have fresh-scented feces." Morltar rushed into the bathroom, turned around, and planted his giant, fat ass on the golden porcelain. Not a moment later, he sighed and his bowels began to void noisily.
Morltar may not even feel it, but the toilet shifts its size slightly so it has a tight hold on his buttocks. To cover it up, Morltar will experience a feeling of intense comfort - simply put; it will feel like the most euphoric dump he's ever taken. Sladesh, miffed at the comment, just watches Morltar and taps his foot.
Morltar sighed again, much more satisfyingly, and let out several more farts before he heard four thick logs of dung splash into the water below. "Feels so good...God, I never knew taking a shit was this relaxing..." he said, with a grin on his face as two more noisy plops were heard.
"I guess we're lucky that stuff just makes you poop," Sladesh grunts, waving a hand in front of his nose again. "Wow, you look dopey," he says, with a grin. "Maybe we should keep that for ourselves."
Morltar grunted twice before he sighed again and released another vile supply of flatulence and feces with much commotion. "I don't think I ever want--" Morltar grunted and passed gas. "--to leave this porcelain!"
"Well, I'd hate to break up your party there, but we can't spend all day in this tower. What if some rival treasure hunters come?" Sladesh walks closer to Morltar, now about used to the stench. He can see his friend's tail wagging very happily.
Morltar sighs heavily and lets out one final, very long fart before a deep splash is heard. "All right, fine, I'm just about done anyway."
Sladesh nods. "Good." He points a finger in the air. "Now let's go, my loyal sidekick!"
"I don't know what you're talking about; you're the sidekick," retorted Morltar. The muscular minotaur began to rise off the toilet, but as he tried to get up, he grunted. It felt like the porcelain was wrapped around his ass. He grunted two more times and tried to get off the toilet, but his ass seemed to be glued to it. "Um, Sladesh? I'm kind of stuck here."
Sladesh gets closer to the hulking bull. "Aw, man!" He exclaims. "It must be a trap! Here, lemme pull you out," he says, grabbing the great minotaur's huge hands and tugging with as much strength as he can muster.
Morltar grunted as well and tried to get off the toilet, but all he managed to do was pass more gas and groan.
The toilet shakes as Morltar strains to get off, but it seems to have a vice grip on his butt. "Hnnnrgh!" Sladesh says, pulling with all his might. Unfortunately, his tail lifts too high and the strain causes him to also break wind. "Gah!" He stumbles backwards onto his bum. "Uh, sorry," he says, all sprawled out. "What the hell are we going to do?"
"Open a window?" said Morltar, with his nose plugged.
"Hmmph!" Sladesh stands proud with his tail lifted high. "What can I say, everything about me is powerful. Wait a sec, I got an idea!" He rummages in his napsack, and pulls out a jar of lard. "I'll just put this on your fanny and you'll slip right out!" Without further word, he begins to do so, on the flesh of Morltar's buttocks where they're pinched.
Morltar let out one giant shout and managed to pull himself off the toilet with a loud pop. He yelped and stumbled forwards, landing on top of Sladesh.
"Argf!" Sladesh croaks as the minotaur lands on him. "M-Morltar, you're crushing...me!" he yelps in a strained voice.
"Oh, sorry," said Morltar, as he rolled over and gave Sladesh some air.
Sladesh coughs, and after getting his breath, looks at Morltar. "Well, the good news is, we opened up the next staircase." He glances at the toilet. "Eugh, I think we can skip that one over. Come on!" He hurries up to the next level. This time, they find themselves surrounded by hundreds of candles in rows and columns. "Wow," Sladesh says.
"Hmm...something tells me this room is trapped," said Morltar. "I can't place my finger on it, but maybe those candles are a clue."
Sladesh hmms, stroking his snout, until he gets an idea. He slowly smiles. "I think we have to light these quickly, and I know just the way." He presents Morltar a single match.
"Is this gonna involve my butt?"
"Of course it will, now bend over, and when I give you the signal, you let off and never stop until I tell you," Sladesh says firmly. You can see the gold in his eyes.
Morltar grinned widely and bent over with his ass stuck out and his tail raised high in the air. "I'm gonna enjoy this!"
Sladesh lights the match and holds it out. "FIRE!" he cries, like a general commanding an army of cannons. He also grabs Morltar's tail so he can sweep the room.
Morltar grunted with his eyes shut and released a terrible-smelling fart that was so loud the walls in the castle began to shake. The smell was atrocious, but Morltar knew Sladesh was accustomed to the stench by now. He could feel the reptile guiding his fart across the room, and could hear all the flames whooshing everywhere, lighting all of the candles.
Sladesh eventually directs his makeshift bio-flamethrower to the whole room, and all the candles are lit. The last staircase descends from the ceiling via a hidden panel, and Sladesh lets go of the minotaur's tail. "Good job, Morltar. I think this is your greatest accomplishment yet," he says.
Morltar chortled. "Not even close. Did I ever tell you the story about how I almost suffocated an ogre because we were both trapped in a small room and I couldn't stop pooping on the floor? ...Wait, what does acc-om-plish-ment mean again?"
"You'll have to tell me that one sometime," Sladesh says as they climb the stairs. "And that word means something really good. Like a good job." Finally, the two are in a mostly empty room with a lot of statues of common monsters, some wimpy, others ferocious. "There's got to be treasure in here somewhere," Sladesh says, looking around.
"Maybe it's hidden in one of these ugly statues?" suggested Morltar.
"Maybe," The lizard answers, but it's then that he spies a chest. "Jackpot!" he says, crouching down as his lizard tail wags furiously. He sets about picking the lock. "This must be it, it's got to have gold and jewels in it. It'll be worth all these dumb puzzles, that's for sure!" If Morltar didn't know better, he might see that one of the statues seems to have shifted a pose.
Morltar blinked. "Uh, I'm pretty sure that statue wasn't staring at you a minute ago."
Sladesh only scratches his rear. "Quiet, I almost got this," he says. Then a shadow looms over him. He turns slightly, and sees a manticore staring down at him. "....oh," he says. Suddenly he grabs the treasure chest, lifting it with all his might, and running past the minotaur. "G-GET TO THE FIRST FLOOR!" he screeches.
Of course, Morltar was already rushing down the stairs, the sentient manticore statue chasing after them. As he watched the small lizard pant and sprint his way down to the second floor, still carrying the treasure, a thought suddenly occurred to Morltar. He had a giant axe strapped to his back. "Wait a minute, why don't I just smash it with this?" he asked, holding up the giant weapon.
Sladesh screeches to a halt when they reach the candle floor. He turns and regards Morltar for a moment. "Oh, do that," he says. Morltar's big and beefy; surely he could take care of a stone golem.
The minotaur kept a firm grip on his axe and waited for the stone monster to arrive down on the floor, feeling the vibrations with each thunderous footstep it took. He waited for the manticore to get close enough before he roared and struck the statue right on the forehead. Morltar stared into the statue's lifeless eyes, expecting the statue to crumble. Instead, its eyes moved and stared right back at him, before growling gutturally. Morltar slowly removed his axe and backed away. "...You can run now."
Sladesh resumes running, the chest heavy; he starts to sweat and pant, but eventually he reaches the floor with the toilet, and soon he's on his way to the ground floor. "Hurry, Morltar!" he calls back.
Morltar, despite being much bigger than Sladesh, could actually run quite fast. By the time Sladesh had reached the ground floor, Morltar shouted and hopped down the stairs, the manticore still hot on his tail.
Sladesh looked around before going to the door. He tries as hard as he can to open it, but it's shut tight. "Damn it, it's locked us in. Probably magically. What'll we do?" Before the other can answer, a window suddenly appears as a panel rises from the wall. Without thinking, Sladesh throws the chest through, and clears the pane of broken glass for safe exit. He hops out. "Thank the gods for wizard architecture, huh Morltar?" he asks. "Now hurry!" Could this be another, final test?
Morltar shouted as he hopped up into the air and threw his body out the window...halfway. The minotaur opened his eyes and looked left and right, only to see that he was looking down at the ground, and that his bulbous buttocks were stuck inside the frame. "A LITTLE HELP HERE?!"
Sladesh panics. "Oh man, Uh, I dunno if I can get the door open!" he says. Last time they used Morltar's head. The only way is by pulling his friend by the arms. "Give me your hands, or two fingers, or something!"
Morltar could hear the golem rushing down the stairs. It would only be a matter of time before the statue dragged him back inside and mauled him to death. Morltar grunted as hard as he could and extended his arms forward.
Sladesh pulled with all his strength, attempting to get the minotaur unstuck. They had only a little time, and Sladesh pulled like never before. His friend's well-being was at stake, this time. "Hnnnnrgh!"
Morltar shouted and furiously wagged his tail, trying his best to shimmy his way out of the frame. He could feel himself slowly sliding his way to freedom.
"Almost got you," Sladesh grunts, looking Morltar in the eye. "Just a little more!..."
And then, with one forceful grunt, Morltar yelps when his wide thighs, ass and legs are pulled out of the frame. Morltar landed on top of Sladesh again, just as the golem slammed its head into the wall where Morltar just was. He was free.
Sladesh wriggles out from under the minotaur, shaking but relieved. "Are you okay, Morltar?" he asks with urgent concern.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm all right," he said, in-between pants.
Sladesh nods, patting his head. "I was worried," he admits. "But we got through it." He kicks open the treasure chest - while normally there might be a twist in that it's empty, the chest is indeed filled with gold and jewels. "I think this oughta make up for that crappy place."
Morltar's stomach growled loudly after Sladesh said the word "crappy." "I get the feeling that potion has a long-term effect, Sladesh..."
Sladesh whaps his head. "I'll wait for you then." But he does laugh. "We get in all kinds of trouble, don't we? We'll have to find another dungeon to crawl through now!"